Bumping Uglies

Chapter Three

I showed Sophie into the lounge area of the barn, passing Thatch on the way in.

There was more than the usual glint in the old man's eye as he wished me a pleasant evening and smiled at my new guest.

"Oh, I'm sorry..." Sophie issued a smile that did not touch her eyes, "I don't mean to interrupt anything." Her voice lacked sincerity and Thatch merely mumbled a response and let out a shrill whistle that drew Fungus to his side.

"Please, have a seat." I gestured to my battered sofa, hoping that she would avoid the tear, through which a spring protruded

"Would you like something to drink?" I asked.

"No, no thank you." She was gazing around my living quarters with a mixture of curiosity and disbelief.

"Not quite what you expected?" I said, catching her eye.

"After our conversation the other night, I didn't really know what to expect. But this is pretty, ah, unique."

"If you want the grand tour, it won't take long. I'm pretty much barn-sitting for a friend," I tried to obfuscate; feeling a little self-conscious about my quirky digs.

She perched at the far end of the long sofa, the cheeks of her behind gripping the edge, her back well away from the rest. She looked distinctly uncomfortable, with her legs together and hands tightly-clasped, hugging her knees.

I sat a respectful distance away, splaying myself to avoid the waiting point of the spring, and turned my body towards her.

"So, what brings you out here?" I asked, grabbing the bull by the horns.

"Well, you ticked my box..." she replied.

I considered saying that, in fact, all of the boxes on my sheet had been ticked, and none of them by me. Thankfully my brain stopped me short and pulled the plug on that response.

"...the agency gave me your details and... all of this was detailed in the pamphlet, you know." She sounded nervous, it worked for her.

I mouthed a silent prayer of thanks to Priya, Goddess of Gratuitous Box-Ticking.

"I must confess; I didn't read the pamphlet. I'm not really a 'read the instructions' type of guy. My friend convinced me to go."

"The Indian lady that you left with?" Sophie averted her gaze and instead inspected her fingernails.

"Yes, she thought it would be good for me," I confirmed.

"The speed dating or leaving?" she asked.

"Both, actually," I replied. She smiled. I liked it.

"Beautiful woman..." Sophie said, her eyes darting back up to look at me.

Romancing etiquette demanded that I suggest that Priya paled in comparison to Sophie, but to do so would make me an obvious liar, or blind, or both.

"Mm-hmm," I replied, sidestepping the issue like a thirty-stone matador.

There followed a period of awkward silence. Her teeth worked on her lower lip, I determined that she was deciding whether to take the plunge and say something. We ex-Private Detectives excel at determining suchlike.

Sadly for me, her closed body language and nervous tone were not those of a woman who boldly arrives, unannounced, at a gentleman's abode with the intention of seducing him, ripping his clothes off and fucking him to the point of insensibility in his converted hay-loft.

This was particularly the case in contrast to the confident woman I had met at the speed dating event.

"So..." I began to help her along, as the situation became a little clearer to me. "You said that maybe you had found what you were looking for the other night?"