The history repeats itself.
To my surprise, a man in front of me breaks into tears after hearing that I'm leaving tomorrow morning with no plans to come back. Quickly sinking into a daze of intense suffering, looking around, restless from pain, struggling against the feeling and reality. "Just feel it, don't reject it" - I say, my heart hurts looking at him. Oh, I know exactly how it feels.
"You'll be fine, it's good that I'm leaving, trust me". He just nods, a tall strong man, with tears in his eyes and a napkin crunched up in his hand. My heart swells but I can't do much.
"It's better that I'm leaving, otherwise you'd be in much more pain. I'd break your heart".
I'd break your heart by sleeping with you, cuddling with you, sharing beautiful moments with my heart being somewhere else. I'd breaks your heart with replying: "I know" to your heartfelt "Je t'aime".
So it's good that it ends like this, I don't want to hurt you. I want you to forget me and find someone who would love you as much as you love them.
I look at him, looking at the night sky in pain: 'I should seriously stop playing with people, not even give a single chance if I'm not sure'.
He lets out a sob while I try to eat pizza respectfully enough to the situation and think hard about what to say to transform this pain into something useful for him.
"You are so full of love, I'm just what triggered it in you. You can love anyone, and you really should love yourself. You're an amazing human being, just enjoy life, really. You will be fine, you'll find someone else" - I say, not too sure that my message has been received, as it took me a few months of agony to realize this.
While I walk home, I think - karma is so real. It's not - do this to others and the same will happen to you, but it's a repetition of the same patterns again and again. This situation is way too similar to my recent ones for it to be a mere coincidence.
I remember, about a month or two ago, sitting in the lap of a wonderful man, holding his face in my hands and crying, crying, crying. "I love you, I really do love you, you're extremely precious. You're going to do great things and I'm extremely happy for you" - he says but I don't feel it one bit. How can you love me and leave me? Not want to be with me?
He says that he doesn't want to hurt me, that he can't fulfill my needs, that he's afraid of me suffering.
Feeling him leaving, slipping from my reach and crying, crying, crying. Crying about the future of him leaving and not coming back, while still being surrounded by his warmth and sweet smell in the present. He talks and talks for a long time, showering me with appreciation, acceptance and love. It all goes like water off a duck's back. Kissing with tears rolling down my cheeks, having sex and immediately after bursting into tears and curling into a ball of pain, listening to him putting on his clothes. He's leaving, he knows he's not the right one for me. He doesn't have enough time to walk me through the path that I should walk myself.
He once winces and closes his eyes, trying not to cry as well.
I would cry too from stupidity of this girl in his embrace. Not hearing one word of him always saying how beautiful I am, how wonderful, smart and charming. My mind barely registered him unchangingly being caring, considerate and gentle simply because it doesn't fit into my approach to myself. Instead I was hurt over small things, feeling that he is mean and insincere.
Ah, what a waste!
How wonderful, how lucky I am to meet such people! Who tell me to be myself, to step out of a cage I unnecessarily forced myself into, to ..."accept my body, my desires, my craziness, my weakness and, finally, my real power, as a woman and a human being".
Yet what I saw in him was only my own reflection - I looked into the water and blamed my reflection, barely even seeing the pure water itself.
"You are distant". Are you not the one who was distant and scared? He was always coming forward and trying to make things nice and comfortable.
"You're playing and manipulating". Isn't that what you do?
"You don't love me". Don't you remember that you never loved him until very recently? And he loves you with a lot of compassion, passion and willingness to overcome many difficulties, to teach you, to help you realize your limitations.
"You want only sex". Isn't that literally what you've done? Found the guy with the best energy and decided to sleep with him and see what happens?
"You are so emotionally unavailable". Oh, and you were available? Needing a lot of time, a truck of gentleness and a lot of persistent effort to take down your walls just a little bit? He was always open and willing to be vulnerable. He wanted love and appreciation just like you did.
"You always make me feel insecure and not good enough". It's not him, it's you. It's you. It's you, who buried yourself under self-hatred and a burden of needing to fulfill a grand mission. Of getting used to comparing yourself to a perfect image in your head and forgetting about your heart. Only focusing on where you're lacking rather what you're good and even brilliant at.
But over time it did trickle down into my heart.
Through pain: every time being hurt - coming back to the thought that before everything else I should love and respect myself. Everything else is just my reflection, I can't really see anything else.
Through songs - Love Yourself album.
Through trying to treat myself like I would treat a loved one - how drastically different it is from how I usually treat myself!
Through my mother, with tears in her eyes telling me: "You don't understand, a big heart is so rare in this world, everyone have huge heads and tiny hearts. So many people are socially successful but barely have a kind heart or peace of mind. And you're so caring, stunningly beautiful, considerate, with a big kind heart thinking you're not good enough because you're don't have enough friends or fame or money. Who are you comparing yourself to? Enlightened beings and billionaires, thinking that you should be both, and now?" No, actually, just extremely successful musicians, magical beings and incredibly disciplined and ambitious young people, that's all...
"Look at who you are now!
Look at yourself!"
So I look, with difficulty, but I look into the present moment.
And oh my god, there is so much richness, so much goodness, so much love.
YOU ARE READING
Loving yourself
Non-Fiction"You are distant". Are you not the one who was distant and scared? "You don't love me". Don't you remember that you never loved him until very recently? And he loves you with a lot of compassion, passion and willingness to overcome many difficultie...
