Chambers of the Heart // Jake Kiszka

VIII

Warnings: mentions of drinking & smoking; infidelity; PG-13 content

—-

I knew from Josh that Jake wasn't working so, in an effort to find a book on geodes after staring at pictures of various rocks, stones and geodes while stoned with Josh the other night, I went to the library. I hadn't been in a long time but it always felt familiar–the entrance was like a gateway into high school memories, when Josh would be way too loud and I wouldn't be able to stop laughing at his antics. Jake, however, would often slink away to go be with the actual books. It was no wonder he ended up working there.

The smell of the lobby–like stale popcorn and those big, blue plastic mats we used to use in gym class–sent me back in time. I caught a glimpse of some senior citizens in the adjacent room doing some sort of yoga; a group of teenagers were sitting in the windowed corner of the lobby, huddled over their phones and books alike. The multicolored array of pamphlets and local magazines and papers caught my attention as I entered the center of the library, then the bulletin board above it.

Sometimes I forgot I was part of a community. I wondered what secrets and sources Jake had learned from working there. Perhaps he was more involved in the world than I had ever thought.

Apparently my memory of the map of the library had wavered with time and having to truly navigate the shelves of books was a bit of an adventure in and of itself. Eventually I made my way to the right section and then the right row, crouching down to peer over the books about rocks, minerals and geodes alike. I wasn't expecting much. I'd take a book on igneous rocks if it meant I would distract myself with some pretty pictures and maybe even learn something new.

I felt vulnerable, crouching between the shelves and descending upon the scent of old carpeting and dust. I knew on some level I wanted to run into Jake even though I knew he wasn't there. It was like being in his territory–his hands had graced the spines of all these books; his boots had stepped carefully and quietly over that same carpet; he'd left his scent all over the place and I was there trying to get a whiff of it.

I also knew that on some level I was there to run into Lily. It was going to be a blow to my self-esteem if I saw her but I still knew I probably would, and hoped for it too. That much I couldn't explain though.

It did happen as I was leaving, the book of gems and a book on carnivorous plants cradled in my arm. I was just exiting the library, just about to head to the doors of the lobby to step back out into the cool early evening air, when I heard my name being called.

I stopped at the glass doors. I asked for this. But Lily looked so eager to be seeing me there, all while the remnants of her boyfriend's hickeys lingered under my shirt.

"What's up?" I chirped as she approached. It hurt too because she was pretty. Really pretty. Which made sense–Jake was pretty, too.

"I was just reading that book the Rainbow Fish to my kids," Lily said, leaning against the wall next to me. She gestured to the books under my arm. "What'd you get?"

"Oh–a book on gemstones," I said, lifting them up to look them over again. "And carnivorous plants."

"Interesting," she replied with a slight raise of her eyebrows.

"Maybe. Although I think I might rather read the Rainbow Fish, actually," I said, feeling my face flush with nervousness. I paused, shifting a little where I stood, physically uncomfortable by the whole interaction while knowing I had willed it into happening. "How many kids did you read to?"

"I have six in the afternoon group. They're kinda tiring." Lily paused, crossing her arms over her chest and sighing. "Were you here to see Jake?"

The question caught me entirely off-guard. Did it look like I was there to see Jake, despite two books under my arm? Was it that obvious? In my two second blip of hesitation, I thought of the night at the bar, when I had followed him outside; then the evening we were all filming together, when he followed me into the woods. Of course it looked mildly suspicious, especially from the perspective of a new girlfriend.