Dust And Ashes || Lams Soulmate AU ||

I Want to Break Free

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My Dearest, John Laurens,
    
     What would you do if you had the chance to go back in time and change one decision? Change one thing you regret? Would you stop yourself from doing something, or would you do the exact opposite? Would you force yourself to go through with something? Would you tell that special person how you feel? I know what I would do. You probably already know what I would do, too.
     Without a doubt or second thought in my mind, I would never leave your side. I would stand by you through the good and the bad, the ups and the downs, and through thick and thin.

Great, it sounds like I'm writing wedding vows. I can't marry a dead guy.

     What I'm trying to say is that I wouldn't have abandoned you when I did, or ever, really.

     I'm sorry, I'm usually good with my words and writing them down, but I draw a blank when it comes to you. Maybe it's because you leave me speechless? Or it could be because there aren't any words that truly capture what I mean when I say I love you. The phrase has nearly lost all its meaning, so how do I express this feeling without sounding like a broken record?
     Maybe I can try this: imagine you are in a room with a bunch of other people and one puppy. That puppy then decides to sit on your lap over all the other laps in the room. Yours may not be the most comfortable lap to sit on, but the puppy chose you anyway. When that puppy sits down on your lap, you feel like you would do anything for that puppy. You would even die to make sure that puppy was always smiling and had a comfortable lap to sit on. That is how I feel about you. You are my puppy.

     I miss you.

Your soulmate, A. Ham

I set my pen down next to my letter and leaned back in my chair, lazily running my fingers though the greasy mess of hair that sat on top of my head. This was the first time I was able to get through a letter without breaking down, and I couldn't tell if I was proud of myself, or disappointed that I was maybe starting to let go. The thought alone scared me half to death. A life where John's artistically sculpted face didn't pop into my thoughts at least once a day? I could never survive without seeing those freckles, or his luscious curls that sat perfectly on his shoulders.

Since summer vacation had started, I was left alone to my thoughts more than I could handle. Yes, my parents were always there when my thoughts took over. And yeah, Peggy would stop by often, but despite having the people close to me by my side, I still felt helplessly-no, hopelessly alone.

There was a soft knock at my bedroom door, and I turned to see my dad there with a kind smile across his face. "Me and Martha are on our way out, are you sure you don't want to come with us?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. You guys can leave."

Him and my mom we're leaving town for a few days to see my grandmother, who was reaching her "last days". I had never met her before, so I didn't really see the point in going. I would have loved to meet her, but I don't want my only memories of her to be her sick and dying in bed. So, I decided it was better to stay home. Besides, I didn't want to go anywhere. I'd be lucky if I got myself out of my room to use the bathroom on some days.

My dad sighed. "You know I don't want you to stay home alone this long. We're worried about you, Alex."

"I said I'll be fine."

"Okay. Peggy already agreed to call me if you don't answer your phone, so please pick up when she calls. I don't want you to-" He stopped himself from saying it. We both knew what he meant. "Be safe. I love you."

I nodded and folded my hands on my lap. "Love you too."

"I'll see you in a few days." My dad pressed his lips into a thin line and drew his gaze to the floor. He gave me one last smile with knowing eyes, I waved, and then he turned to leave.