All's Fair in Love and War Luigi x Bowser

All's Fair

"Mr. Bowser will see you now." Luigi looked up from where he was futilely trying to jimmy the lock binding his hands together. A woman, very short and holding a clipboard, stared over the brim of her glasses at him. Luigi stared dumbfounded at the pink mushroom who was addressing him. Aren't all the Mushroom people subjects of Princess Peach's kingdom? She sighed and continued, "He doesn't like to be kept waiting. Come along now." While Luigi did not particularly enjoy being called to heel like a misbehaving Yoshi, there was little else he could do. He stood, stumbling over his coltish limbs, and followed the woman from the room.

The path to (what was presumably) Bowser's throne room was well-lit, hundreds of bright flames affixed to the wall in sconces of delicate marble. Bowser must have really shelled out for a good interior decorator since Mario was last here! Fratello always talks about this place like it's the pits of hell. Luigi didn't want to show it, but he was very worried. His big brother Mario, king consort of Mushroom Kingdom, had been feuding with Bowser, Koopa Kingdom's leader, on and off for years now. Luigi didn't know the specifics of the origin of their dispute with each other. Mario always said he would tell Luigi when he was older, but he was 35 now and the truth didn't seem forthcoming. Still, Luigi was sure Bowser was in the wrong, as his brother would never do anything but so terrible.

Luigi bumped into the pink mushroom. "I- I'm so sorry! I wasn't paying attention and I-" He quickly remembered that this woman was his enemy, someone who worked for the person holding him hostage. I can't let her think she's getting me with her not-being-terribleness. Show her who's boss! He followed up, "I wasn't paying attention and I ran into your bitch ass!" Too far in the other direction! Luigi winced as she gave him a look of disdain, face contorted like she had just scraped Yoshi shit off the bottom of her shoe. A subtle look of contrition swept over his fine features. Mama had always said Luigi's face betrayed his true emotions. An upturned lip, a nose crinkle, a quivering mustache.

The doors in front of Luigi were massive, two times his own height. Solid gold and glittering rubies came together to form the crest of the Bowser dynasty. You could definitely see the family resemblance to the king himself, at least based on the paintings of Bowser he had seen during meetings discussing the ongoing war effort. Those terrifyingly sharp teeth loomed over his head, just as they must have loomed over thousands of mushroom people before they took their last agonizing breath. Be brave now Luigi, just like fratello. Taking one last breath to steel himself, Luigi finally pushed the door open, positioning awkward with his still manacled wrists.

The pink mushroom bustled past him and declared with an official tone, "President Bowser! I present the one known as Luigi, brother to Enemy Number One of the Grand Koopish Republic, Mario." Luigi's mind was racing. President! What the hell is a president? Maybe that's a Koopish word for king? And ree-pube-lick? I've never heard that word before in my life!

His frantic thoughts were interrupted by liquid chocolate. A delightfully deep, basso profondo voice rang out from the other side of the room, welcoming them in. Seated in a deceptively simple wooden chair at the head of a long conference table was Bowser. Or at least, Luigi assumed he was Bowser given he was the only person in the room. He looked nothing like what Luigi expected. Yes, he was a large individual, tall and muscular, but that was where the resemblance stopped. He was... handsome! Luigi could see the basics of what had been told him in the past, but they were put together all wrong, painting the picture of a monster instead of the intelligent, kind, and yes handsome, Koopa he saw in front of him. He locked eyes with Bowser. The world ground to a halt. Luigi was trapped in his red eyes, wading through a pool of hot, steamy love. No wait, this man was a murderer! He had killed thousands of mushroom people and terrorized Mario and Peach for years. Time's up for Bowser and his sexual harassment! He had to stay strong and remember what he stood for. He let the sounds of shrill mushroom people screams fill his ears and ground his jaw in determination.

Luigi practically yelled, "Hey dickhead! I don't know why you get your jollies off holding a helpless man hostage, but you better let me go or I'll rip your dick off and shove it so far up your ass, you'll be giving yourself a blowjob!" An uncomfortable pause followed. Luigi broke down and continued, "Oh my goodness, I am so sorry, I'm just really scared because I know you and my brother don't get along, but that was no excuse for my rudeness, please accept my apologies!"

Bowser began to laugh, the sound rolling through the room, and boomed in that deep vibrato, "This green, lanky exterior hides true bravery! I see you are not unlike your brother in your boldness, though I do hope you are less bloodthirsty than he is."

Luigi retorted, "Bloodthirsty? That's rich coming from you! You've kidnapped Princess Peach countless times and killed thousands during your raids into our territory!" At this Bowser roared in rage. He stood quickly, chair rebounding off the wall with his rapid ascension. His loping stride quickly ate up the distance between him and Luigi. He loomed over the Italian brunet and huffed in his face.

"MY raids?! Your brother has been systematically raiding Koopa Kingdom to steal my people and wealth in order to fund his own imperialistic agenda! He knows that we demilitarized forty years ago after my grandfather abdicated to make way a democracy led by the people. He has taken advantage of our love of peace to take what rightfully belongs to us and use that to wage war against all others on the continent. We are a peaceful people, only wanting to preserve our borders and our livelihood."

Luigi was flabbergasted. His whole world shifted on its axis. It almost seemed too absurd to be true, but... it made sense. Why would Bowser have kept kidnapping Peach for years, the apparent cause for each push into Koopa in the past? And there was that time that Luigi had passed Mario and Peach's quarters during one of her kidnappings and heard giggles and grunting. He had thought his brother was just having an affair with Princess Daisy, but apparently not. His mind made up, he told Bowser, "I- I don't know what to say. I'm sorry for what my brother and Peach have done to you and your people. And I swear, I will make it right."

"Does- does this mean you are defecting?" A hopeful lilt colored Bowser's voice.

"It does. This won't be easy. In fact, it might paint even more of a target on Koopa Kingdom's turtle shell since my brother will not take this news well, but I can't stand by and let innocent people get hurt."

Bowser's eyes softened with respect for the man in front of him, "Yes it will anger him, but with your inside knowledge of Mushroom Kingdom we can arrange an inside strike before he even realizes you are gone. Together, we can save Koopa Kingdom. And after... who knows what might happen under cover of darkness, in a cold tent on the front lines. And of course, my main advisor would be with me, I wouldn't want anything to happen to him..."

Luigi softly smiled and responded, "I think I'd like that very much."