rainbows in oil puddles

the way i feel (added bonus chapter)

So I was working on this last night, and wanted to add it in since I'm still working on everything else. Tell me how you feel about the quote at the bottom :)

Song Recommendations: The Prologue, and Lie. Both by Halsey.

<->

He didn't understand why it had to be Zero.

Out of everyone else in the world, he had fallen in love with someone far outside his social circle. Someone he was supposed to shun and hate. Nothing but pickings for the vultures once they die, he had heard someone say. Kaname had to physically restrain himself from coming back with a snide comment. One step away from leaving the pyramid entirely and entering the dreaded Level; E state, where the vampire became nothing more than a bloodthirsty beast destined for the hunter's silver bullet.

He didn't understand why it had to be Zero.

His social status gave him daughters from wealthy aristocrats as suitors, and children who had been primed to perfection all throughout their life for him to devour. Which sickened him to his core. He could count on both hands the number of vampires who had approached him, imploring him to consider their daughter to be his wife. He had turned all of them down, under the excuse that he would either consider it, or he had Yuki and was already taken. True, he was taken, but as time wore on, it became only by blood. And a betrothal decided before they were born. One he wished had never been decided for him. Being tied to Yuki only limited him. High expectations were heaped upon him; for him to protect Yuki and keep her from knowing the secret of her past, until the time came for him to reveal the truth about her lineage. They were expected to live out the rest of their lives together. And for Kaname to father a child or two to carry on the Kuran namesake.

And for him to place his heart in the furnace and inevitably die.

He didn't want it to be Zero.

Truth be told, he didn't want to feel this way at all. He would rather stay with Yuki and foster a love for her only, than catch feelings for someone who didn't feel the same way for him. And who would surely die years before Kaname did.

He couldn't pursue his feelings for Zero.

What would Juuri and Haruka think? Rido? Yuki? It kept Kaname up when he was supposed to be sleeping, laying in his bed with his mind racing, every thought telling him that what he was feeling was wrong. That if his parents could see him now, and see who he was falling for, they would be disappointed in him. He was letting everyone down.

Did anyone notice Kaname was struggling?

Did anyone see how hard it was to keep up the mask he was expected to wear? He wasn't perfect - far from it. Sometimes it was too much. When he was at the soirees, watching everyone dance without a care, he felt the eyes on him. He felt their stares and heard the whispers that he wasn't meant to catch. He felt their eyes scouring him when they talked to him, looking for a crack in his mask, looking for any sort of inconsistency to pull apart.

Simply put, he was on display every time he attended such an event. A rare butterfly pinned and put in a glass case for everyone else's viewing pleasure. Except he hadn't been killed by the chloroform; he was still alive and wilting slowly with every set of eyes that landed on him.

He loved Zero.

He carried a fondness for the ones who were broken and damaged like him, who struggled to get out of bed in the morning. Who felt the same hunger he did for the same person. He was in love with the way Zero looked - like an angel fallen to Earth, with his silver hair and lavender eyes. And everyone said that vampires were supposed to be the beautiful ones. When Kaname found a human he considered beautiful, it was like a breath of fresh air. The dazzlement of his kind wore off quickly. 

He imagined, late at night, what Zero's body looked like without the trappings of his uniform. He looked fairly thin, not muscular, though Zero could surprise him. Yuki had seen Zero with his shirt off before in the bathroom; Kaname briefly entertained somehow working out how Zero looked from her, but quickly shut it down. She couldn't know.

He felt like he was living out Romeo and Juliet.

"Two households, both alike in dignity,

In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,

From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,

Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.

From forth the fatal loins of these two foes

A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life;

Whose misadventur'd piteous overthrows

Doth with their death bury their parents' strife." Romeo and Juliet - Shakespeare. 

And that's it. I hope you enjoyed. I had a lot of fun writing it. 

:)