To be loved....
I wonder what it feels like to be loved by someone, not the familial love but the romantic kind. The kind that gets you giddy and makes you feel like you have a whole zoo in your stomach. I thought I knew what love was.... but it was lust and desperation to feel something other than the numbness I had grown accustom to over the years.
Maybe I don't deserve love.
All the times I thought I had found it, love decided it didn't want to be found and when I thought it had come to me it turned out to just be a game for someone else's enjoyment even if it cost me something I held so dear.
Maybe it's a curse.
One my mother and her mother has passed on to me. And only me, my sisters have found love stemmed from lust or just from the beginning it was love. My friends have found one another. Hell I even helped one pair get together!
So why can't I experience a relationship that isn't fucked up on so many levels....
Even familial love is hard for me.
We fight and mother daughter things just are petty fights in misery. Lies and betrayal secrets and uncovering of those shadows in the darkness surrounding my family because of the secrets people have not told me that involve me like somehow thinking it would change my view on my sisters or my mother or father simply because my mother wouldn't listen to my father about cheating and her believing that he did when he didn't because he is simply just a man because she has been hurt before by the three other men in her life who have given her a daughter one by one and tell there was for all but two with different fathers for for three fathers he took those three Little girls in and he gave them his last name and gave them food and shelter in love and a fatherly love that you can never replace and you threw it away because you didn't want to talk to him about it family love is something I have not had the joy of experiencing fully experienced sisterly love on a daily basis to the complete extent because they are what has kept me alive throughout my 18 years of existence of almost 19 years of existence actually because they have cared for me they have treated me when I was sick with the flu of 104° while you were in the other room waiting for me to get better because you didn't want to be around me because I was throwing up my sisters have given me a life of luxury from emotional bonds in learning to care about what others think you have told me mother that I was fat when I was just in the eighth grade and learning to figure out what my body was going through I was developing curves and I wasn't doing what you wanted me to do because I was so preoccupied with school because I was an honor classes because I am smart and you told me I was stupid because I couldn't complete a simple task because my ADHD had gotten the better of me because you never refilled my prescription when I was only in eighth grade and you told me to do it myself I had anxiety ever since Ever since you told me to pack a bag because I was the reason that you were going through so much pain you told me to pack a bag before but it was because of your own petty mistaken whenever I asked about it because I thought I was the reason you had told me you didn't want anything to change between me and my father but your mother are the reason as to why I didn't talk to him for six years while I waited for a call from him but you never gave him my number and you never gave me his.
I've healed The ones that have festered inside of me to the point where they are still somewhat deep scars ones that show because I have a dim light inside of my eyes instead of the sun which used to reflect when I was a baby and when I was younger up until that fateful night when you told us to go I have healed from the mental scars you have given me from the bad boyfriends and bad choices you've made would you thought we're going to benefit me you have put your self in harms way for material things I've healed now from you sending me away I've healed now from you questioning everything about Me and who I wanted to be I feel now from you kicking me out of the house because I didn't want to go to college just yet because I didn't want to burden you with the fees of college I've healed now from the scars of being cheated on and being tortured
I thought I found love with a girl but something has changed and now I feel like I was never loved at all by her I fell in love and now I'm hurt once again because I was never good enough I was never good enough for anyone to ever love me fully from the romantic side of the queen I have been used and I have been tossed around like I was a ragdoll I've been lied to and I've been cheated on and I have been abused I have been taking advantage of in the backseat of a car simply because I was drunk and he knew it and because I just wanted a kiss goodbye I do not have good luck with love because I am the child of a woman who past the curse of a loveless life back onto me but it seems she's broken it but I fear the same won't happen to me I am not scared of dying alone I am scared of dying of never having anyone remember me as the person I truly was because I I'm a human who loves too much and has never been loved back to the extent of which I love and I have given too much to ever get back so instead I hide it behind walls and barricades I have locked it in a box and throw away the key I have destroyed it but it seems that some people who have a copy decided to use it and now I am paying the price as I sit in my room crying over a girl who I thought I could love for a little bit longer good love me or at least pretend to love me a little bit longer
