it's another cold day. Walking in the darkness of the streets we used to stroll together, I feel nostalgic. A bittersweet taste on my tongue like a cup of dark coffee. over an old book, pages bend from over use. the orange light reflected on the glass table withdrawing and shadows grow longer. darkness takes over erasing all traces of light turning the sky dark shades of purple as the sun hide away leaving the last few words of the page unreadable.
A wasteful feeling.
Why does it feel suffocating? I ask myself playing ignorant as if I don't know why. It's the same reason everytime I come back I feel lost. Lost within the city I used to call home. If I had knows that I will exist without you by my side I would have treasured those moments more. I would have engraved every smile and laugh, every expression that took over your face while you were sharing your thoughts, the days events or even an old memory of your childhood into my mind. You told me so much that I felt I was with you forever. That we were never nonexistent in each others life and this thought drives a knife into my heart every time. The thought that it always been "WE" makes it more painful for me to even think of being "I". The more days pass with me alone, by myself the more empty I get. I feel my body is losing its soul. I feel life is draining out of me slipping away just like you did but I don't even bother to care. I feel like an empty shell that could be shattered with a simple touch. Yet, I feel so full, too saturated with misery and pain, a heavy weigh that pulls me down but I don't want to lift off nor to share. I can see people around looking at me with empathy. Freind and family even colleagues. I see them hesitate wanting to help but not knowing how. Unsure if their intervention would make things better or worse. Afraid if mentioning you in front me would cause me to crumble down to dust, to nothingness, like fragile sand castle withering away slowly on it's own but brought to destruction faster by a helping hand. so they opt to silence and walk away and I don't know if I am relieved or hurt l. I reach the place I was avoiding for too long by yearning rather than a conscious decision.I never wanted to go back to this place again but here I am standing at the same spot behind the huge Christmas tree even though I know I still extend my head to look past it but you aren't there. I expected it but shattered last peice of hope I had left and it knocks the air out of me As if I was surprised, as if he promised to be there and Isn't, as if I was still 19 and skidding to a stop to surprise him with a red face a huge grin, as if I was back in time all over again but no.You aren't setting on the same bench you used to. You aren't writing lyrics while wearing a concentrated face like you had then. There is only snow that reminds me of vacuity, of lost. White pure snow that fills me with grief rather than happiness. The awestruck expression I used to wear as a child whenever I saw them no longer there as if it never did.
It's cold....and it's dark.
I still can recall how the early morning sun reflected on your sharp features while I stood there staring like fool. The way my breath hitched taken over by the beautiful sight in front of me Trying to drink up the image, to revel in its beauty as I can all before your gaze landed on me catching me off guard. then you throw a smile that filled me with warmth. I can recall everything as if it was yesterday not 4 years ago.
I wrap my arms a round myself desperately holding into that warmth without vain. The world looks bleary and I am chocked by sobs I didn't expect. Tears escaping my eyes bringing me down to my knees as if I am knocked down by the realization. Not "as" "I am". I was living in my memories of you all this time never let myself believe your absence and now that I am seeing it with my own eyes I can't deny any more even though I want to so gravely. Even though I pry for it silently. I am scared from a world without you. Everything feel ominous. The place that held all my happiness now is a graveyard for it. The gently breath that used to ruffle your hair is now a freezing cold air that cuts my throat with every gasp. The bliss that overflowed me every time I saw you turned to sarrow That wrenches my heart filling my unceasing tears. My mourning cannot be stopped as I am a dying soul grieving its lost with dismal wails and salty rainfalls.
Here. Alone in the snow covered ground of the park we met in, surrounded by darkness that the only streetlamp is unable to draw away. Right in front of the bench you used to occupy that is as empty and cold as my heart. harsh winds blowing violently rattles my shaken body just like the reality that took you away. My lips trembling unable to mouth you name as if you were never here and I am scared that it's maybe the truth. My reality and imagination merged together I am capable to tell one from the other and I stand on trembling legs to escape from this place, from the reality and from the actuality of your absence and again I wish to wake up to a world brightened by the sun and your smile.
YOU ARE READING
The End Of The Day We Met (Jb Got7 Jaebeom Fanfic)
Fanfictionit's the memories of him that I treasure cause it is the only thing I ma left with as I long for his presence.
