Fifty shades of J
It was a dark night. Heavy rain clouds smothered the sky in a thick blanket of grey that spread as far as the eye could see. This wasn't very far; it was raining like the second coming of Noah's flood, and Rasputin-jesus-kun wasn't happy. Taking shelter under the canopy of an old HMV, he pulled a lighter from the pocket of his long coat and lit a cigarette. He took a drag as he watched the cars race past, spray from their wheels hitting him in the face. But Rasputin-jesus-kun didn't care. He just kept his narrow eyes planted firmly on the 5th floor window of the apartment block across from him. Shadows danced across the closed curtains, betraying the scene inside to anyone willing to look. Raspu-jesus-kun growled roughly as he shook his luscious hair from his face. He just couldn't believe it. With a jolt he strode right out into the road, ignoring the cars screeching and sliding around him in an attempt to slow quickly on the flooded surface. One crashed into the old HMV and caught alight. It was a stark contrast to the steel of the night: a bright flame hissing and crackling, smoke rising and dispersing. Rasputin-jesus-kun carried on towards the building, his eyes fixed firmly on the 5th floor window.
" You won't be feeling so kawaii tonight, Obama-chan"
"Oh, Karrot-kun! We must celebrate! To our country!" Obama-chan and Karrot-kun clinked champagne glasses and drank heartily, laughing the night away in peaceful harmony.
"WOW, OBAMA-CHAN, YOUR OBAMA-CHAIR CAMPAIGN REALLY WORKED. I'M SORRY FOR DOUBTING YOU" Karrot-kun winked at Obama-chan, making him blush bright red.
"I couldn't have done it without you" drawled Obama-chan, scooching closer to his accomplice. His orange hair really is sexy, thought Obama-chan. He poured out another glass of alcohol.
"To u-"
"Stop!"
Both men froze, turning to see a dripping figure in the doorway. Stepping into the light they could both see who it was.
"RASPUTIN-JESUS-KUN!" Cried Karrot-kun, chucking his champagne glass as far into the kitchen as he could. Obama-chan wasn't so lucky, his glass hitting a lamp and shattering onto the pearly white carpet. Fizzing champagne seeped into the floor. The silence was unbearable.
"...how could you" fumed Rasputin-jesus-kun, his facade breaking into a loathing snarl. If looks could kill Obama-chan would be at level 9 tartarus by now. It was Karrot-kun who spoke up first.
"IT'S NOT LIKE WE WERE ACTUALLY DRINKING THE CHAMPAGNE, WE WERE MERELY SETTING UP FOR A POST-ELECTON PHOTO SHOOT...LOOK" He sped off into the kitchen and brought back a bottle of red wine. "WE WERE GOING TO DRINK THIS AFTERWARDS" Obama-chan just looked shocked, watching as Rasputin-jesus-kun ran a hand across his bristling moustache.
"I can't believe you would do this..."
"Raspu-"
"No, Obama-san, you can't fix it this time" with that Rasputin-jesus-kun turned on his heel and left. His heart was broken into 69 pieces; how could his friends drink champagne instead of red wine? Rasputin-jesus-kun had been betrayed many times before, but this was the last straw. He didn't want to kill any more goddamn turtles.
Chapter 2
It'd been 3 months since that fateful day. Rasputin-jesus-kun wandered aimlessly round the wine shop, not really taking in any of the new wines in stock. It reminded him of Obama-chan. Oh how Raspu-jesus-kun's heart ached for Obama-chan. Maybe he had been too quick to judge, and it had been an honest mistake. Could the two people he trusted most really drink another alcohol in place of red wine? Suddenly, Rasputin-jesus-kun's thoughts were cut short by a familiar voice.
"With my new Obama-chair policy, you get a free chair for every employee!" Rounding the corner faster than he should, Rasputin-jesus-kun ran head first into Obama-chan.
"Ra.. Rasputin-jesus-kun!"
"Obama-chan! I can explain!"
Obama-chan turned away, looking hurt.
"You walked out on us"
"I did it because I had too"
"Rasputin-jesus-kun... I've drunk nothing but red wine since that day" Rasputin-jesus-kun gasped, taken aback by this show of kindness. In less than 4 minutes they were naked in the back of Rasputin-jesus-kun's car. 45 minutes later back at Obama-chan's apartment they were still going at it, red wine spilt all over the bed. But it was all ruined by a knocking on the door.
"OBAMA-CHAN, I BROUGHT YOU SOME BEER TO DRINK AWAY THE CRUSHING FEELING OF EMPTINESS IN YOUR HEART"
Rasputin-jesus-kun and Obama-chan looked at each other, horrified.
"Y...y...you lied!!!" Rasputin-jesus-kun spat out. He threw Obama-chan off of him and stood up on the bed. Obama-chan was frozen with shock, watching as Karrot-kun opened the door onto the scene.
"MAGICAL GIRL PRETTY RASPUTIN-JESUS-KUN!"
In a flash of pink light Rasputin-jesus-kun was gone and in his place a shining magical Rasputin-jesus-kun with a short skirt and thighs thicker than extra thicc double creme hovered in mid-air. He looked regal with his beard and hair flowing behind him and Sakura petals floating around his abs.
"BY THE POWER OF FERMENTED YEAST I BANISH YOU FROM THIS KAWAII PLANET~!"
"NO!" Yelled Karrot-kun and Obama-chan in unison, as they were smothered in red wine. The torrent of alcoholic liquid was ferocious; once it settled nothing was left of either man but a lone casket of beer on the carpet. Rasputin-jesus-kun kicked it with distaste as he de-transformed.
"I guess you could say that was...kawaii-te the show"
YOU ARE READING
Magical Girl Pretty Rasputin-jesus-kun!
RandomA three chapter anime story that will hook you from the first sentence. This was born from the pure beauty of a Rasputin-jesus fusion my best friend drew, and has now blossomed into a full blown train-wreck (much like my life). If you are looking fo...
