Bittersweet - |Pepigyeom|

7 • ... And A Painful Memory

Hello my lovelies!

I'm back with a biiig chapter - both regarding the word count and the stuff that is going to happen. Get ready for a little rollercoaster and some important revelations!

I'm so excited to show you this, and really really satisfied with how this chapter turned out! I hope you enjoy it just as much as I did <3

Have fun reading!

Love,
Aki

The first time Yugyeom met Jaebum was in his second year of highschool.
 
Jaebum had just transferred from Daegu in the middle of the school year because of his father’s job. As Yugyeom would get to know, changing schools was more norm than exception when it came to Jaebum. After all, a freelance artist had to go where people needed him to be, at least until being offered a position in an art gallery in Seoul. In one week, belongings were packed and 16-year-old Jaebum and his father were on a train to the capital.
 
It only took a week for Jaebum to get known by everyone. On his first day, he walked in late, waited until the teacher paused to look at him, waved his hand saying “Hey, my name’s Jaebum”, and promptly sat down in the first row. It was one of the many things that didn’t seem to fit: His nonchalant way of talking and his effortless ambition when it came to paying attention in class. His rather careless attitude and his well-kept books. The tie around his neck and his jeans and shirt that were covered in red paintdrops.
 
“What happened to your clothes?” the teacher asked, blinking as if she couldn’t believe what she was seeing.
 
“I don’t have my uniform yet,” Jaebum answered. “Thought the tie would be a compromise.”
 
The teacher stared at him. “Is that blood?”
 
Jaebum fiddled with a loose thread of the holes in his ripped jeans. “My father dropped a paint pot from the first floor."
 
Needless to say, after that incident, half the school already knew who he was.
 
He was a high-profile type of student, which was the opposite of Yugyeom, who was always trying to lay low – whether it be with group presentations, during class or at lunch. He mostly made food by himself or took something that his mother had prepared the day before with him to eat it in a quiet corner of the library or outside near the sports ground, where he would watch their athletic team practice for games.
 
Maybe or maybe not that was the time he noticed he really liked watching good-looking guys run around and take their shirt off on the way to the showers as soon as they were done with practice. It always made his cheeks burn bright red, but temptation is such a hard thing to suppress, isn’t it?
 
Yugyeom really didn’t have anything in common with Jaebum, or at least he thought so. Even though they were in the same class, they managed to never coincidentally end up in the same groups for projects or homework. Jaebum was fascinating in a strange way to Yugyeom – it was so easy for him to talk to people, make friends, it was almost as if it required zero effort. Everyone just seemed to be completely infatuated with him as soon as he entered the room. It didn’t come as much of a surprise, really. Jaebum had it all – the looks, the attitude, the grades, the smile.
 
Looking back, they probably would have never crossed ways, hadn’t it been for their new sports teacher, who had the amazing idea of starting a dance club. It was a paper stuck onto the black board at the back of the classroom, Yugyeom who saw Jaebum looking at it with obvious interest during their short break between lessons, and a conversation over dinner.
 
“Don’t you want to join a club this year?”
 
Yugyeom was too preoccupied with eating the stew his mom had put down in front of him barely a few seconds ago to answer. The punishment was immediate; he burned his tongue and gulped down a glass of water, coughing.
 
“You haven’t been in a club last year, either,” his mother noted, taking the empty glass and filling it once more. “How about theatre?”
 
“Mom!” Yugyeom sighed. “You know me. I don’t like attention.”
 
“You know him,” his father commented. “He doesn’t like attention.”
 
His mom rolled her eyes.
 
Yugyeom leaned forward a bit, hesitant. “There’s one club I’d maybe enjoy.”
 
“Which one?” His mother smiled warmly.
 
“Dancing.”
 
Now it was his father’s turn to cough. “I thought you don’t like attention?”
 
“I don’t,” Yugyeom answered and shrugged. “But it’s dancing.”
 
Yugyeom’s father was a lawyer, and his mother a doctor. They had always wanted Yugyeom to get a stable job and earn good money; little did they know the dance club would lead Yugyeom into the opposite direction.
 
Most of the guys that were at the first meeting were unknown to Yugyeom. Except for Jaebum; the latter was already in the classroom when Yugyeom opened the door, reading over some of his notes. They were the first two to arrive, and Yugyeom was unsure of where to sit down.
 
Jaebum made it easy for him. He looked up, smiled and said: “Hey. Yugyeom, right? Sit down here.” He pointed to the space next to him and Yugyeom walked over and sat down. “I didn’t know you were interested in dancing.”
 
“Me neither.”
 
Yugyeom had always loved watching dance performances online. There was something about the way these dancers moved that moved him too. The precision, the beauty, the vulnerability of it. It was so different of how he felt sometimes; like he was too clumsy and tall to move with grace.
 
“I’m Jaebum,” Jaebum introduced himself and held out his hand.
 
Yugyeom took it. “I know.”
 
Becoming best friends with Jaebum was effortless like nothing else in his life. They saw each other at dance practice three times a week and went out for fast food and bubble tea after. Jaebum stayed over at Yugyeom’s place, which was a big house with too many rooms and white walls. Yugyeom stayed over at Jaebum’s place, which was a small apartment with the kitchen in the living room and paint splattered on every wall and artwork.
 
They called each other late at night and early in the morning, talking about school and homework and dancing. Sometimes Yugyeom practiced in the early morning hours, earphones in and trying to perfect his moves. Jaebum was always motivating him to put his best into everything. He praised him when he did a move especially good and laughed with him when he failed miserably.
 
It was nice having someone he could rely on so much.
 
“What do you want to do when the year is over?” Jaebum asked one time, laying on Yugyeom’s bed, head dangling over the edge, watching Yugyeom do his homework on the floor upside-down.
 
“Hm?” Yugyeom answered, looking up. “After this year?”
 
“After graduation.”
 
Yugyeom shrugged and hesitantly continued writing. “You know what I want to do.”
 
“Then do it.”
 
“You know it’s not that easy,” Yugyeom continued.
 
Jaebum furrowed his eyebrows, sitting up, sliding onto the floor and crossing his legs. “Did you fight about it again?”
 
Yugyeom nodded. “It’s always the same thing.”
 
“You could just do it, anyways,” Jaebum said slowly. “They don’t have to know.”
 
Yugyeom looked up at him, a hint of hope in his eyes behind the surprise.
 
It was the same way Jaebum is looking at him now. He pulls away, hands still on Yugyeom’s shoulders, and looks at him like he cannot believe Yugyeom’s truly standing in front of him. Yugyeom feels like everyone else is staring too, until the chatter of the other guests slowly starts to turn into noise again. He wants this muscles to relax, but he feels so tense he can barely move a finger.
 
“Yugyeom,” Jaebum says and smiles brightly, like he’s happy to see Yugyeom. Yugyeom’s not sure what he expected. “Finally.”
 
He turns around, laying his hand on the man’s back next to him – Youngjae, Yugyeom recalls – and says: “That’s Yugyeom, he’s … the friend I told you about.”
 
Youngjae’s eyes widen the slightest as he steps forward and bows slightly. Yugyeom mirrors his action, looking at him and thinking of Jinyoung’s words. Youngjae, Jaebum’s partner – the thought makes happiness bloom in his chest like a flower. He can remember late night talks with Jaebum worrying if he’d ever find the right person, a few of the only times he seemed like he wasn’t without any worries at all. Maybe that’s all he’s been looking for.
 
“Nice to meet you,” Youngjae says. His voice is soft and kind. Yugyeom remembers he always told Jaebum that someone he met would have to be able to control his temper.
“Nice to meet you, too.” It’s hard not to be awkward when he’s so overwhelmed. He had expected a lot of things to happen tonight. Two things he didn’t expect, however, were meeting Jinyoung’s girlfriend and now his former best friend. Right when he thought he had the worst behind him.
 
It’s not like he’s not happy to see Jaebum. God, he could cry with happiness.
 
It’s just that they haven’t seen each other in an eternity and Jaebum’s the only other person that knows what Yugyeom has to be going through right now. Even after all this time. Even after all that happened. Yugyeom doesn’t know what he should say.
 
“You know each other from school, right?” Yugyeom immediately comes to the conclusion Youngjae’s an angel. He smiles and looks at Jaebum and Yugyeom and tries to lighten the mood. “Or … university?”
 
Yugyeom wonders how much Youngjae knows about him and their friendship if Jaebum mentioned him.
 
“School,” Jaebum answers, his smile softening. “And university. It’s been a while, though.”
 
“Two years,” Yugyeom says. More like two and a half. “How are you?”
 
Jaebum’s happy expression falters the slightest bit. It’s noticeable to Yugyeom even after all the time they haven’t seen each other. He looks like he didn’t expect Yugyeom to ask that as the first thing to say.
 
“I’m great,” he answers, and seems to hesitate before asking: “How about you?”
 
Yugyeom’s glance involuntarily shifts to Jinyoung for just a split second, who’s looking at him with mild surprise on his face at what is happening in front of his eyes.
 
“It’s Christmas.” He doesn’t need to say anything else. Jaebum raises his hand like he wants to reach out and lets it fall back again.
 
“What a coincidence that you know each other,” Jinyoung notes, apparently ignoring Yugyeom’s strange answer. “Youngjae and me have been friends for years.” He blinks, like he’s thinking about something, before he looks up and asks: “Wait, did you … There was a photo in your room, Yugyeom, with your dance team. I thought one of the guys on there looked really familiar.”
 
“Must’ve been me then,” Jaebum laughs. It’s a beautiful sound. “I looked different back then.”
 
“He had his hair dyed red for a while,” Youngjae comments with an incredulous look on his face. “He showed me pictures a while ago.”
 
Jinyoung smiles and Yugyeom quietly says: “I’m surprised you’re not wearing ripped jeans anymore.”
 
Jaebum looks at him with so much held-back affection that Yugyeom feels like crying. “I still do.”
 
Jinyoung’s looking at Yugyeom. Yugyeom can feel Jinyoung’s gaze on him. He had really not expected to be hit with so many feelings tonight. He’s afraid of what Jaebum might ask, whether it be in front of the others or not. He wouldn’t know what to answer, anyways. Jaebum’s standing in front of him, looking like the perfect person he is; he’s always been like that.
 
What would he say if he knew what Yugyeom’s life is like?
 
He’s ashamed. He remembers promising Jaebum that he’d manage dealing with it. It’s been three years and he still hasn’t. Some days he thinks he never will.
 
“I need to –” Yugyeom starts to say, but Jinyoung is quicker.
 
“Ah, Yugyeom, could you help me for a second?,” he says and steps closer to Yugyeom. “I forgot to bring the presents downstairs.”
 
It’s hard for Yugyeom to believe Jinyoung would ever forget anything, but he answers: “Yeah, sure.”
 
“We’ll be back in a minute,” Jinyoung turns towards Youngjae and Jaebum and points towards the table, where Myung Hee’s starting to set up the dinner. “Myung Hee’s over there. Could you maybe help her with the food?”
 
“Of course,” Youngjae smiles and pulls Jaebum with him. “Come on. Myung Hee!”
 
Jaebum looks at Yugyeom and smiles softly, like he wants to say something more but decides against it in the last second, before shifting his attention to Myung Hee and Youngjae, soon having both hands full of plates.
 
Yugyeom blinks, following Jinyoung into the hallway, confused and at the same time thankful. Most of the guests have switched to talking in the living room and kitchen, so it’s quiet in the staircase. Yugyeom climbs up the stairs to the first floor; Jinyoung stops at the top, waiting for him.
 
“You didn’t forget the presents, did you?”, Yugyeom asks without thinking, fingers on the handrail.
 
Jinyoung looks at him carefully. “No,” he says. “But you seemed overwhelmed with the situation. Are you okay?”
 
His words make Yugyeom’s heart clench painfully in his chest. Is he an easy book to read or is it just Jinyoung who has no problems seeing behind the smile he tries to put on? He feels exposed. It’s not the first time when it comes to Jinyoung. He never had a problem with it. Now, it has a bitter taste when he thinks of Myung Hee, no matter if he tries suppressing it or not.
 
He thinks about lying to Jinyoung, but additionally to not wanting to, Jinyoung’s looking at him like he’ll immediately know. And it’s not Jinyoung’s fault he’s the prettiest thing Yugyeom’s ever laid his eyes on – Yugyeom shouldn’t act this reserved around him when he himself is the only one to blame for his irrational feelings.
 
“I try to be,” Yugyeom answers truthfully. “Please don’t understand this the wrong way. I’m happy to see Jaebum. It’s just … things have been complicated between us.”
 
Jinyoung nods. “I see.”
 
He doesn’t press the issue further, though he seems to be in thought about the situation. Yugyeom wishes he could tell him more, but he doesn’t even know where to start. Additionally, he’s not sure if being that vulnerable in front of Jinyoung would be a good idea right now. The house is full of guests and his chest is tight with tension.
 
“How long … have Jaebum and your friend been together?” He can’t help asking. It’s like he’s been out of touch with a part of himself for years and finally has the chance to catch up with it.
 
Jinyoung turns around while walking down the hallway. “A year, I think. Youngjae’s a singer at JSP, you know? He started there maybe two years ago. They met in Jaebum’s last year of college, when we had a collaboration with his university.”
 
“So … What is Jaebum doing now?”
 
“He works at the company, too, since last summer. He’s a dance instructor and choreographer.”
 
Yugyeom has to smile.
 
Jinyoung turns around fully and catches his expression. “Why don’t you ask him that yourself? You care about him.” It’s a statement and not a question.
 
Yugyeom stops in his tracks, causing Jinyoung to stop, too. They’re standing in the middle of the hallway and Yugyeom’s trying to find the right words.
 
“I don’t think I have any right to ask him.” He takes a deep breath. “The reason why we haven’t properly talked in two years is because of me.”
 
“Do you think he’s angry at you?” Jinyoung’s voice sounds so soft. It’s comforting.
 
Yugyeom thinks about it, and ends up shaking his head. “I don’t think so. He has a strange way of caring about people who hurt him. That includes me.” He looks at the floor before meeting Jinyoung’s eyes. “Do you remember the text message?”
 
“Which text message?”
 
“The one he sent me when we were at the restaurant. That evening it snowed really bad and you didn’t have an umbrella.” Yugyeom fumbles with the hem of his shirt. “I know you read the message when I was in the bathroom. I mean, I know you saw it on accident. After that, you asked me so intently if I had anything else planned.”
 
“It was your birthday.” Jinyoung sounds sad, and it breaks Yugyeom’s heart. “That was Jaebum’s message?”
 
Yugyeom nods. “He always sent me those messages. He still does. On my birthdays, on holidays, sometimes just random texts asking how I am doing. Some of them, I answered, some of them … I didn’t answer.” He lets out a shaky breath. “I have to seem like an absolute idiot right now.”
 
“You surely had your reasons.” Yugyeom wonders how someone else can have so much trust and confidence in Yugyeom’s actions like Jinyoung has, when Yugyeom himself is constantly asking himself if he is doing the right thing. “If he isn’t angry at you and you aren’t angry at him, then what is stopping you from trying to fix it?”
 
Shame. But Yugyeom can’t tell Jinyoung that. He’s sure Jaebum would scold him if he was able to hear his thoughts right now. He’s sure Jaebum wouldn’t care. He never did. He always insisted all that happened was never Yugyeom’s fault to begin with.
 
Yugyeom has a different opinion. He can hide it from people who don’t know him; but in front of Jaebum, who’s been with him through all of it? That’s impossible. Jaebum would be happier off thinking Yugyeom has a life like he always dreamed of when they were talking about their future back then. In reality, it’s the polar opposite of what he had hoped would happen. Maybe it’s better if Jaebum doesn’t notice that.
 
“I don’t know what to say,” Yugyeom quietly responds. “When I quit university …”
 
“That’s when you lost contact?”
 
Yugyeom shakes his head. “That’s when I decided to lose contact.” It hurts to say it, but it’s the only thing that isn’t a lie.
 
He almost expects Jinyoung to judge him in some way; but the only thing Jinyoung does is look at him like he wants to pull him close and decides against it in the last second. Yugyeom bites his lip and turns around. “We should probably go back again.”
 
“Wait.” Jinyoung takes a step forward. “I didn’t lie.” He smiles, a tiny raise of the corners of his mouth. “There are some presents I have to show you.”
 
It’s a big present and a small present wrapped in red gift paper that are lying on the desk in one of the many office rooms on the first floor. Next to them, Jinyoung has laid down Yugyeom’s red sweater that he borrowed from him the day the rain hit them unexpectedly and left their clothes soaking wet. Yugyeom touches it with his fingertips – it’s softer than it’s ever been after him washing it, like Jinyoung used some special kind of laundry detergent that would turn fabric into clouds.
 
“I wouldn’t have minded if you had kept it,” Yugyeom says with a fond smile.
 
Jinyoung shakes his head. “I know how much you love your sweaters.”
 
There he is again – the Jinyoung Yugyeom likes so much. The Jinyoung with a small smile on his face and a certain warmth in his eyes. Yugyeom wonders how someone that used to be a stranger can become so important in a short span of time. It’s a wonderful thing. But it’s also the thing that makes Yugyeom think there’s something special between him and Jinyoung, while his girlfriend is sitting in the living room downstairs and Jinyoung probably doesn’t have a clue Yugyeom would give a whole lot of his life away for Jinyoung to be in the rest of it.
 
“Open them,” Jinyoung says with a smile and leans against the desk, hands around the edge.
 
Yugyeom looks at him and back down at the two presents. He starts with the small one, a light weight in his hands, and rips the wrapping paper away carefully. It reveals a soft, white blanket, too small for Yugyeom himself but …
 
“For Lollipop,” Jinyoung explains, watching Yugyeom intently like he doesn’t want to miss his reaction.
 
Yugyeom has to laugh. “She already loves you, you know. I’m afraid she’ll want to stay with you instead of me after I’ve shown her this.” He holds up the blanket, just big enough for Lollipop to comfortable fit inside.
 
“Oh, I don’t think that would be a good idea,” Jinyoung responds. “I have absolutely no idea about cats.”
 
Yugyeom smiles and reaches for the second one. Jinyoung’s a master at gift wrapping, he thinks – all the edges lay over each other, the sticky tape barely visible. When Yugyeom wraps gifts, it always looks like Lollipop ran over it and crumpled everything, even though it’s solely Yugyeom’s fault.
 
He unwraps it and … with this one, he doesn’t know what to say. Really. He smoothes the fabric with his fingers and looks up as Jinyoung asks: “Do you like it?”
 
“Of course I do.” The scarf is warm and soft on his skin, a pattern of light blue, violet and a mild yellow. On top of it lay a pair of gloves, the same shade of blue. He lays the scarf down on the desk and slides his hands into the gloves, thinking of the night he was waiting for Jinyoung and Jinyoung lent him his gloves, pulling them onto his fingers with enough care to make Yugyeom’s heart beat faster. For just a second he regrets putting them on, thinking the ridiculous thought that maybe Jinyoung would’ve done that for him had he just waited.
 
“I don’t know if you own gloves, but you always seem to forget them,” Jinyoung laughs and looks at the scarf. “And I thought … Well, when I saw the scarf I had to think of you, so I bought it. Maybe because it’s so colourful.”
 
Jinyoung can’t say things like that and expect Yugyeom not to fall in love with him. The way he says this, with care in his words and thought behind his expression, he is basically signing Yugyeom up for getting his heart broken without even knowing about it.
 
“Thank you.” He’s never been good with words and being around Jinyoung makes that painfully obvious. “Really, I … I love them.”
 
“Come here,” Jinyoung says and Yugyeom looks up just as Jinyoung picks up the scarf and takes a step closer to him, completely oblivious to what Jinyoung means until he leans forward and drapes the scarf across Yugyeom’s shoulders.
 
Yugyeom can only stare at him. His eyelashes, blinking as he wraps the scarf around Yugyeom’s neck carefully. The soft locks of his hair falling over his forehead. The small eye bags that tell him Jinyoung’s been overworking himself like he probably always does. The reflection of the light on the ceiling in his eyes. The mole on his upper lip. Yugyeom doesn’t know how to ever exist again without wanting to kiss it.
 
Yugyeom has never kissed anyone. Had someone asked him how difficult it is not to do something you’ve never experienced, he’d said it was as easy as breathing. This is a lot harder.
 
“It suits you well,” Jinyoung says and seems to have taken Yugyeom’s breath away. He wants to close his eyes but can’t take them off Jinyoung. He blinks, tries to snap out of it, but this time there is no Myung Hee that is calling out Jinyoung’s name. It’s just him and Jinyoung in that room with all the noise downstairs being a distant sound and Yugyeom just wishes they could stay here and he could say all he wants to say and hear Jinyoung say: It’s okay. It’s not your fault.
 
Knowing Jinyoung, that’s probably what he would say if he knew all the things that are pushing Yugyeom down until he feels heavy with guilt. But Jinyoung’s too kind, too considerate, too careful to tell Yugyeom the truth. However, he might think the opposite in secret – he might not look at Yugyeom like he does right now. Out of all the things he experienced tonight, Yugyeom thinks that might be the one thing he would not be able to handle. Not today.
 
“Thank you,” he says, because he doesn’t know what else to say, and he means it.
 
“You’re welcome.” Jinyoung smiles, and it melts everything that has not yet been melted inside Yugyeom.
 
“Jinyoung?” Yugyeom asks before he can stop himself and Jinyoung looks up from where he was starting to take the scarf off Yugyeom again. “Do you think Jaebum would be happy to talk to me?”
 
“Anyone would be happy to talk to you,” Jinyoung says. “He seemed happy to see you. I think he would be even happier if you two got to talk.”
 
“Thank you,” Yugyeom says again and it takes everything not to pull Jinyoung close.
 
“Not for that,” Jinyoung answers.
 
He steps forward and wraps his arms around Yugyeom. His palms have that kind of soft pressure on Yugyeom’s back that fix everything that’s once been broken. Yugyeom can feel the weight of Jinyoung’s head on his shoulder, the ends of his hair that tickle Yugyeom’s cheek. He expects Jinyoung to pull away again, but he stays in place until Yugyeom’s reaches up and wraps his arms around him, too.
 
“You play the piano really well,” Jinyoung says, his breath warm on Yugyeom’s skin. He’s so close Yugyeom can smell his shampoo, and God, Jinyoung smells fantastic. “Where did you learn it?”
 
Yugyeom closes his eyes. “My dad taught me how to play it.”
 
“It has to be nice to have a similar hobby,” Jinyoung whispers. “Do you two play together often?”
 
Yugyeom tilts his head, just enough that it could be a coincidence that Jinyoung’s hair brushes against  Yugyeom’s ear. “Sometimes.”
 
Jinyoung pulls away slightly, so he can look at Yugyeom. “Is there … something else that’s bothering you? Except for the fact you and Jaebum met again.”
 
Yugyeom keeps his eyes closed for a second longer. “You don’t have to worry about me.”
 
“I do, though.”
 
Yugyeom opens his eyes and tries to smile. “I hate Christmas.”
 
“Oh.” Jinyoung seems genuinely surprised. “I’m sorry. Maybe inviting you to a Christmas party wasn’t the best way to go, then.”
 
Yugyeom laughs and shakes his head. “No, no, I’m glad I came. It’s better if I’m around … people. It’s just … It’s okay.”
 
He can’t quite decipher in Jinyoung’s glance if he believes him or not. “Okay. Do we want to go downstairs again?”
 
The dinner buffet has apparently already started when they arrive downstairs, because everyone is holding plates with little bits of food, chatting and eating happily. Someone has put Christmas songs on that are playing quietly in the background. As they walk by the big windows in the entrance hall, Yugyeom can see snow falling down on the other side of the glass.
 
“Where have you been?” Myung Hee rushes towards them as soon as they enter the living room area, a kind but tense smile on her lips.
 
“Handing out Christmas presents,” Jinyoung answers and her glance falls onto the things Yugyeom’s holding in his hands. She nods, pointing at the shelf behind Yugyeom. “You can put them there if you want to.”
 
Yugyeom turns around and places the scarf, gloves, blanket and sweater on the top of the shelf. When he turns around again, both Myung Hee and Jinyoung have vanished.
 
Great. He fixes his hair and allows himself a moment of peace to lean against the shelf, observing the crowd of people in front of him. He loves being with Jinyoung, but when he said “people” he definitely only meant Jinyoung and no one else. As soon as the first guests start to leave, he will probably go right with them and swallow down his bad conscience about not appreciating Jinyoung’s invitation enough. It’s just that it’s a difficult day in general and all the things that have happened so far don’t particularly make it any better.
 
But then, there’s Jaebum. When they were younger, there was nothing Yugyeom enjoyed more than hanging out with his best friend. Even homework and detention (which they got only once because they came too late to class because of dance practice) were fun with Jaebum. He was the person Yugyeom depended on, that made his life funnier and happier and the world a better place to be.
 
Yugyeom could never not regard Jaebum as a friend. How could he ever forget the way Jaebum cared for him when he himself wasn’t able to? If it hadn’t been for Jaebum three years ago, Yugyeom is not sure what would have happened with him. Maybe he wouldn’t be as miserable as he sometimes is today if Jaebum was still by his side.
 
But probably, Jaebum wouldn’t be as happy as he is today if he was still by his side.
 
As Yugyeom looks up, his eyes scan the room for Jaebum. It doesn’t take long to find him; Jaebum has that specific type of posture that makes him stick out, at least in Yugyeom’s eyes. He’s talking with a group of people, but turns around to walk to the bathroom or the kitchen maybe, the moment Yugyeom starts walking towards him.
 
Their glances meet and Jaebum immediately changes his direction without hesitation. He crosses the distance between them and stops right in front of Yugyeom, still with a polite distance that they didn’t used to have.
 
“Hey,” he says and Yugyeom feels like he’s eighteen again, in Jaebum’s kitchen at three a.m. in the morning, making cookies and chatting about teachers, Jaebum’s father coming in once in a while to check on them. In Jaebum’s artistic home, everything was always done at night. “Do you like the party?”
 
Yugyeom tries to smile. “I guess.”
 
“You absolutely hate it.” Jaebum grins and the tension gets better, even though it’s still there.
 
Now the smile changes into a real one. “You’re right. I do.”
 
“Then why are you here?” Jaebum asks, but it’s a genuine question.
 
“Because Jinyoung’s important to me,” Yugyeom answers.
 
Jaebum nods. “I see. Do you … want to talk for a bit?”
 
Yugyeom nods, too. “I’d like to.”
 
He follows Jaebum as he walks through the living room and the hallway, away from all the people, until they’re at the staircase. He stretches and sits down on the third to last step, motioning to the place next to him. Yugyeom has to smile a bit. He sinks down next to Jaebum and observes the crowd in the living room.
 
Yugyeom loves Jaebum. Not in the way he’s in love with Jinyoung. But in another way, kind of like someone he wish he grew up with, but didn’t meet until they were both teenagers. Nonetheless, it always felt like they’ve known each other since birth. Even after not having seen each other for such a long time, nothing has changed about that feeling.
 
“How are you?” Jaebum asks. “And don’t –”
 
“Good,” Yugyeom answers.
 
“— tell me ‘good’ now.”
 
Jaebum looks at Yugyeom and sighs. “Yugyeom, I can still very vividly remember that one night at five a.m. when you cried in our bathroom because of Mrs Kang in math class. I still know the code for the keylock at your old place and exactly which three out of the seven herbs my father likes to put in his stews you can’t stand. I could probably write a whole book about all your weird habits and your strange ways to think you’re helping anyone with pretending you are fine, so don’t tell me that shit.”
 
Yugyeom only now realizes how afraid he was Jaebum and him wouldn’t be able to talk to each other like they’ve always done. But Jaebum just did. A weight falls off Yugyeom’s shoulders he didn’t know was there.
 
“It’s Christmas,” he says slowly. “Of course I feel like shit.”
 
Jaebum takes a breath through his teeth and props his elbow on his knee. “I don’t – Why do you never call me? Why … why didn’t you answer the text I sent you?”
 
Yugyeom clenches his jaw, trying to find the words for something he doesn’t know how to explain. “I … I want to. I always want to. I just …”
 
“Then why don’t you?” Jaebum sounds hurt, and of course he is. “For the past two years, I’ve been constantly sending you messages, trying to call you … And don’t you think you ignoring me will change any of that.”
 
Yugyeom feels his eyes starting to burn suspiciously.
 
“I don’t know if you want to punish me for what I advised you to do back then, but if that’s the case, go ahead. I’ll stick around until you decide to forgive me.”
 
Yugyeom turns his head, staring at Jaebum in disbelief. “What?”
 
Jaebum looks up, expression pained. Jaebum is never unsure of himself. It’s so unfamiliar to see him without his confident expression that Yugyeom feels a sharp pinch between his ribs. “I’m sorry.”
 
“You always kept apologizing.” Yugyeom cannot believe what he hears. “Even after all this time, you still … you still think I would hold that against you?”
 
Jaebum observes him. “You pushed me away whenever I tried to help you. For a whole year, I kept showing up on your doorstep, until you moved away without telling me where to. Heck, I haven’t seen you in two years, Yugyeom. What do you expect me to think? What other reason would there be but think I’ve done something wrong?”
 
Yugyeom’s head is spinning. “I didn’t want that.”
 
“What?”
 
“You know I had a hard time.” He closes his eyes. “I couldn’t deal with anyone or anything that could’ve reminded me of what happened. You know I lost most of what I thought … of what I thought would stay.” He takes a deep breath, willing himself to calm down. “But … But that doesn’t mean I wanted to lose you. Or for you to blame you for any of it!”
 
Jaebum runs his fingers through his hair and shakes his head. “Then why? Why do I have to wait for my boyfriend’s best friend’s Christmas party to meet someone I’ve been dying to see for years?”
 
The burning intensifies, until Yugyeom can feel the wetness in his eyes. “You know I didn’t deserve any of that.”
 
“Yugyeom, no one deserves any of what happened to you—”
 
“No,” Yugyeom says. “I mean, I didn’t deserve all that everyone was trying to do for me.”
 
Jaebum goes silent. For a horrible, horrible moment, everything is so silent it hurts.
 
“Don’t.” His voice is sharp, but a rough kind of anger. “Don’t do that again.”
 
Yugyeom looks up. “If you think about it rationally, Jaebum, you know I didn’t. I still don’t.”
 
The anger mixes with pain. “You want to tell me that even after months of me trying to convince you it wasn’t your fault you still believe otherwise?”
 
Yugyeom doesn’t answer.
 
“Fuck.” Jaebum’s father is a kind man, but strict when it comes to swear words. When Jaebum swears, Yugyeom knows he’s fucked up. “You don’t … You’re not telling me you’ve spent the last three years of your life blaming yourself for something you had absolutely no control about?”
 
Yugyeom feels like he can’t speak. He presses his eyes together, wills the tears to go away. They don’t work the way he wants them to. “If I had just been honest,” he manages to get out, “if I had just told them the truth, if I hadn’t been so afraid, so egoistic – they were always so accepting of me.” The tears are running down his cheeks without his control. “And I just lied to them. For months, I lied to them.”
 
“You know it was my idea,” Jaebum whispers, gaze so worried it breaks Yugyeom’s heart.
 
“You had a whole lot of stupid ideas in our life,” Yugyeom sobs. “But I … I was the one who did it. I was the one who screamed at them and I just wish … I just wish I would have done it different, done anything different, anything of all the things I did wrong, just one thing –”
 
“Yugyeom …”
 
“Just one thing.” He presses the back of his hand against his mouth. “I’m so ashamed, I … I tried to find a way to live with it but … I don’t … I don’t –”
 
“Yugyeom, calm down.” Jaebum slides closer on the step they are sitting on, not hesitating to lay an arm around Yugyeom’s shoulders. “Please. I know you forget to breathe when you cry, so focus on breathing, okay?”
 
“You know all … of my weird habits,” Yugyeom stutters between two sobs and Jaebum tries to smile, but it’s a sad smile.
 
“Of course.”
 
It’s been a while since Yugyeom’s last cried like this. He tends to suppress it, because he knows from experience it mostly just sends him down an endless spiral of self-pity and shame. However, he’s usually good at getting a grip on himself again if he stops soon enough. He closes his eyes and focuses on the soft pressure of Jaebum’s hand on his back.
 
“You okay?” Jaebum asks and Yugyeom nods. He just hopes his eyes aren’t too red. He uses the sleeve of his suit to wipe away the remains of his tears and stares at the black fabric.
 
“What I hate most is that suit,” he whispers. Jaebum looks down on him, taking in the familiar piece of clothing.
 
“Oh, Yugyeom.” He doesn’t need to say anything else.
 
He seems like he wants to, though, but Jinyoung appears in the doorway to the living room. Yugyeom looks up at the motion in the corner of his eye, and meets his glance.
 
“Presents!” Myung Hee announces and leans around the corner next to Jinyoung, who stands there movingless, eyes still on Yugyeom. “Are you coming?”
 
Jaebum looks at Yugyeom and then back at Myung Hee, voice neutral. “Sure.”
 
He pulls Yugyeom up with him and walks down the stairs towards the couple, Yugyeom behind him. Jinyoung looks like he wants to say something to Yugyeom; before he gets the chance to, however, Jaebum says: “I’ve put your presents under the tree already” and Myung Hee says: “Oh, thank you, Jaebum!” and reaches for Jinyoung’s hand, pulling him away in the hectic manner she’s been showing all evening. Yugyeom is not sure whether to be thankful or not that he doesn’t have to explain anything.
 
Yugyeom tries to keep his head low not to let anyone notice his swollen eyes, following Jaebum as he crosses the room to find a nice spot in a corner to stand. Apparently dinner is over and everyone is sitting or standing in relative closeness to the Christmas tree on one side of the room, where guests have laid down little presents they have brought for Jinyoung and Myung Hee; and apparently, Myung Hee has also prepared something, because she’s busy fixing little wrapped gifts on a table.
 
Jinyoung holds up a glass of champagne and clacks a spoon against it until the guests go silent. He looks like he’s the born leader, Yugyeom thinks. He’s sure everyone would have stopped talking even without the high tone of metal against glass, just by Jinyoung standing there for a few seconds.
 
Meanwhile, Yugyeom’s trying to make himself as small as possible next to Jaebum. He wishes he could have just said goodbye to Jinyoung and thanked him for the party and then been able to left, because he feels tired and exhausted after just crying his eyes out and he doesn’t know how long all this present giving will take.
 
“Thank you all for coming today,” Jinyoung starts and though it sounds like a happy statement, Jinyoung looks the opposite of at ease – his glance keeps going around the room, the frown on his face intensified. “I hope you had a great time and … and …”
 
“And didn’t just come for the food and drinks,” Myung Hee chimes in, giving Jinyoung a bit of a worried look before turning around again and holding up two little bags with a red bow wrapped around them. “Because we know you’re all amazing guests and brought gifts, of course we’ve prepared a few, too.”
 
Laughter and a few words resound among the rest of the guests. Meanwhile, Jinyoung seems to have found what he was looking for in the crowd – or who. His eyes are resting on Yugyeom as he looks up, and Yugyeom feels like this is the entirely wrong time to stand in Jinyoung’s living room with bloodshot eyes.
 
Yugyeom closes his eyes for a moment. He told Jinyoung there was nothing bothering him, and now he’s standing here, feeling like crying again. Maybe he can’t suppress it all that well, after all. He doesn’t know if he wishes to be alone right now or be with Jinyoung. His embrace was so comforting that Yugyeom just knows it would fix some of his broken parts back together.
 
But Jinyoung’s standing in front of everyone next to Myung Hee, who’s now giving one of the small bags to him. He furrows his eyebrows and asks: “For me?”
 
“Of course,” she says, and then jokingly adds a bit louder: “Or else he’ll later be complaining about everyone but him getting chocolate.” Everyone laughs.
 
“Jinyoung hates chocolate,” Yugyeom whispers.
 
Jaebum looks up. “What?”
 
Yugyeom’s focus is on Jinyoung again. He takes the bag and throws a glance inside while Myung Hee hands some of the other bags to the people closest to her. When she turns around, Jinyoung looks like he’s trying to smile, but the frown is still there. She laughs and steps closer, wraps her arms around his neck and says something Yugyeom can’t hear. Someone laughs and she leans forward and kisses Jinyoung.
 
He closes his eyes, while Yugyeom can’t seem to be able to close his own. Somewhere inside his chest, something aches with pain; Jinyoung holds her waist for a moment before he leans back and says something, but Yugyeom’s ears are ringing.
 
“I think I should go home,” he whispers and Jaebum turns around.
 
“Should I go with you?”
 
He shakes his head vehementally. “No, no. It’s okay. I’m okay.”
 
He steps back, looks for a way through the handful of guests behind him, and walks out into the hallway as soon as he manages to find one. Out here, everything is silent, quiet, like nothing that happened tonight really happened. Maybe it’s all just one big dream and he will wake up in his bed tomorrow, not in the bed in this small apartment that’s void of things that could remind him of all he has destroyed, but instead in the bed that was his real home three years ago when everything was still okay and he wasn’t about to cry his eyes out because of someone he couldn’t call his.
 
“Yugyeom?” a voice asks from behind him as he puts on his jacket and reaches for his new scarf and gloves. Jinyoung’s coming out of the living room, stepping into the hallway, eyes full of worry.
 
“I have to go,” Yugyeom hurries to say, voice full of tension. He reaches for Lollipop’s blanket and his sweater and wills himself to calm down enough to speak. “I’m sorry.”
 
“What’s going on?” Jinyoung comes closer, looking at Yugyeom like he’s trying to figure out what he can do to make it better. “Did you talk with Jaebum or –”
 
“It’s not his fault,” Yugyeom says. “Nothing of it.” He doesn’t know if he is only talking about the fact he cried or also about things that happened years ago.
 
“Then what is it? I don’t …” Jinyoung takes a deep breath, looking conflicted. “I don’t want you to go home alone if something’s not alright.”
 
“It’s okay. It’s okay, really.” He won’t cry in front of Jinyoung, he tells himself, even though he can already feel the tears burning behind his eyelids again. “I’ll go home and go to sleep and it will be better. I promise.”
 
“I can … I could go with you,” Jinyoung says but Yugyeom shakes his head.
 
“I need to go.” He looks up, an unspoken apology in his eyes. “Alone. I can’t … I can’t do this today. I’m sorry.”
 
He doesn’t wait for Jinyoung’s answer. He turns around, opens the door, and steps into the cold winter night.
 
Jinyoung’s still standing in the middle of the hallway when Jaebum comes out of the living room, looking around. His eyes land on Jinyoung’s motionless figure.
 
“Have you seen Yugyeom?” Jaebum asks worriedly. “He said he wanted to leave, I wanted to go after him but this one guy in this red suit kept talking to me.”
 
“He left just now,” Jinyoung answers and turns around to face Jaebum. “Jaebum, what is happening? Did I miss something? Did I do something wrong?”
 
Jaebum stops in his tracks. “You mean … because of …?”
 
“I just want to know … is he okay?” Jinyoung shakes his head. “I mean, he isn’t, obviously, but he’s been like this the whole evening and I … I am just worried.”
 
“It has nothing to do with you.” Jaebum looks at his shoes. “It’s more a matter of time.”
 
“Time?”
 
“Christmas.” Jaebum looks devastated, and wants to turn around, but Jinyoung stops him with a hand on his shoulder.
 
“He said something similar earlier,” Jinyoung says and seems to search for the right words. “Did something happen today? Is there anything I can do?”
 
“You … you have no idea about the anniversary, do you?” Jaebum looks at him and then bites his lip like he isn’t sure if he should have said that.
 
“Anniversary?” Jinyoung looks genuinely confused.
 
“I thought he told you,” Jaebum answers. “He said he only came because you’re important to him. And you really have to be, because he’d normally never leave the house on Christmas.”
 
“Is it that bad?” Jinyoung seems conflicted. “I don’t want to intervene in things that are not meant for my ears, but …”
 
“You’re worried about him.” Jaebum nods. “I am, too.” He takes a deep breath. “To be honest, I’m rather sure he wouldn’t want me to tell you this, but … See, I’ve been trying for three years to make it better, to help him, but he’s not letting me. I’ve never been able to get him to go out and think of something else, and especially not on Christmas Eve. What I’m saying is, I just have that irrational hope that maybe you could help him in a way that he never let me help him. I’m …” His breath is trembling. “I’m really worried.”
 
“Jaebum, you’re scaring me,” Jinyoung says, eyes full of fear. “What … what do you mean by all of this?”
 
“It’s the three-year anniversary today,” Jaebum says, and he closes his eyes for a moment, like he doesn’t want to witness what he himself is going to say.
 
“Of the day his parents died.”