The Interloper

There is a person on your cupboard. And all they can think about is how much they hate their job.

Welcome to Night Vale.

[ The Ballad of Fiedler and Mundt by Disparition ]

Hello, listeners! I hope you are having a fantastic day! And if you aren't, get out...

No, I'm serious. Get. Out.

First up, listeners, is the news!

A stranger was seen this morning, wandering the streets and looking very confused at all the people who shouted "INTERLOPER!!" at him every time he tried to ask for directions.

Also this morning, The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home saw the letter you left on the fridge for her. You secured it there with a magnet you got in the mail from the NRA which was only roughly rectangular and read the words "Guns don't kill people! Really, I bet you've never even tried! Just test it out and see how great guns are!"

The Faceless Old Woman read your note. It said "Dear Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In My Home, please stop setting my fridge on fire. I know you will see this while you are doing your daily scuttling about my floors, and I am begging you, PLEASE STOP. Hopefully, this note will help you resist your pyromaniac urges, and we can be friends. Sincerely, the person with a face who publicly lives in this home."

And, while the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home did read your letter while she was going about her daily scuttling, she was appalled by your begging—or, maybe a better way to put it...amused? Hm, no, that's not right. Concerned. Yeah! That's it! And she set your fridge on fire anyway. Sorry about that, pal. It happens to us all sometimes.

Anyway, in other news, one of the newest employees at the Desert Flower Arcade and Fun Complex was seen today, walking his chihuahua sized Great Dane around the streets. He had earbuds in and was listening to a YouTube playlist called Classic Music For Those Who Want To Forget The Endless Possibilities And Impossibilities Of The Universe And It's Vast Roaring Coils. I checked it out earlier and, you know what, it's actually pretty good. Very soothing.

Now, a new segment I've come up with, just now: Advice From Cecil. First topic: how do you know if you can trust someone? This, is an impossible question. A bad question, that I came up with off the top of my head. Really, Cecil, you can do better than that...

Hmmm...Anyway, here are some questions you can ask yourself to figure out whether or not you can trust someone, even though no one and nothing is trustworthy and nothing with ever keep your secrets safe. Well, maybe if you didn't have such horrifying secrets, you wouldn't need to keep them safe! Huh, Stev—

[[ beeep beeep beeep *this broadcast has been momentarily interrupted because Cecil has gone off topic. Seriously, Cecil, oh my god.* beeep beeep beeep]]

—if they eat that stuff at all? How do they organise their bookcase? Are there any illegal books they own that aren't approved by the City Council? How many hot milk drawers do they have in their kitchen, and how hot is the milk? Do they own a spatula? Is it black, or blue? Or a some other, mystery colour unlike any seen on Earth? Are they happy? Are they aware of the listening devices mandatorily installed in their home? What about the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Theirs And Everybody Else's Homes? Do they know what an egg is? Do they believe in eggs? Do they believe in mountains? Do they think peanut butter is a type of rock, or are they just really, really wrong? Do they appreciate their municipally funded wind up clock that, really, doesn't work, so why do we get those anyway? Are they nice to the agent from the vague, yet menacing, government agency who sits, observing them at all times, in the black sedan out the front of their house? If not, are they really a good person to associate with anyway? Do they have a friendly relationship with their house spiders? How many mirrors do they own? Will they even let you count them? Or do they break into a fit whenever you mention them? If you couldn't answer all of these questions about them correctly, can you really trust them? If you don't know, maybe you should go ask them yourself.