TOXIC ME

Depression, Life of

The worst part of living with depression is having insight, living your lowest point in life fully aware. Every nerve ending alive and raw while your body is cut into a thousand pieces.
Laying in that cold, rough and uncomfortable floor knowing where you are and unable to crawl up to salvation.
You can see that streak of light, promising light and rainbows, your muddled brain imagining the warm atmosphere where your body is light and lively. The conversations you would hold, friendships you would strike and sustain and the fuzzy feelings you would spread all over .
Of course you can do all that and more while depressed. And that is the trickiest, most soul wrenching thing ever.
Being the life of the party, living your best life whilst dying inside.

A gradual descent in nothingness, depression is a parasite slowly sucking the life of the host. Most of the time hosts may maintain a semblance of normality. Society has this face they assign to depression, forlorn, Grey and devoid of life. Anything colorful and full of life is ok.

I have given selflessly, smiled the brightest whilst empty. Knowing my negative traits and my shortcomings, brought this need to self repair. Overcompensating to cancel out the negative, it is exhausting but rewarding. It becomes a routine that becomes a part of you, it is no longer exhausting and tedious. You accept it as part of your debt to society. You see, you can't bring dark clouds to a sunny paradise. You can't weigh down people floating on clouds. Fix your shit before bringing everyone down with your miserable self, is a mantra you live by.
So you learn and adapt.

Now you exist outside your body. You have this full body mask you put on and take off at appropriate times, blending in with society. Thriving and blossoming, supposedly.