Fade

Fade - Chapter 16

The roses are dying along the path as they walk, the smell of flowers invades their senses, though the blackened petals are falling from their stems now. And everything is being slowly buried by the resting snow.

"Sebastian, do you think that I could be worthy enough to go to heaven?"

"Whatever do you mean by that?"

"I mean do you think that, if perhaps I was an angel, I could be worthy enough to go to heaven instead of hell?"

"Before I answer honestly, why are you thinking of such things?"

"I was thinking about what you told me... about that woman, Abigail. And I've been pondering the thought that we were both just a choice away from never meeting one another. I could have died in that cage alone, and nobody would've rescued me. Do you think then, if nobody had come, I'd have gone to heaven?"

Sebastian stops walking to stare at the cloudy sky, his eyes reflecting the white and grey hues that swirl in mystical patterns upon his face.

"Yes, I think you would've. If your soul was worthy of being taken, don't you think it is worthy of pleasure as much as pain?"

Ciel nods.

"I suppose that makes sense."

His fate has been forged, and set in iron bars. His childhood is over now... there are no more mother goose rhymes when one is a creature of hell. And though this thought rings as true as a church bell, Sebastian makes his days seem as though they are in heaven.

"I think you would be, too."

Ciel turns to look at him.

"Oh no,"

Sebastian replies,

"I would never be worthy of such glory."

Ciel had never heard the man speak of himself in this way before; his tone demeaning and disgusted.

"Well why not, then?"

"A very long time ago I did something that I will always regret."

Ciel gazes up at the man curiously, his deep blue eye sparkling alongside the glowing violet of it's counterpart.

"Whatever do you mean?"

Sebastian sighs deeply, his chest feeling as though it is constricting to the point of asphyxiation.

"I once made a contract with a little girl named Julianna Brown. She was a sweet little thing... always full of energy. She called on me after she was being teased by playmates... really a foolish thing to trade your soul for; but who am I to argue? A hungry demon in the eighteenth century. You see, she called on me by accident, poor thing was so sensitive."

Sebastian's face grew saddened... an expression Ciel had never seen him display in such depth before.

"But before her, the caliber of souls I consumed was full of the scum of the earth; no one had even come close to the kindness and love she displayed. At the time, I was disgusted by it."

He looks down at his feet, running a hand through his disheveled hair.

"Her wish was to change the hearts of her bullies for the better, which was a complicated task for me. Yet I still followed through, nonetheless. So when I had changed shape enough times, and was sure the children understood, I was famished."

He pinches the bridge of his nose, as though he is trying to rid a headache that has been there for centuries.

"The last thing that child ever did, was to thank me. She was so polite, though I could hear her little heart pounding. Then she leaned up to plant her little lips upon my cheek. But it was too late."

He shakes his head then, his face contorting into an expression of pain, sadness and guilt that alarms Ciel in it's rarity. Ciel is taken aback by the disturbance, but his instinctual care leads him to wrap his arms around Sebastian, pulling him close as Sebastian embraces him in return.

The warmth of Sebastian's body lulls Ciel into relaxation, his energy one of charity and understanding. Sebastian's breath is shallow, as though he is trying to hold back the strength of an army that has awoken in his chest.

"I can still feel her inside of me."

Sebastian whispers, burying his face in Ciel's cerulean locks.

"It's okay... you can talk to me."

Ciel coaxes back, his soft words floating their way into Sebastian's eardrum, causing his muscles to relax under Ciel's warm touch.

"She feels..."

He starts, taking a deep and shuddering breath.

"light. But she makes me feel heavy... like there's a rock in my chest."

His voice becomes weakened with emotion as his breath tickles Ciel's hair, sending it swirling around in whisks of grey and blue

"Don't be afraid. Tell me how you feel."

Ciel's voice is as comforting as anything, his vocal chords matching the tone of the wind in the trees.

"I feel... sad. And guilty. I feel regret and pain. I feel incompetent and naive. I feel that even though it's been two hundred years, there is still something missing from the world."

Sebastian's deep red eyes are closed as he speaks, his voice churning in Ciel's head as though he's never heard speech before.

"Though there is always something missing. The world is a terrible place, Ciel. In the end I was the barrier that prevented Julianna from reaching heaven, and I suppose that I have always been damned to do so; to forever search for something that can fill my hunger... dragging innocent beings down with me."

Ciel pulls away slightly, cupping Sebastian's cold face in his hands. Their eyes entangle in a mess of emotions, clashing like the waves of the infamous sea.

"I'm sorry. As much as I have tried to save the ones I have learned love, I've dragged you down with me, too"

Sebastian's tone is filled with sorrow, his deep voice echoing along the walls of the past, bouncing back to shatter into him in an icy crash of words.

"No, no. Please don't say that. Please."

Ciel says, bringing his head closer to Sebastian's.

"Please."

Sebastian nods, resting his forehead to Ciel's. Sebastian inhales deeply, the smell of Ciel calming his quivering nerves. He smells of honey and pine trees... hints of old fabric and flowers... he smells something a lot like spring

"Pain changes people's minds... but we all have our stories we don't usually tell."

"Pain has never changed my mind about you."

Sebastian smiles sadly, gripping the boy's small waist.

"Thank you, Ciel."