In a life of so little time, why would you pretend? Why would you accept less than you deserve? Why would you stay in the terrible relationship? Why not travel? Why not have a thought? Why not enjoy your life? Why deal with the angrying? Why do you accept mediocrity? You deserve more.
I don't know why right now, I am going through what I am going through. I don't know why I am where I am. I was a good student. I transferred from Okinawa, Japan came to Savannah, Ga. Learn english. Barely may I add. Sorry for all the cringing writing. Fuck off if you are still reading maybe you give a shit to hear about someone's shitting life. Maybe you are also dealing with something similar and want to hear the outcome, maybe you want to hear a story for whatever reason.
I was super focused in school. I wanted to be good, because I didn't feel pretty ever. I got molested when I was five and he was my babysitter a 22 year old man. They say people have better memories of their childhood when they are traumatized at that age. If I ask my mom today she will say he wasn't my babysitter. He had too much access to your 5 year old child. You had to see the blood the irritation. You couldn't have been completely out of the loop.
Michael, my molester got away with it. He was just told to stay away from me. He use to take me to the bus stop for school.
I was a very independent child. I use to watch the house. I use to be all in "grown folk's busy" because the folk business wasn't grown folks business. I was given the worlds worst parents. My dad was an anger voilent man. My mom was a submissive- needy woman. She wasn't always like that, but I watched her get choked with the back of iron cord and then kiss the same man. I saw her get hit. I got hit. You won't leave. We can leave.
I got beat so bad once for accidentally spilling kool-aid it didn't make sense. I remembered welps. I remember wondering what I did to get parents that were the parent I had. Like what did fate have in mind, a story of a Pittyful girl in a fucking terrible existing.
My mom finally got away from my dad we escape in the car. I was so happy until I realized that no matter what my mom needed a man. We were in a shelter, it was like a hotel room inside set up everyone room had a shower and bathroom. I shared a room with my mom and my brother. My brother was literally my best friend. Someone that I didn't want cold like me. I want to sled him from my moms bullshit and I didn't know he had other thing at work later story. I'm that room we all slept my mom on day decide to bring the shelter director into our room and have sex in the same room as us. Like we were fucking deaf. I was introduced to sex really hated it. I was torn apart by it. Unable to carry babies. Unable to love or trust.
Sex is what brought me into my terrible existence. Sex made my mom act Fucking crazy. Sex ruin my partner's marriage because they want to do it to others. Sex drove my father away. The military ruin my dad mental, but I don't want to blame the military. Because I have seen that same anger in my brother. It looks almost like they can't recognize you or care about the pain they inflict to your body to you mental.
I have depression. I haven't been diagnosed with it, but when you know you know. I laid in a closet one day at the age of 26. Just to avoid human interaction and be alone with the comforting thoughts that I love to feel. I was being sarcastic. I hate the person that was created. I hate that she accepts mediocrity. I hate that she let people hurt her. I hate that she lied to survived, I hate that she feel for lies, and allowed herself to become the thing and people she hate the most.
I was good in school remember. I felt like because I wasn't pretty I had to work harder. I got really good at math, but math is forever changing , methods to answer, and formulas. Science, I was also good. Social studies and Science was my downfall. I got better though. I got bullied really hard. And mostly I didn't want to be in school. So I wasn't I was in my head.
I accepted mediocrities from myself. I never stood up for myself. Never talked back. Just survived. My mom kicked me out at 16. I had no where to go. All because I told her stepdad molested me and her new boyfriend was trying too.
I went to live with my boyfriend, his mom, and brother. We were basically starving, going to church, and fucking. I was in the kitchen one day and he left his iPad out he was talking to a lot of females. I talked about it. He hit me and went to walk down the stair and with everything inside me I wanted to jump down the steps on his back and kill us both. I didn't want this kind of love. As soon as my feet left the ground a girl came out his mom's room and caught me. She stopped me from what could have been a suicide- murder or a murder either way he wasn't going to make it because I saw this woman and I didn't want to be her.
I, thanked her we talked for a bit and she asked if I wanted to chill with her and her friend and I need a distraction. I got one we went to her house. She lived with her brother. AJ. He was everything that I dreamed for myself stable father of three. By now I was like 21 or something but dude wasn't a creep I promise. He made me feel wanted and happy, but I forced him into a relationship where I didn't expect anything but love from him.
Once I had sex with him knowing he didn't want me anymore. I just wanted to be wanted by him. I was tired of being alone, stressed I wanted a family. It wasn't him. He told me that our percentages were different on how we felt about the relationship. He wasn't ready to be in a relationship and I didn't love and respect myself.
I got in his car junkie. I've lived in his house when I was basically a maid that cooked and fucked. And watched and cared for his kids and kid sister. I once had sex with him in his baby's mamas family house in a room she was renting out to him and the floors where sticky in the bathroom. I dont know why and he had a mat on the floor with snack and snack wraps around. He didn't want me because I didn't demand more from him. I accept him as he was, I loved him at his lowest. I worked and came home handles the house and still I didn't get anything. He didn't pay the rent because his roommate left because his kid sister's boyfriend moved in and promised to help and he banked on him helping and he didn't do, we all had to move out and that's when he broke up with me. Seems like the perfect pussy way out of something.
The sister that saved my Life let's put her name in it because she comes up a lot. Jenny. That was my rider anytime something was going on Mel and Jenny. Mel and Jenny. She got me a new place to stay Zayton. Zayton had an ex wife and a child from it. Precious little mix baby boy. I watched him a lot we had fun all the time . He was like having a kid, but not. We would watch Ninja turtles and chill and I would teach him how to read and taught him his name. Because he thought his nickname was his name, but things didn't get weird until the kid called me —-Mama.
He wasn't allowed to come over as much for a second. Christmas was coming up and I meet Zayton's roommate. I knew it was a girl a black girl. Only because the type of perm she had. Her name was Fate. She had the countriest accent from Alabama. We build a cool friendship. We got high we talked to each other about everything and she played in my hair. She always hyped me up as I tried so hard to tear myself down. For Christmas, I had no where to go Zayton got me a mouth guard for Christmas to help my snoring and I felt insulted at this point. For Christmas he was going to Jesup to see his son. That meant I had nowhere to go. Fate was going to Alabama. Why do I always feel so alone,abandoned, and unappreciated?
