Conflict of the Heart

Conflict of the Heart Part 1

Ruby heard lots of laughter and cracking jokes from the other room. Typical of this group. She could hear from a distance that Jin made yet another dad joke, and the others were giving him hell for it. She wished she could laugh along. Instead she sat in a swarm of anger and hurt as she looked at her phone. Not one message, not one text, nothing. Yoongi didn't even show up for lunch, even though she was certain he knew she and Jenna would be by to deliver it today. They had been making a habit of helping out as much as they could on their off time, since the boys were so busy with their debut.

She thought back to the time when Yoongi asked her out. It all seemed so strange now. She and Namjoon had been together for almost a year, when he suddenly broke it off. It was too good to be true, she knew that from the start (I mean, dating an international star isn't something for just your run-of-the-mill gal). He was kind about it, and he let her down easy, but it still stung. After a few months of trying not to sulk but still probably sulking everywhere, she began to get closer to Yoongi. He just always seemed to be around. So when he casually said to her that they were dating, seeing as they were together all the time anyway, she had no reason to say no. Except, in the back of her mind she felt a little foolish. What was her plan? Just jump from member to member until they all had broken her heart?

But at this point of her life, right now, Yoongi made her smile when very few other things did. That warmed her heart a lot, so, dating? Why not? It seemed to make sense. But all of that logic went right out the window when she checked her phone for the thousandth time that day and still saw nothing. Were they even still technically dating if they hadn't spoken in a week? He was most certainly alive unless South Korea was planning a massive scandal and cover-up. But she could be dead for all he knew and he wouldn't have any idea. This line of thinking just kept taking her to darker and darker places until she threw her phone across the room and did everything in her power not to cry as hugged her knees in close.

She heard the sound of the rest of the crew packing up to get back to their dance rehearsal, so she decided it would be a great distraction to join Jenna and help clean up. She said her goodbyes to Jin, Jimin, Jungkook, and Hoseok as they made their way out of the break room. Namjoon had stayed back to help.

"Hey, don't worry about it. We can get this. You go on and get back to rehearsal." Ruby insisted, taking some of the wrappers and cups from his hands but being careful not to make eye contact. She had already been on the verge of tears, no need to add insult to injury. He let her take them but hung back. "Really, it's ok. Jenna and I can handle this." She stood to meet his gaze. It was cold and expectant, like there was something he was wishing she would say.

"Here, I'll take that." Sensing the tension in the air, Jenna stepped in to grab the trash from Ruby's hands. She moved to the other room, just far enough away to be out of sight, but certainly still within ear shot, just in case she needed to tell someone off for hurting her friend...again!

"Are you ok?" His voice felt soft, like a warm hug. She hadn't realized how much she missed it until this moment. Or maybe she was just that lonely. She wasn't sure. Either way, she felt shaken and had to break eye contact to regain her composure.

"What do you mean? I'm fine. I'm just glad everyone got something to eat. You guys are working so hard. I mean, I should be the one asking you, really." She tried to busy herself with something and found a napkin to wipe down the nearest table.

"Not everyone got something to eat." They both looked to the extra serving of fried chicken that sat on the buffet table.

"Well that's none of my business, so I'm not sure what you mean."

"I think you know exactly what I mean, Ruby." Her name on his lips sent a chill down her spine. It wasn't fair that he could be so caring and kind. They had broken their relationship off peacefully but it certainly would be easier to hate him. Perhaps then she could more easily pretend she didn't still have feelings for him. It wasn't fair to her, and it wasn't fair to Yoongi either.

All she could do for several minutes was sigh, but Namjoon was patient and she finally relented. "Listen, I don't know why he's ignoring me. Maybe he's mad at me. Maybe I did something to make him upset. He's usually so straight forward that if that was the case he'd tell me. I don't know. All I know is I've tried to get in touch with him for days now and I've gotten nothing in return. There. Are you happy now?" She tried to breathe deeply without a shake in her voice. She couldn't start crying now, it would be too much.

"Do you want me to talk to him? He's been at rehearsal. He's been the same old Yoongi for us. I can't help you in terms of why he's doing this, but I can tell you he's safe and healthy."

She thought to herself that that information almost made it worse, but she was grateful for the effort so instead she said, "Thanks. That helps. Just make sure he eats his lunch I guess."

"I can do that."

There was an awkward pause. Without much of a clue how to get herself out of the conversation she decided to bring the attention back to him. She was feeling way too vulnerable anyway. "So you guys have been working a ton. Day and night. How are you doing?"

"Well, we've been under a lot of pressure. Our last album was such a hit that now we have to try to top it." Moving some containers and napkins, Namjoon laid his tall frame out on four foot-stools that had all been pushed together to serve as an eating table.

Without even thinking, Ruby instinctually took her hands to his temples and began to rub them lightly—something she used to do when they were together. As she became more aware of what she was doing she paused, but kept going trying not to let him feel her sudden shock at herself. Surely this wasn't something that a friend couldn't do for a friend. She didn't think she was breaking any relationship rules. And anyway, she had just been considering sending a break up text not two hours ago, so she figured she was free to do what she wanted. Either way, she would wait to see Namjoon's response before she changed anything.

"You're hands are still cold as ever. Some things never change." His eyes were closed and his speech was soft and low, as though he were falling asleep.

"Have you been sleeping well?" Ruby showed some genuine concern. When they got really busy he took on most of the work to spare his fellow members. She was certain that was the case this time around too, though he hadn't mentioned it.

He hesitated, but then gave a low short laugh. "I guess there's no fooling you, huh?" He opened one eye and arched his eyebrow, looking up at her. Forgetting herself and the past she smiled back.

"Well it is you we're talking about here."

He closed his eyes again. "I would say I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in probably, oh, I don't know, maybe a year."

A year!? That was the amount of time since they had been together. Ruby wasn't sure if he was trying to some kind of a signal, but she became rigid. He knew full well that she and Yoongi were together. And he even, in a weird sort of way, gave them his blessing. Was this some kind of trap?

Ruby must have been lost down that rabbit-hole of thought because before she knew it she noticed his breathing getting deeper and slower. "Namjoon?" She called to him softly to see if he'd respond. Nothing. "Namjoon?" She called a little louder.

Feeling a little devilish, and taking a quick look around the room to make sure she was alone, Ruby took this opportunity to just look into his face, something she hadn't done since they had ended things. She was overcome with how peaceful he looked and couldn't help but reach her hand out to stroke his cheek.

It was after her third pass over his face that his arms suddenly reached up and grabbed hers, pulling her towards him. In her panic she thought of Yoongi and tried to dodge their faces coming together as best she could. The seconds stretched on as though time was slowed. She was torn. She wanted so much to kiss the lips she had missed, but she also, despite everything, knew she couldn't hurt Yoongi in that way, as cruel as he was being to her right now.

In a near miss, Ruby pulled her face back and landed a kiss right on his forehead before standing up and releasing herself from his grip.

Namjoon chuckled to himself. "Nice move. Sorry, I kinda lost myself there for a second."

Ruby laughed nervously. "Yeah, well. I guess it's easy to just get caught up in the moment." She sat down facing the door and turned from Namjoon as he stood up, stretching. She tried with every fiber of her being not to admire his frame from the corner of her eye, and failed miserably.

To try to cover her blush she stammered, "I-I guess you haven't been sleeping well, have you? That, that must have been a good ten-or-fifteen minute nap for you just now."

He stood straight up and looked directly into Ruby's eyes. He stood for moments that got more and more heated as she tried to avoid his gaze. "Look at me, Ruby."

Damn. Her name. Why did its presence on his lips always make her weak? She turned to face him trying to gain as much composure as she could. "Yes?"

"I was wrong. I should never have let you go. I want you to know that." The space underneath Ruby seemed to slip away, she felt frozen in space, hovering. Surely, this was a dream. Not real. It didn't feel real. After a beat he continued, "I miss you."

Suddenly a loud crash came from the next room, in a corner just out of sight. It grabbed Ruby's attention, but Namjoon's eyes remained fixed on her.

"Sorry! I'm fine! It's fine! Don't mind me!" Jenna shouted from the other room, seeming oddly out of breath. Ruby had a feeling she knew exactly what was going through her mind, but they would have to discuss that later.

She turned her attention back to the subject matter with a smile on her face now, glad to have had the distraction, because it gave her time to think how to respond. Unfortunately, she was still at a loss. She let out a sigh.

"I don't know what to say."

"I wouldn't expect you to say anything. I think Yoongi knows I feel this way. We haven't really...talked...about it per say, but I don't think you need to talk about it to know."

"So is that why he's ignoring me?"

"Sorry, I don't know. I noticed he wasn't meeting up with you when you were here, and he wasn't on his phone as much this past week. I took advantage of the opportunity, but I can't know what he's thinking."

"Oh." It's all she could think to say. What could she say? To reciprocate his feelings would also be a betrayal to one of his closest friends. But to deny her feelings for him would be a lie. So "oh" was where it stood.

He moved to grab his phone and wallet and made his way to the door for his shoes. "I hope I haven't caused any more damage. I seem to just be making a mess of things. I just want you to know that I care about you. That's all." He looked down contemplatively. "And you can talk to me, if you need to. If something's bothering you, you should talk about it. Don't just mope in a room by yourself next time."

Ruby hung her head, blushing. Had he been keeping an eye on her this whole time? "Thank you, Namjoon." She said softly, almost hoping he hadn't heard.

He turned toward the door, "Any time. I mean that. You have my number."

After the door shut Ruby heard Jenna before she looked up to see her. "OHMYGAWDHESTILLLOVESYOUIKNEWIT!!!" She shouted in a whisper both as loud and as quiet as she could be considering the circumstances. Heaven forbid one of them walk in unexpectedly.

Jenna took her by the shoulders and shook her lightly. "I knew it!! I saw the way he has been looking at you lately! I think he has never stopped loving you!!"

Ruby couldn't help but smile at Jenna's enthusiasm. She had a way of making everything better at just the right time and now instead of crying out of confusion she started laughing almost hysterically.

"So what do you think you'll do?" Was the next thing out of Jenna's mouth, after they had a good laugh together.

"I don't know." Was all she could say. "You know, as well as I do that I still have feelings for Namjoon. A LOT of feelings. Like. All of the feelings."

"Yeah, that's been obvious for a while. But what about Yoongi?"

"Well I don't know. I have feelings for him too. It's weird. Is that possible?"

"Girl. We both know that's possible. I may have Jungkook now, but who knows? Maybe tomorrow it'll be Jimin? And next month, Hoseok! A girl can love many men."

The two laughed again. Ivy had been with Jungkook for quite some time now. It started as a secret from everyone (except her) until they were caught making eyes at each other one too many times. Still, as much as she joked, she was familiar with this kind of drama, and even warned Ruby against it before she decided to get together with Yoongi. Jungkook wasn't the only one with eyes for Jenna.

Their laugh tapered down. "Yeah, my feelings for them are different though, y'know? Like. They both make me happy in different ways. I don't know."

"Yeah, that makes sense. I mean, ultimately, only you know what is best for you. No one is pressuring you to do anything right now, at least. So it seems you'll have time to work it out." Jenna gave Ruby's back a reassuring rub. "I know you'll make the best choice for you. And hey, if all else fails, Hoseok is still available, so worst case scenario, you can ditch both for him. I hear he's a great kisser." Jenna jokingly nudged Ruby with her elbow and accepted her light punch in return.

"You're awful." Ruby laughed.

"Oh, you're just as bad and you know it."

"True."

The two laughed as they continued tidying up the common area.