Formula One Shots (on hold)

All I Want - Pierre Gasly

SONG: All I Want - Kodaline

---

I heard the door softly close behind him as he walked out of my house. Out of my life. I was sitting in my bed and slowly stood op. I walked towards the window and looked down at the snow-covered streets. I felt numb as I watched him walk away from me and get in his car, leaving his footprints in the snow. He drove away without looking back. A tear slowly slid down my cheek. I turned around and leaned against the tall windows covering one side of my bedroom. I slid down until I was sitting on the floor and wrapped my arms around my legs. I stared at my bed, opposite of me. I felt empty and alone. I was craving his presence. I needed so badly for him to take my body and hold me until I fell asleep.

Pierre brought out the best of me. He came into my life and lit up my world like no one else has ever done before. We met in the paddock of the French Grand Prix - his home race. He did not finish. I was working for Sky Sports as an intern for my journalism studies. We instantly clicked and we were together as much as possible. Our first date was after two months. We went to see the new horror movie in the Conjuring series; the Nun. I tried to cover my eyes on the suspenseful bits. I shot up in my seat with every passing jumpscare. Pierre noticed and put his arm around me and allowed me to rest my head on his shoulders. That was the first time I realised how safe he made me feel.

Tears were streaming down my face as I tried to focus on my breathing. Every time I stopped crying a hopeless feeling stirred in the pit of my stomach, causing me to start crying again. I did not know what to do without him, how to live without him. I stood up, stretching my stiff muscles, and crashed down on my bed. I had grown so used to his presence at all times. To know that he was gone and never coming back made me panic and feel desperate. I wish I could time travel. I wish I could go back in time and fix whatever it was that broke us.

The first Grand Prix he took me to was the Australian Grand Prix, the opening race of the next season. His first race with Red Bull. We had been together for five months. We were goofing around the paddock together, playing games like hide and seek and practical jokes on each other. He finished in eleventh place and we all went out for dinner and drinks after the race. Max, Dilara, Pierre, the team, everyone was there. Pierre held my hand whenever he could and made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

I stared at the ceiling as the tears continued to force their way down my temples and into my hair. My phone lay beside me. I gently picked it up from the bed and read his last text.

Pierre: I'm on my way. Love you.

If he loved me, why did he leave me?

I quickly became a regular in the paddock. The drivers, the mechanics, the journalists, they all knew my name. Pierre regularly posted pictures of the two of us together on Instagram. I was getting closer to the other drivers, mostly Max, as they were teammates. Pierre and I were that couple. Our love was made for movie screens. It was cotton-candy-sweet. It felt like nothing could ever tear us apart. That's what it felt like for me.

His profile picture disappeared and so did his last seen. He blocked me. I went to Instagram and searched for his profile. He blocked me. What the fuck. I thought to myself as I cried into my pillow. I did not know a heart could break in so many different ways. So many pieces. Him breaking my heart felt like dropping a glass. It instantly shatters into a million tiny pieces and whenever you don't expect it, you find another tiny piece of glass. Whenever I thought I had collected myself, picked myself up, I found another fragment of my broken heart and I broke down all over again.

Pierre didn't do as well as Red Bull Racing expected him to. They dropped him halfway through the season. He saw it coming. We both saw it coming. His moods became darker and we started fighting a lot more. He was called to Red Bull Racing headquarters during summer break. He came back looking like a mix of sadness and anger. He wasn't angry at Red Bull Racing for making the call. He was angry at himself for underperforming. He wanted to do everything he possibly could to redeem himself back at Torro Rosso.

"We need to talk." Pierre said as soon as he walked in.

I leaned in and pecked him on his lips, leading him into my bedroom. We sat down on my bed. "About what?" I asked him.

He looked at me. I saw it in his eyes before he said it. "We need to break up."

It felt like he stuck a knife in my chest. Right through my heart. The blood in my veins felt like it froze instantly. "What?" My voice was shaking.

I didn't know how long I had been laying in bed before finally coming to my senses and getting up to change into my pajamas. I walked into the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I looked at myself through the big mirror that hung above the bathroom sink. My mascara had run out and black lines ran from my eyes to my temples and from my eyes to my chin. My hair was frizzy and my eyes were swollen. I took off my make up and got back into bed. My sheets still smelt like him. I reached out to his side of the bed, but he wasn't there. I was alone. Without him by my side. I wish I could see his face once more. I wish I could convince him that our relationship was not standing in the way of his career with Torro Rosso. That I would do whatever it took to stand by his side no matter what. I couldn't. I was going to have to live with that. Pierre made himself very clear. We were never going to see each other again, as I no longer had a reason to be at the Formula 1 paddock.

It started snowing again outside. And the snow covered the footprints that he left as he walked away. It was like he was never even here. Like nothing had ever happened.

---

Quick upload after the next one to thank you guys for your patience! I'm getting to writing all your requests tomorrow and the day after tomorrow! I've finished my thesis and handed it in. I'll be getting my grade on friday the 13th, why.