He.

Cognitive Dissonance

I learned something new about myself today, pertaining to you.

I have cognitive dissonance. In laymen's terms: I'm a contradiction.

I know what I should be doing. But I don't.

I think this is naturally part of the human experience, but life is what you make it, isn't it? 

It's not a healthy psychological state to be in, and yet most of us are.

We know the side effects of drinking, so why do we do it?

Every one of my problems would be solved if I just expressed how I felt to you. But I can't muster up the courage so instead, I study your behavior carefully, and I do things for a reactions out of you. I make sense out of everything you do, say or react to. 

And I do that, because I don't trust myself. I don't trust how I think with my emotions versus thinking logically. 

I driven myself insane over you; I went to the hospital in a panic attack. 

I tried to distract myself, in hopes you were only a phase. 

But if I ever thought I had felt pain before you, I was wrong.

If I ever thought I had felt love before you, I was immensely wrong. 

I wish I could stop the hands of time, so I had time to think of what to say before I say them to you.

You're so intimidating; your eyes are like daggers. 

They pierce through my soul, and make me feel so naked. In the most vulnerable way ever, but I love it.

And yet, I still won't allow myself to be. 

If I didn't like you, it would've been obvious to me that you do. 

My biggest fear isn't rejection, but it's rejection from you.

A new decade is coming, and with that, I'm claiming redemption in all aspects of my life.

I have failed miserably at communicating and expressing myself. Letting things slip away that could've taken me into new dimensions. 

I have so many things I could have, and still should say to you:

"the ball is in your court. if you shoot, you won't miss"

"I wanna go to the movies, just you and me"

and the easiest, but hardest thing for me to say:

"i like you".

But's it's gotta come out. 

And that's what this journal is for. To document my progress. Today is November 3rd 2019. 

I will no longer be a slave to my emotions or other peoples opinions. 

The cognitive dissonance ends today.

Everyone is doing the best they can with what they know, and I really don't know much about this love thing, at all really, but I do know that I love you.

And  in knowing that, I have to forget everything I know about my pride, and strip it away piece by piece, even if it's shaped and molded the very fiber of my being of who I am today.

I am terrified of falling in love, to be abused, taken advantage of, and misled.

I am terrified of falling in love, seeing and creating a future with that person and not having them in the future.

I am absolutely terrified of becoming what my parents are.

everything about this is risky.

but I believe your worth every risk.