Unreality

28. Hedgehog's Dilemma

Umbra entered her room, closed the door by leaning against it, and let out a small sigh of relief.

It had now been well over an hour since she'd left the underground laboratory, but she still found herself unable to calm down and relax in the slightest. She had never imagined — not even in her worst nightmares — that she would have to go through the things that had taken place there. And then, after they finally got back to Ethos HQ, she didn't even have time for anything before she was called to Commander Weiss' office, a visit which had only served to further aggravate her already restless state of mind.

She walked over to the bed, let herself fall on it, and clung to the nearest pillow.

There were so many things going through her mind right now — the Commander's suspicious words just now, Mephisto's face and collapse, Virgil's past and desire, and, of course, how his brother Victor almost took her life. Trembling as she reminisced it, she brought her hand to her neck, where there was now a small wound from when he had lightly touched her skin with one of his claws.

She now recalled her first mission as an agent of Anima. On the way to Wilhelm Schwarz's estate, Virgil had tried to warn her of the dangers of this job, and she had told him she knew it wasn't a game.

How foolish she had been; she had actually had no idea.

Like so many other decisions in her life, she had become an agent of Anima out of mere impulse. Out of a spontaneous desire to avoid returning home to her parents... and to follow her "rescuer" instead.

But now, finding herself emotionally cornered once more, she had no choice but to confront the truth — just like she had been ignorant of what being an Anima agent really was like, she had also had no idea what kind of a person her "rescuer" really was.

Virgil York. The young man who had reached out for her amidst that hell and dragged her out of it. The only one who had come for her when she was at the end of her rope.

That was all she knew about him then, and yet she had chosen to follow him into this place.

Why?

Because she saw in him a strength she envied and wanted for herself?

Because she wanted to become like him, someone capable of crawling out of the deepest despair and capable of helping others overcome it as well?

Or because she simply wanted... him?

...What did it matter now, anyway?

Go away, Umbra.

His words kept echoing through her mind.

Can't you see you're unwanted... by either of us?

And then his brother's.

Sure, he had gone on to protect her from his brother and had helped her prevent an unreality relapse... but wasn't that something he would have done for any fellow agent, for any other sufferer?

Yes... just like his original rescue of her.

From the start, she was seeing things that weren't there.

At the time, she was so hopelessly vulnerable and needy, that she clung to his support with all her being... when all he did was do his job. And for that she idealized him into this rescuer... this... prince charming, almost, who might be a little distant and aloof at first, but who would surely open up and welcome her into his life with open arms once she broke through his emotional barriers and made her way into his heart.