I THINK I'M OKAY.

- and you're lost.

why does it come
out of nowhere?
you ask yourself
right before you walk
into the kitchen,
hoping that your mother
got some cigarettes
around there,
you don't want to light
them
you just want to feel
a bit more in control,
a bit more powerful,
but instead of cigarettes
you find condoms
which makes you think
about whether your mother's
still sleeping with your dad
or cheating on him,
but you can't think about it
any longer because
you need to do something
against this feeling
that's overcoming you
like a wave
so you save that to overthink
it in the evening
and search for something else,
something helpful,
something to take away the pain.
your hands are flying
over the knives,
but you can't bring yourself
to use them
because
no matter how much it hurts,
you don't want to hurt others
so you leave the knives
where they are,
still thinking
do something do something
do something do something
over and over and over
and over
you feel as if you're choking
and there's no one around
to make that feeling go away
it's an avalanche and
you're going under
slowly, step
by step
by