no shame → l.h ⋆ a.i

nine

opening his eyes made ashton want to die. he stares up at the ceiling, a headache quickly forming behind his eyeballs as he thinks about the fact that he's about to lose luke again. he rolls over, only to find luke's side of the best empty, and he briefly panics out of fear that luke was already gone.

the smell of coffee coming from down the hall calms him though, and he quickly hops up, throwing one of luke's shirts on and shuffling through the hall and into the kitchen. "morning." luke smiles softly as ashton walks up to him. "sleep okay?"

ashton sighs as he makes his own coffee. "totally." he mutters, and luke's brows furrow as he grows confused as to why ashton's being passive. it's because he's skipping the country in a few years, luke remembers not long after.

"you packed a bag but you haven't told me yes or no." luke says quietly after a while. "so i don't really know what your decision is here." he swallows, glancing up to ashton, who sits across the table from luke, and back down at the table.

ashton rubs his eyes. "i told calum i wouldn't go." he states. "i packed a bag because i didn't know how i'd feel about it." he shrugs, before taking a sip of his coffee.

luke raises an eyebrow. "and how did you feel?" he questions ashton, and ashton just looks away. ashton wants to say he felt bad, that he knew he wasn't supposed to go with luke, but he can't tell him that. he can't tell him how badly he wants to go with luke.

"i don't know what to do." ashton says as he drops his head into his hands. "i'm so fucked either way." he wants to curl up under his blankets and never come back out, but he knows he can't really live like that. more than anything, ashton really just wants to know how the hell his life got so complicated.

"bet you wish i'd stayed dead." luke scoffs as tears well up in his eyes. he was joking, but part of him actually believed everyone would be better off that way- part of the reason he faked his death. "is calum coming over?"

"i'm glad you're alive, lu." ashton says softly as he looks up to luke. "uh, i think- i think he'll be over soon. i don't know."

luke nods, and neither man says anything as they sit and drink their coffee. luke wants to reach across the table and take ashton's hand, but it feels like an action he's not allowed to partake in anymore. likewise, ashton wants drag luke over to the couch and hide under a blanket with him, but he knows if he does that, he'll one-hundred percent leave with the man.

"what time do you have to leave?" ashton asks after a while. he doesn't really want to know, if he's being honest. he thinks he would have rather luke left before ashton woke up, but he also knows he would be endlessly pissed at him if he did that.

luke shrugs. "two. we've got time." we. ashton doesn't know how to respond to luke's statement. "um, if you want me to go sooner though-"

"are you fucking stupid?" ashton wants to yell out at luke. "no, i don't want you to leave earlier. i don't want you to leave, period. do you ever think before you do things?"

ashton wraps his arm's around luke's neck. "part of me wants to just choke you out right now because you're an idiot," he half-smiles. "can i just kiss you though?"

luke laughs as he nods. he gently places his hands on the side's of ashton's neck and presses their lips together. once luke pulls away, he tucks a loose lock of ashton's absolutely unkempt hair behind his ear. "you're so beautiful." he smiles softly.

     ashton looks down as he blushes. he wants more than anything to leave with luke and start a new life with him. they could get a little place outside the city and he could listen to the bird every morning as luke made breakfast. they could sit by a window together and watch the rain pour softly as they listen to love songs.

     they could do all the things ashton could only fantasize about thus far, as their relationship was always an affair. it was always between the sheets and never went past that. they could be so much more though, ashton thinks, but he knew he had an obligation to stay. luke was a love he could never have.