This is for You. Yes, You. You who have been ignorant. Dismissive. Abusive. You who has been in denial. I have tried so many times in countless ways to explain to You, what is going on inside me. I have tried to run away, hide for as long as I could. ... changed masks so many times I Couldn't keep track any longer. I pulled fake personalities out, I contorted myself to an image I thought you'd like. I wore armor disguised as confidence to protect myself. continuing to try and explain with my words and actions what is going on. After many failed attempts, my BPD has shined through. and You and I can no longer deny it.
I cant tell you when it began. Maybe it was always there. I cant tell you my first memory of experiencing the symptoms. I think its always been a part of me. Present. lurking in the shadows, trying to gain control. Maybe You have to do with it coming to surface. Maybe You helped pull the trigger. You, I am speaking to my family, friends, those who rejected me, my abusers, bullies in school, the doctors who couldn't understand my darkness and treated me like a nuisance, shoving new medications down my throat each week, numbing me until I couldn't think straight. Or think at all. I go to bed not knowing who is going to get out of bed the next day. Who am I? I swear sometimes I know who I am, and the next day, I cant relate to the person I was yesterday. Sometimes I go to bed terrified of my over flowing emotions. Others I go to bed seemingly easily, not worried about my emotions and destructive thoughts. I trust it'll all be okay. Sometimes I know it inst okay and I don't know when it will be, if ever. One fear that is constant is the fear of my emotions over taking and affecting my relationships with my loved ones. The loved ones I am so afraid to lose, I act in ways I shouldn't to avoid conflict, or to provoke it to get a reaction, proof of their love, proof they are never going to leave me. In my head it seems so easy to leave me. Truly being alone is my biggest fear. Being left vulnerable in a heap with overwhelming emotions I cant understand. With thoughts that torment me. I apologize way too much. Sometimes for doing something, mostly for nothing. Its like I apologize simply for being alive. As if my presence is a disturbance to everyone, even to my dearest friends. As if everything I say is taken as an offense. I have been depressed, I have become addicted, I have become hopeless and lonely, on the verge of killing myself countless times.
Some days I can see the opposite side of the coin. My intense emotions being used as an engine to fuel creativity. My depth being used to show compassion and love to those who are lacking it. The ability to pour my soul into words, trying to bring a small light into such a dark world. I can be captivated simply by the beauty of the wind blowing the trees. I lose track of time listening to songs that give me goose bumps from head to tow. A street light in the middle of the night can bring tears to my eyes. I stare at the stars in awe for so long I forget how cold it is outside. The memory of a loved one whispering those three sacred words brings a warmth to my being. The sight of seeing my favorite person unexpectedly brings an array of tingling sensations. I feel things deeper than an average person, I live and love deeply. I see that as a good thing. my heart goes out to all who have been surviving with such a puzzling and misunderstood disorder. To those who experience intense suffering, To those that have a need to express, like I do. Those who cant contain their emotions in their head, those who have to release. Love pours out to those who are trying not to hurt themselves. Living with borderline is nothing less than difficult. I am learning to accept and love all aspects of myself, entirely. No longer am I trying to cut off the negative aspects I do not always like. I am beginning to get curious, and wanting to understand myself. I believe in transformation. As much as I long to be understood by someone else, my heart longs for self acceptance and self love. Borderline Personality isn't all of me. It isn't my entirety. I am no longer ashamed of the diagnosis. And one day, I will not fit the criteria.
