deleted drafts of poetry

you.

you.

words can not express the feeling in my gut telling me something wasn't right, or the magnitude of the emptiness i feel looking back on what exactly went wrong.
i can not effectively put into words how entirely divided i feel, as a soul and moreover as a being.
words cannot describe the amount of times i have laid here, wondering what went wrong and more importantly what could have gone right. if there was anything more to say that might have made the difference between staying together for more than a week or engaging in the same blatantly redundant cycle of self destruction on my end.
words cannot express this enough because there are more than words. more than emotion.
stripped down to my core i am left as exactly who you shaped me into for your benefit, the same person, just without you here to occupy a vacant space.
and although the better halves of my being wish to scream at you, blame you, and moreover hate you, half of me wants you in your entirety.
i don't know how to feel attraction to passerby's crossing my path. i'm unsure of how to form a connection with anyone. i'm not the type of person to freely move from individual to individual.
i've tried having experiences with others but all i know is how it feels to be with you.
you.
you are the standard to which i hold everyone else to. i am a junkie, you are the drug that has, up until now been injected precisely into my veins. everybody else is a placebo.
when i think of what love is i think of you. i simply can't help but to imagine a time where i could hold you in my arms, touch your hair, kiss your lips and look into your sea green eyes.
and i fucking hate thinking about you this way, because the other halves of me are screaming otherwise.
when i stare, vacant, off into the distance i'm thinking of you. i'm thinking of how badly it fucked me up.
when you left, i waited.
i fucking waited.
i wouldn't have waited if i didn't know in my heart that you were what i wanted.
maybe i would have been more hesitant going forward if i knew this would be the end goal.
but i shouldn't have waited. you were right when you said it wouldn't work. not because i wasn't willing to make it work, but because in the end, what power do wants and needs hold over the course of two peoples separate lives?