Just Think Happy Thoughts

The hardest part of this

~Gerard's pov~

It was fucking freezing.

The walk to the cemetery was never a very scenic one, but today it couldn't look any more grey. There were puddles lining the pavement, soaking into my socks and making every step highly uncomfortable. The trees looked like shivering skeletons, broken and twisted, weaved in amongst the iron railing of the path.

I sighed, I felt like this kind of day warranted that kind of a response. But I didn't really feel annoyed. I didn't really feel anything, anymore.

It was as if someone flicked a switch in my brain without me knowing. Suddenly, hanging out with my friends didn't make me laugh. To be fair our conversations were normally filled with stupid jokes and taking the piss out of the jocks, but it wasn't entertaining anymore. Even when Ray spoke, I just wanted poke his fro and tell him to shut up, that's how I knew something was wrong.

It didn't happen gradually either. I woke up a month ago, on the 22nd of March, and everything was numb. I used to joke that I didn't feel things; I was too emo that I'd just fall apart. But I never though that even fucking coffee would make me feel this apathetic.
At first it was okay, I mean it was a bit of a shock but I could deal with it, I thought it would go with time. But now I can't see that happening. And I don't know what the point is anymore.

Which is the whole reason I'm now walking through these empty streets with a hollow heart. I need to ask Helena what she would do. Because I don't think I can carry on like this.

I got to the cemetery gates and slinked through, catching my jacket on the metal and ripping it slightly, leaving a sizeable gash in the fabric.

Today was not my day.

As I walked closer to her grave I could feel tears start to prick the back of my eyes. It had only been 3 months and it has not gotten any easier. My legs shook a little due to the cold and a little due to the sadness coursing through my veins. The rain fell heavier and my hair was dripping onto my face, making me shiver even harder.

Finally my feet led me to the gravestone. It was dark grey, almost black, with little red roses etched round the edge. When she was laying in the hospital, she asked me to draw out some designs, she wanted to have a beautiful gravestone and she was always saying how I was the best artist she knew. One of the only ones she knew aswell but I took the compliment.

I knelt down, no caring that the knees of my jeans were covered in mud, rain and grass stains. I let my tears fall and I felt pain radiate throughout my body.
But I still couldn't feel anything apart from this sadness, this emptiness that seemed to engulf me and leave no trace of anything else.

"Grandma help me" I shuddered,

"Please just let me feel something, I can't do this, I'm going to stop this but I dont know how, I'm going to do something bad, I can feel it"

I whispered the end bit because I knew if she were alive she would grab my shoulders and shake some sense into me. But I didn't care anymore. If this was how I was going to go the so be it. I shivered slightly under my breath, dying in a cemetery, what a fucking great way to go. Old me would have been in stitches at this, would have said
"Get the fuck up Gerard you emo idiot, go and find Mikes and get a coffee and play some D&D".

Mikes...
Oh.
Could I really do this to him? Would anyone even notice? Would anyone care? Maybe I am just a burden now. He has come up to me a lot over the past month, he knows something is up but I couldn't talk to him about it. My lips just couldn't make the sounds that my brain wanted. I could tell he was getting frustrated, he just wants to help. But maybe he won't have to worry about that anymore.

I sigh again and lay down next to her grave. My whole body is soaked as if I had just been taken in by the ocean and spat back out. I am exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally. I close my eyes, the cold seeping into my every pore. Maybe it's better this way. I feel myself drifting out of consciousness, slowly losing my grip on the world, like I was finally about to be free.

This was it.
This could be my purpose.

As I felt myself drift away, I swore I could feel a hand on my shoulder, an arm under my legs sweeping me up. I tried to open my mouth, to tell them to leave me alone. But it was too late, everything went black.