Desired Fate

Chapter Fourteen

"Aidan," I whispered as shock muted my voice, I looked directly into his eyes and saw an abundance of raw feelings. I saw speckles of emotions that I'd never seen before and his face adorned a pained expression. 

We sat for a minute or two in silence, never breaking our gaze as each of us tried to delve behind the facade of emotions that laid behind our eyes. Something unvoiced bounced between us, something at that moment changed the connection we had for each other. 

The unknowing covered us in a blanket, my jaw was slightly agape and my brain was still trying to figure out what was unspokenly transpiring between Aidan and myself right at this very moment.

"Before we continue this conversation, I don't want your sympathy or pity, I don't want you to look at me differently," Aidan affirmed. 

I released my hand from his and sat back on the bench before I crossed my arms over my chest. I was taken aback by the abruptness in his voice and the coldness that swamped my fingers from the removal of his touch. I had no idea what the etiquette for this kind of situation was.

 Was I supposed to ask questions? 

Was I supposed to pretend everything was normal? 

Was this supposed to change things between us? 

God, everything makes sense now. The way Aidan had been acting, the things he said... this was the trauma that happened to him over two years ago. This was why he had to separate his personal life from work boundaries at the bar. This was why he'd not been able to get close to anyone, why getting to know me was such a big risk for him. 

And the baby... the outburst he had about it, it was derived from his loss. Aidan's baby died and he had to stand by and listen to me saying that I didn't want mine. That must have hurt him, and although he was still wrong for what he said to me, I could understand his point of view better now. 

I had gatecrashed into his life with my problems with no regard for how disruptive I was being, and not knowing how triggering my situation would be for him. Now at this moment, I'd forced his hand by starting a conversation about not wanting children, this was all my fault.   

I knew I didn't deserve Aidan, but this confirmed that. Aidan deserved so much better than me, someone that could give him what he wanted. 

"Rowan?" I heard Aidan's voice call my name but it sounded distant and muffled. 

What was going on? My heart was beating out of my chest, my surroundings seemed blurred and my head was spinning. 

"Rowan?" I heard Aidan's voice again, "Rowan, can you hear me?" His voice slowly came into focus and so was the realisation of my rapid breathing. My chest was tight and I found myself panting to catch my breath.

"Rowan, just focus on my voice," Aidan worried whilst he rubbed gentle circles on my back with his right hand, "breath... in and out."

"What's going on?" I muttered, panic-stricken I perched myself on the edge of the bench with my head bowed down parallel to my knees. 

"You're having a panic attack. Here, take some deep breaths in with me," Aidan exclaimed. He began to suck in air into his lungs, holding it and slowly exhaling as I attempted to breathe along with him. 

He spoke to me in a calming tone, Aidan's soothing voice made sure I was focused on my breathing and nothing else, and his gentle touches gave me reassurance. 

After a couple of minutes, I found my breathing had calmed down and I could focus adequately once again. Aidan removed his hand from my back and was now perched on the bench edge so that he could get a look at my face.