Mac & Ari's story

Chapter 2. If you love me let me go

I tried, I tried everything. But it wasn't my job to keep him happy, I knew that. I also knew I had to think of myself. How sad it made me to see him like that, knowing I tried so damn hard, it was killing me, my self esteem. The relationship turned toxic, I had tried to be a rock for him in his ongoing battle with substance abuse, but we ultimately couldn't make it work. I didn't want to watch him go down that destructive road. Not only because it hurt that he was hurting, but because I didn't want to be worrying and looking out for someone 24/7. I couldn't do it anymore.

I didn't want to... I wanted to be with him, but I just couldn't like that anymore. I had to break up with Malcolm. I couldn't blame myself anymore, I couldn't feel any more guilt, it wasn't fair to myself. I had to choose for Ariana. I should think of my own mental health for once. I did the hardest thing I ever did, I let Mac go. It broke my heart, not being with him. It felt wrong, so wrong, but I knew it was the right thing to do. In the first place the decision was for myself but when a relationship becomes toxic, it's healthy to step out of it for each of the two that make one couple. So I was hoping it was the best decision for the two both us.

Dear Mac,
I miss you so much. I want to be with you again, but I want to do the right thing. I thought this was for the best, for the both of us, for our relationship. I noticed our relationship became toxic. And I tried, so hard. But sometimes things can't work out or just don't work anymore. If it would have still been a healthy decision to stay in that place I was, I'd never had broken us up. But I can't watch you suffer any longer. It's too hard to see someone you care about being in such a condition, you know. I'm sorry, I wish I didn't had to call it quits... 

I often found myself talking to Mac in my head. I wanted to see, talk, hug and kiss him again, but I had to think about the sadness that came with worrying about him. I should remind myself we both were hurting in that relationship. It wasn't healthy, it wasn't good for me anymore. I had to step out of it, I had to be real with Ariana. I said: ''Ari, it's over. You have to move on''. Yet, after that I still cried over him, I still thought about him a lot, I knew I needed a distraction from my broken heart. I broke it off so I could stop hurting, worrying and my heart could stop bleeding, so why didn't I already? That's when and why Pete came into my life. I'd finally try to move on, only not in the right way... 

Dear Mac,

You should know I still want the best for you, I always will. I know it's not easy, especially if you miss me as much as I miss you, but I need a break from worrying about you all the time. I need a distraction from the dark place we were. I never stopped praying for your healing, I just felt like I had to move on. They say if you really love someone, you have to let them go. So I decided I should do what is best for you and for me, as individuals. I never wanted to hurt you, but I love you that much that I want you to be free to heal, on your own. And I needed to focus on myself, on working on me. I need to let go of the pain I felt after Manchester, after watching you hurting, I need to move on. You're still my best friend in the whole world. Good luck baby ❤️

I wanted to tell Malcolm this, but eventually only I got to hear this message. I regret never telling him it, because I fear that Mac thought because I moved on so fast with Pete, that meant I stopped caring about him. But I never stopped caring, even if it looked like I tried to stop doing so. I just hope he knew.