I don't exist

:1:

•September 20th, 2020•–---------------------

Out on the edge, this was the end. With my heart pounding in my chest, I knew I what I was about to do. My hands were so tightly gripped to the railing that they had gone a warm crimson red.  

I looked over the railing and saw just how far the drop was. It didn't terrify me like it would others, I just felt numb. quickly, I hopped over and stood on the outside of the bridge, I heard somebody scream something at me, my mind had gone cold, and I could barely make out any sounds around me.

•present-day • ——————————————————

"Fuck.. fuck what's wrong with me.." I sat in the bathroom, the first floor of my high school. It was a Wednesday, so the day was slightly shorter. "God I can't do it. I can't fucking breathe." My chest felt like it was being crushed from the inside. I felt like shit.

I had already been in the bathroom for too long, but I dreaded having to go back out. I couldn't bear to be back in a classroom where nobody liked me, nobody even smiled at me, and in the off chance somebody did, it was the sort of awkward smile you get when you know someone enough to acknowledge their existence, but not enough to say anything to them. it hurt.

After another minute or so, I pushed myself to walk out. The few seconds it took me to walk from the bathroom to my class were always the worst, I knew that the second I walked into that classroom, I would be trapped all over again. I pushed open the doors and felt everyone staring at me, it was an uncomfortable feeling.

Quickly, I sat down at my seat, I was seated at the back of the classroom, so at least I could feel safe back there. In front of me were a group of boys, they were all friends so you could imagine the noise the made in that class. It was another thing I could hide behind, I could feel good about that I suppose.

Finally, after an hour, the class ended. I left as quick as I could get out the door and went on my way to my next class of the day.

•an hour later•————————————————————

The lunch bell rang and relief washed over me, With a little smile to my teacher, I left. In the midst of the hundreds of students that were all trying to get out for lunch, the sun was shingling so beautifully through the glass, I let myself smile ever so slightly.
"For fucks sake, can you believe him?" I heard a small part of someone's conversation, my head turned to see who it was, and I recognized her.

The small bit of confidence I had at the moment made me smile, right at her. We locked eyes, and what I thought was going to be a smile back, or maybe even a hi, was instead nothing more than me getting ignored. I kept walking, the moment of joy I had was completely gone at that point.

I walked myself down the spiral stairs of my school, I was going to meet my friend, Alli, for lunch, she was the only friend I had really made that year.
"Hey!" I heard Alli yell from the bottom of the stairs. I replied with a weak smile. It was only 12:00 and I already felt exhausted. We soon went out for our lunch with a couple of her friends.

•time skip•————————————————————

"Don't forget to take notes, if you don't pay attention now, you'll all be getting bad marks on your tests. I expect you all to get above 70 percent." It was ten minutes before the end of the day, I tried to ignore my teacher scaring us about grades, but I couldn't block it out. She was a loud woman.

I sat with my bag in hand for the last few moments until the bell went, as soon as we heard it, the class was already out the door. "Hope I don't miss the fucking bus, it's too cold to walk home I swear I'll just hang myself if I miss it." I mumble to myself as I walk downstairs. An almost empty statement.

Luckily, I made it on time for the bus. As I squeezed my way on, I could hear all the others talking. They were loud, seemingly comfortable with everyone else on the bus hearing their conversations. I just tried to stay quiet, having my earbuds in, I blocked out all the noise with loud rock, hoping nobody could hear my music playing, I stared blankly at the window.

•five hours later•—————————————————

I sat on my bed, the lights were out and the blinds shut, I was in the dark. even though the day was over, I didn't feel relief. the only thing I could hear in my head was the constant worrying about the next day to come.  eventually, my mind shut up, and I drifted into a light sleep.