Routines

Michelle's Diary: Behind Closed Eyes

I've never told anybody this, only Carmella, so it'll need to stay between us...When my eyes are closed, I see things.

Nothing monstrous of horrifying, thankfully. Only obscure figures and shapes. To call the figures humanoid wouldn't be accurate, they are moreso entities of light and darkness-one giving context to the other in an amalgamation of "blobs".

I guess it's like looking at the shifting oils within a lava lamp, devoid of color, but moving and giving rise to the inverse of presence.  This is usually enjoyable- to see what shapes and configurations form from within my mind when it lacks any source for authentic visual stimuli.
It happens if I'm in a dark room as well. With no light, I begin to see my mind's creations. 

When I'm bored, this is partially a source of entertainment. Leaning back, I would close my eyes and try to recreate these shapes through art. But it never conveys onto any media as it appears within me. Or does it appear to me? Maybe I just need to work on the conversion. 

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It's time so sleep. All of my duties are done for the day, and I have earned a tranquil mind and peaceful rest, to prepare for tomorrow's duties. As usual I took my medications: One antidepressant, and one sedative, to induce sleep. I leaned back in bed, my dog cozy on his mat on the floor next to me, and I put on a Youtube video as I waited for tranquility. 

Ordinarily, my mind races all day. This is fine when I'm tasked with duties, as it encourages completion and creativity in regards to those duties. However, at sleep time, it needs to stop so I can sleep. 

I begin to feel mildly sedated. Enough to roll away from my laptop's screen-Youtube still playing-and close my eyes. Here begin the occurrence of the shapes. I'll try to explain it. You close your eyes and see nothing-natural with the absence of any light and visual stimuli. Then, from within that darkness, a single ovular light begins to form. But it doesn't form atop of, or in place of, the darkness. The light forms from the withdrawal of the darkness; it is being revealed.  They continuously shift in what I can only describe as a struggle for prominence. Or maybe more of a dance? I never understood it, but it was always entertaining. This was normal to me.

I slowly fell deeper into the sedation due to the combination of my medications and exhaustion of the day. In my mind's eye, the darkness continued to recede and and approach in tandem with the light. 

Finally I fell asleep.

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I woke up to the alarm clock almost falling off of my nightstand. That's the third time this week! My dog, wolf-like in appearance, was standing next to my bedside, whining. He was glaring at me with his brilliantly blue eyes which sparkled in joy as I roused from bed.

Perhaps I should be going to sleep sooner rather than be dazzled by my brain trying to create light from darkness each night.

It's Sunday now, October 6th, 2019. She's been gone for a month now. I need to keep going, I need to stay strong. I have no work duties to attend to. Although I always have duties to our dog.