ashes //Newtmas//

Chapter 11

(Newts p.o.v)

I heard the door click, signaling Thomas had left the room. If I was awake I'm sure I would have fell back into my coma.

' Thomas loves me?' I ask myself mentally. Now I've been more in my head than ever. Talking in my head, thinking, mostly cause I can't physically talk at the moment. I've been trying and it seems like I could it's just maybe I'm doing something wrong. I'm not trying hard enough.

It's frustrating.

Never ending paralysis is frustrating.

Being half crank is frustrating.

Being in love is frustrating, because I'm making frustrating.

Is it me? Is it myself causing all my problems? Is it I who I'm mad at. Makes sense. It's not anyone but me, I can't blame no one but myself. I know if I want to get out of this I'm gonna have to do it myself or else where would I be going?

With all my strength I tried to open my eyes. Even though my body wasn't doing any physical movements I was very exhausted, exhausted of trying anymore, exhausted of being asleep,

Exhausted of being exhausted.

Suddenly I could see the outline of my eyelashes move, the light shining through them. Veins visible through my thin eye lids. The light was too bright for my eyes that had been shut for a long time. I cringed as I blinked the sensitivity away. Once my eyes adjusted I stared up at a white ceiling. I couldn't believe I had done it. How was it so hard just a few weeks ago and then now it was incredibly easy?

Had it had been easy this whole time and I was just trying too hard or had it always been hard but I had been stronger this time around.

What ever the case was it's no longer important. I'm awake with all my senses available. I can see, I can hear, I can smell, I can taste, last is touch. Yes I can feel. I can feel the soft blankets under me, the coldness of the air hitting my exposed skin yet I still don't know if I can move. I then grazed my fingers over the blankets. Feeling the soft fabric against the tips of my fingers. I then scrunched my toes down.

I can move my toes.

Can I move my body? Cracking that case might be hard but cases aren't solved unless someone tries to, right? I then attempted to turn on my side. I felt weak. Almost like I had never done it before. My strength seemed to lack and pain was starting to form in my ribs. Had I fallen? I don't remember but maybe I had and I'm not healed all the way. I can move, but for now it's more like I'm someone who is as brittle as burned wood.

I wish my Tommy was in here. Happy that I was awake. Maybe I could taste his lips again and actually enjoy it for more than a second that I can't remember. In the past weeks he's been by my side. Every day for about 35 minutes he'd sit here and talk to me even though I wasn't awake (which technically I was) every day his voice seemed to get sadder. I don't like it when he's sad cause he always blames himself.

"It's all my fault... I'm so sorry newt, baby. I wish I could do something, anything. Please wake up, please, please, please."

He's been saying sorry way too much. It's not his fault, he knows that, but the guilt dominates everything. Even when he pities someone else it always seems to end up with him pitying himself. Like I said before when he can't do anything about a situation he feels guilty and that guilt turns into self pity and then fault. Thomas will be Thomas and that's just him.

Seemed like the other night Thomas wasn't himself though.

He was happy and showed a playful side of himself. He laughed,
he laughed! Harder than he's ever. To think about it Thomas never laughed. At least not in a long time
(years actually) maybe little moments in the glade but nothing more than what happened the other day. I had been distracted by the disapproval of them laughing Gally being set on fire but now that I think about it, it was pretty funny.

A sound alerted, making my head swift to my left where the door was. The door handle jiggled and turned. The metal clanking and the mechanical gadgets on the inside of the handle that made it unlock Clacked around inside.

My eyes widened.

I don't know whether I should close my eyes and act like I'm still asleep or if I should keep my eyes open. Soft messy brunette hair peered through the crack of the door along with a face, a face I'd recognize anywhere.

Thomas stepped in. His regular bluish grey shirt on he'd wear everyday when he ran at the glade. Head down and his hair covering it all. He slowly walked toward me, my eyes glued on him the whole time. My lips parted as he sat down on the wooden stool next to the bed. He rested his arms on his knees, head ducked down.

He hadn't know I was awake.

We both sat like that for a few moments until a sniff was heard. The faint sounds of water droplets hitting the ground, almost silently. A sob abrupt from the brunette, his hand immediately sent up to his head, clenching his own soft silk hair. I then set a hand on his head, rubbing it in circles, careful not to scare him. He shot his head up. His eyes spilt with tears and his eyes filled to the brim with sadness which made my heart shatter. He stared at me,m with wide eyes that seemed to spill with more tears with more time of them looking at me. I gave him a weak smile as I ran my fingers through his messy hair. He leaned into the touch and let his hands fall from where they were placed on his head. I then reached over with my other hand and wrapped both of my hands around his neck to pull him in. He leaned in, following with my movement and connected our lips. It was as sweet as I remembered. His lips soft and warm against mine. They were a little chapped but I would never complain. Our lips molded with each other like they were meant to be attached. I could taste his tears and even some of my own. The saltiness mixed in with the kiss didn't over power the sweet. I was addicted to this. I could do this all the time if I didn't need the urge to breathe. I pulled away panting as did Thomas. The brunette cupped my face with both of his hands. He stared in my eyes panting slightly. The corners of his mouth seemed to twitch like they wanted to form a smile. He would frown then smile, frown then smile, frown, smile. Like Thomas couldn't believe what was in front of him and was happy and sad at the same time.

" Newt" he whispered. " yeah?" I whispered back, leaning into his hands that were cupped on my face.

He rested his forehead against mine.
" Newt, I... it's....how I, I love you" he blurted out and his cheeks seemed to stain a crimson color. I smiled at him. I traced my finger tips over his hands then I slowly undid them and intertwined our fingers.

" I love you too Tommy" I said squeezing his hand. He shook his head as new tears started to rile up again.

" you can't do that to me, you can't do that, Newt. Don't say that your gonna stay and then leave me" he said breathing sharply so he could prevent himself from sobbing. He squeezed my hand, slightly tighter than I had.

" don't leave me. Please, please, don't leave me, not again please, please, Newt" he said over and over again, breaking my heart more than it ever had been. I immediately wrapped my arms around him, squeezing him tight physically showing him my care and love.

" I love you, so much Newt" he whispered against my neck, hugging my torso tighter.

" I love you, Tommy, so, so much"

Awww sweet yet kind of sad chapter, sorry and I have to apologize that this chapter was bad, I've just been under the weather but I'll recover and then I'll be healthy again! And how is your day going? I hope it's great!

Mkay bye!