Xoxo Hayley

Celebration

"You've gotta stop writing letters to your dead sister babes, it's not healthy," my best friend Lani pointed out. "I can't help it. Hayls was my sister, I'm not just gonna forget about her." "and no one's asking you to forget Marnie... just maybe stop being so... depressing about it all. Hayley has been gone for 6 months, everyone's starting to move on." I ignored her for the rest of lunch, she didn't seem to mind though. I had done that a lot since we lost Hayley. I touched the choker around my neck and fiddled with the little charm, H for Hayley. She never took this off, well at least until that day.

Dear Diary,                                                                                                                          March 28, 2020

You never feared death, I envied that about you. You were our school's first suicide in 20 years. That was the headline. I almost burned down the house that morning. Paul had to hold me down while I cried. We all miss you though. Alex has been in the psych hospital on suicide watch, afraid that she would think life wasn't worth it without her twin. Did she know what you were planning? I wonder sometimes. I like to think that I would know if Kenzie or Jer or Charlie was going to do something drastic before they did it. Why didn't you tell us that you were so sad about living? Did death mean that much to you? I wish you would answer me... but then again I would be pretty concerned if you did. 

Mom told us not to visit Alex, says that she's too damaged to talk now. Says I look too much like you nowadays, especially with your choker around my neck. It's only been 6 months but it feels like a decade and a second all at the same time. I wish I hadn't been the one to find you. You ruined my world Hayley. Seeing my beloved big sister's dead body on the bathroom floor. They said that we were lucky that Alex didn't find you. Oh I know that you knew about Alex's transition... I hope you supported it. Mom and dad found out in the hospital, they're still processing it. Paul took time off uni to help mom with your... with everything. MJ and City left for Paris under extreme diress, but mom said it was for the best if they took advantage of the time they had to enjoy life. Ironic isn't it. Spencer flunked his first year of college, he moved back home and pretty much works and plays video games all day. It's been hard on Kenzie... you know how sensitive she can be... Jer and Charlie have just become so protective of everyone in the family. Zach... Zach is so mad that you left.

 I think dad might leave, he doesn't know that I see it. The look in his eyes, the one where he wants to leave this disaster behind. The love between him and mom died long ago, they stayed together for us but with you gone and Alex losing it... it's not gonna be an easy road ahead. Bethany... she doesn't get it. We told her that it was the cancer affecting your brain, that it wasn't really you doing those things. But I don't know when that lie will stop working. She was too little to face death in her own house. Just turning 9 before your funeral, and now they are preparing a memorial service at the school with some stupid park bench to commemorate the life you no longer have. I promise I'll never sit there. You didn't die to be famous, you died because you felt like you weren't meant to live. Cancer took away the feeling of being alive, you got used to the idea of dying only to have it ripped away from you. It wasn't a second chance at life, it was a cruel joke that you were forced to live through. I get it.

 That doesn't mean I don't wish you were still here. But the Hayley we knew before the cancer didn't exist anymore, and that's the Hayley you wanted to be if you got to live. Lani hates that I'm so gloomy now but i think we all lost the people we were before when we lost you. I'm not blaming you Hayls. I could never hate you. None of us could. Not even Zach, he's just young and upset that he couldn't protect you. Like he knows he can't protect Bethany forever. Liv has stopped saying your name all together, like it's some evil curse that would be unleashed if spoken aloud. Grandma Jo and Gramsie Gussie have been staying in town to help us with all the grief casserols that keep coming. Aunt Rikki and Uncle Tom split up, more like he left her and the kids. So Ross, August, and McKenna moved to the apartment complex near our house. Auntie Blake and Uncle Brian moved too, to be closer to us. Matt was mad about moving lacrosse teams but Frankie loves being by Gramsie again. Uncle Reid and Aunt Mary still live down the street with Logan, Carlee, and Gray. They come over at least 3 times a week to help mom clean the house and check in on us. Aunt Harley and Aunt Emiko are coming back from overseas to stay in US a little more permantly, which Leo, Jace, and Gabe aren't too thrilled about. Aunt Bea and the quads got evicted when she spiraled again so she's living with Gramsie now. Parker, Carter, Hunter, and Thayer are mad at her for drinking again, but then again when your niece dies... it's kinda a drinking moment. Aunt Cecelia seems to be the only one not moving back to town, she says she's settled in New York and can't risk losing the kids modeling contracts. Halston is a Calvin Klein model now, Hollis and Hollynd do mostly catalog shoots but word is that Hollynd got a contract for Gucci. 

Hollis calls in a lot though to talk about you, i seem to be the only one still okay with saying your name without crying. Your catch phrase is all over school, people write it on your locker and books. Someone spray painted it on the wall under the bleachers, it's like our united flag. The teachers don't have the heart to get rid of it. You took over the town, stickers on posts and posters in windows. "XOXO Hayley" I like seeing you defacing the city, its like you're still here. 

Your ex boyfriend Cody cries even though he was your middle school crush. Jaye spends the night a lot, I find him in your room with all your pictures on the bed, tear stains on the pillows. I voted to play LAST EXIT for your funeral, even though mom said no, we still played it for your friend-uneral that we hosted in the woods with plenty of drugs and alcohol- just how you would have liked it. In our drug induced states it was almost impossible to cry when talking about you, and just for a moment it was as if you never left. As if you never got sick in the first place. 

Jaye writes every song about you. It's really killing his career in pop music, but he'd make a great depressed indie artist. 16 years wasn't enough but I suppose it was for you. Luce and Adrian miss you, they don't talk to me anymore though. Luce said she would name her first child after you. Which might be sooner than she thought, she's been spending a lot of time with Logan (our cousin ew i know). But at least Logan would be okay with that. You're still my hero, alive or not. Til next time...

Xoxo, Marnie