Purple Thoughts, A Balm in Gilead

So what is this Balm in Gilead stuff, some of you may be asking. It is from the Bible and is found in Genesis 37:25 and Jeremiah 47:11. Gilead is a place in Ancient Palestine that was known for its healing balm that was used to heal a variety of ailments of the skin and body. It both soothed as well as protected skin injuries and was known to bring full healing to those, that applied it. The healing that I needed was for injuries far greater than those of the skin. My life had been very difficult for many years. I was caring for 2 aging parents my mom and my stepdad, who was as good a man as any that has ever lived, but was doing so without any help and did so for 13 years. Although I was glad to be physically able to do so and had the resources to give them the best of care, to do so long term meant I also worked a very demanding job that required travel. The longevity of their care and their growing needs became even greater and I had to make some very tough choices. They lived in assisted living 5 minutes from me to allow for the travel but I stopped dating for all intents and purposes because of limited time and found my life became, work, parents care, church and then work again. The only solace that I had was Prince and his music. Sometimes, when I was so discouraged or weary or both, and I felt like giving up I would put on one of his albums and invariably one of his songs and lyric sets would speak to my situation like little else did and I got through it...one day and one night at a time. He had been a mainstay of my life for most of it. Through a difficult marriage, divorce, completing the raising of my daughter, he was always there. When I could I would attend some of his shows and/or films which gave me a sense of fun despite my loneliness, but more often, he was only as far away as my sound system and he would come into my room at night and keep me company as I fell asleep. It was Prince who comforted me when weary to the bone and lonelier than any human being should ever have to be, I cried myself to sleep. But, he kept showing me that we do what we must to survive and to help those that need it and we can maintain dignity while we do. His life reminded me that being gifted meant little in this world as relates to happiness, as a matter of fact, being talented and capable definitely brought with it no guarantees of happiness at all. I had to play the hand I was dealt just like he did...and somehow with the help of his spirit, his example and his music, I got through it. Both of my parents lived long lives and were in a position to to enjoy those years together and that made it worth it. My step-father died at 88 and my mother lived to be one month shy of 91 and followed him to the heavenly realm two years later. My company was sold the year of my mother's death and I knew it was coming and got out in time...but I was starting all over and I was doing it in a city where I had no family and few friends (I had been transferred there for work 15 years before) and with the schedule I had maintained for much of that time knew few people outside of work and and church. My daughter was now grown and married and lived in our home state with a family of her own. Once my parents were gone I was glad to have the focus of a new application in my industry as it helped to keep me sane...but I was still terribly lonely and tired much of the time.

Living without joy takes a toll and in early spring of 2016 I discovered that I was ill. A routine mammogram found that I had breast cancer although in its very early stages. So I immediately began treatment consisting of surgery, chemo, and then radiation. The surgery was successful, but the chemo was very, very difficult. I was just beginning the second round of it when the news came over my radio that the one consistent person that I relied on who asked for nothing and just gave of himself through his music had died. In that moment, I did too for all intents and purposes...at least emotionally. With the help of a close friend and sorority sister, my cousin who lives two hours from me and my daughter who flew in as often as possible, I made it through my course of treatment...although there was a point where it was so hard I almost gave up. The three human angels given to me by God that I have referenced, along with prayer and the caring of people from my former workplace in their calls and cards and kindness got me through it. I lost much of my hair, the skin on my effected breast was discolored and tender from radiation burn and I had scars from the surgery and having had a catheter put in a chest vein for the chemo , but I was alive. My life though, became totally grey. I had met someone along the way after my parents deaths, but when I became ill...he simply did not have interest or guts enough to hang in there while I went through the cancer trauma. Interestingly as soon as I was well and he heard such, he wanted to be around again. I did not even return his calls which is a decision I feel very good about. Like Prince said...never look back!

So...I was cancer free with some side effects from the treatment which limited me somewhat in terms of stamina and my weakened immune system, but, I was alive...surviving but not thriving. I was grieving the loss of my very good health and I was grieving the loss of Prince whom I loved as though he was a best friend and lover even though he certainly had not been. I was really on the verge of losing it when I came across Wattpad simply by putting Prince's name in a search engine. I had done that hundreds of times over the years but had never come across the site before. There he was again...our mystical Prince helping me...but this time from behind the heavenly veil. I went to it out of curiosity and came across some stories that literally bought me to tears as I read them... but most were the happy kind. I realized I was among people who had also loved him. I was among people who understood my sense of loss and some of them were also still grieving him too . I was among those that themselves had been drawn to the site for reasons not so dissimilar from my own. I began to work on my own first story...the theme of which came to me in a dream. I have continued to work on that one...but have also written two more since.

When I put up my first story, I was immediately attacked by a person whose stories I had read and enjoyed and had limited dialogue with through comments regarding them as the stories were very good. That day, however, I was accused of copying her work because I had named one of my characters the same name that a minor character had in hers and because there were angels in my story which she said only she ever wrote about. When I tried to explain that I used a favored name from my childhood, a name that I wished had been my own and that because of my work, I spent most of my time in the company of Angels and Saints and Supernatural events...I teach Theology and have been a life long student of the subject...she demanded that I take my book down. That got my hackles up, especially since she said she had not read any of my book nor would she. She had made her assessment apparently from the story summary. Research on the subject quickly identified many stories about Angels are on Wattpad some of which were written inside our own community. How one can be so blatantly unenlightened as to make such insulting accusations to someone when one hadn't read one word of the work, I do not know. But bullies are everywhere these days and are not limited to those in early adolescence and are, I learned, even inside the little community we share in Wattpad. I have prayed for her often since. It must be a horrible thing to feel so weak that attacking those that have done you no harm seems a righteous path to take in any life situation...but life went on.

Of interest is that as I was going through this madness, I had another health scare...and the nature of the testing had me sick for weeks...but fortunately, this time I was negative and thus far remain cancer free. During all of this though I kept writing as one of the sweet ladies I chatted with on the site suggested I do. Like her, everyone else I have encountered here has been very kind and funny and sweet! At that time, sometimes I was writing a few sentences, and throwing up in a bucket and then writing a few more, but I kept going. And the therapy the writing has given to me has been worth it. I am becoming whole again.

Prince was such a good teacher...he pushed through adversity stayed focused on God and kept going until he just couldn't anymore...and I am so grateful that I lived in the same time as he and saw that example. I am grateful to him for many, many things among them are the incredible music that enriched and encouraged me; the shows and films that for years were my only oasis in a dry and barren life, but most of all reminding me that life is what we make of it and that even the longest and toughest roads eventually come to an end. I have been reminded to be careful how we communicate with others, as we have no idea what battles they are fighting and how the wrong words could tip them in a wrong direction. I have learned that being kind costs nothing while being hurtful can create great injury and even cost lives.

Prince took me to my Gilead and pushed me to stay and make the balm that would sooth my hurting heart and wounded soul. Sometimes he used some of you without you even knowing. But I know and want to say thank you for embodying his message of "love 4 one another" . I have felt this from many of you on several occasions. Through this, my love for him has grown beyond anything that I could have ever envisioned. He is no longer just the most amazing, sensual musician, composer, arranger, and lyricist that ever lived, at least not to me. In this most recent leg of my life journey, he truly became my friend and a mentor of sorts and for that and for each of you who has touched my life...even those that hurt a bit... I am so very, very grateful because I have been more than abundantly blessed through the journey and have grown because of it!

Love and trust God, and be well my friends...your presence on this planet often means more than you know. It certainly has to me.