don't wanna cry 》jeongsa (hiatus)

016

Dahyun and I sat around, quietly listening to Tzuyu. My insides were shaking as seconds pass by, and in another minute, it turned into trembling fear.

"I was the witness to the rape case." Tzuyu started, which instantly twisted my insides. "I told people I saw her being raped, but no one believed me as I couldn't drop the name of the rapist." Her hand shakes as she holds the can of beer with both of  her hands. "I just want Sana eonni to have her own justice, but she herself told people it was a lie, that it didn't happen and that I was just making up stories."

"But why?" Dahyun asked immediately before I even utter the same question.

"I don't know. Maybe she's hiding something-- or maybe someone was keeping her mouth shut." Tzuyu was furious, it was evident from her tone and the way she grits her teeth at the mere thought of the rape case.

"You didn't see who did it?" I asked, scared of even saying the word rape for it was just too horrifying to hear. Tzuyu shakes her head.

"Shit even got worse when two weeks later, we found out she was pregnant. And the rumor of her being raped swirled around again. And people started treating her more differently." In the midst of her heated story, Tzuyu couldn't help but tightly grip on her already dented beer can. "It hurts seeing her at that state where her life had just been ruined by someone else and everybody else thinks it was her fault for being in that stupid situation." then again, Tzuyu was crying, bawling her eyes out. "Nobody even noticed her crying all night. Nobody even asked her if she was okay. Nobody even asked her what kind of bullshit happened to her. Not even me."

Dahyun was rubbing Tzuyu's back as she hardly stops herself from crying too. And I, I sat there across Tzuyu, unable to process everything I have been hearing.

"Her husband even accused her of having a fucking affair and tried cancelling their wedding-- how would anyone fucking take that accusation? How? How did Sana eonni even take all of that despite of what happened to her?" At a moment, Tzuyu couldn't breathe. And it took me a while before I notice that I myself was unable to breathe properly too.

"I--" I stood up. "I think I need some fresh air." I said as I excuse myself and walked outside, on my veranda. I tried to calm myself but my tears were already flooding down my cheeks. For fuck's sake, I don't know if I can take anymore of it. I couldnt stop thinking about Sana, her frail figure next room silently sleeping, on a short lived peace of her broken heart.

"Sana eonni even begged them not to cancel their wedding. She stood her stand that she was innocent, that she never did such thing, and that if the wedding doesn't happen, she would kill herself alongside her child. And no one wanted that to happen." I could still hear Tzuyu from inside the room, her voice a little faint because of the distance but is audible enough for me to hear.

"Tzuyu-ssi, I think I have heard enough." I managed to say as I wipe my tears off my face. "I don't think I can take anymore of what I heard tonight." I explained.

I turned around and saw Tzuyu and Dahyun looking at me with bloodshot eyes from crying. "Are you sure eonni?" Dahyun asks and I just nodded in response.

"I'm sorry Tzuyu-ssi, for cutting you off like this. I'll let you know if I have news about Sana." I walked inside and grabbed my beer, drank it all off before sitting.

Tzuyu and Dahyun tidied themselves and awkwardly stared at their hands on their laps. "I do hope she's okay, that she's still holding onto her life right now." Tzuyu started again, sniffing as she stops herself from crying again. "I was told you were the one who helped her when she ran away on her wedding." Tzuyu met my gaze and I saw her force a side of her lip to curve upwards. "How was her?" Tzuyu asks.

I smiled bitterly, "never better." I said, and it made Tzuyu weep once more.

"Hm, okay. That's all i want to hear. I think I'll head home now." Tzuyu decided as she fix her face.

I smiled and stood up decididing I should better send them off.

"Wait." We heard a voice behind me and as I witness Tzuyu's baffled face in front of me, I realized who was the one who spoke.

"Sana eonni?" Tzuyu cried, rushing towards the girl behind me who just got out of my bedroom after days of crying and sleeping.

I turned around and saw her, Tzuyu inside her arms as she looks straight at my eyes. "Don't leave yet." She says as she rubs Tzuyu's back.

Sana, and her slightly cold exterior that moment sent shivers down my spine. And somehow, I became more afraid of what's about to happen.

That very night, we sat on the living room, quietly listening to what Sana has to say. And there, like someone I never knew, she told us stories, while her eyes never falter at the gruesome truths of her life.

And it was the first time for me, to witness her eyes dead, like she was done of all the shit that has happened. That she was done crying, and she couldn't feel anything anymore this time.

And then there was me, quietly wishing she could stop talking and let her heart rest, wishing she could be inside my arms at this moment, wishing she would rather just cry than reminisce everything that killed her.//