Seven Deadly Sins

Introduction

        I didn't want to do this anymore.

        I didn't want to go on without my best friend, he was practically my brother and I was lost when he left for even a minute, how can I live with him being gone forever?

        I should probably back up a little and explain the situation; I know how confusing it must seem without knowing what's going on.

        My name is Matthew Charles Sanders, otherwise known as M. Shadows of Avenged Sevenfold. If you're a Deathbat, you know good and well we had lost the glue that kept our band and friendships together for over 18 years. His name was James Owen Sullivan; most of you knew him as The Rev, as it was easier to say than his full stagename, The Reverend Tholomeu Plague. He was probably the greatest man I've ever known, and he lived a full one hundred years in the twenty eight that he was on this giant sphere called Earth.

        Jimmy never really liked to talk about his problems, and when he did, it was a general description of what was going on. 'Just having a bad day,' he'd say, and continue to slay his drum solos as we recorded our albums. His bad days were mostly caused by his enlarged heart. Great men always have a bane, and Jimmy's was his own heart. From what I understood, it was extremely painful to him and seemingly unbearable at times. One night, he decided to just.. End it.

        'See you some other time, man,' He had told me instead of, 'See you tomorrow!' and God, do I wish I had thought more about his wording. Maybe I could have done something differently to prevent this whole thing.

        Brian (whom you probably know as Synyster Gates) was almost as torn up as I was. He lost weight. He stopped smiling. He didn't speak for months, almost a year. He couldn't play his guitar solos like he used to be able to. He was sluggish, malnourished, depressed; hell, we all were. Johnny cried a lot. There were times when he would wake me up in the middle of the night with his frantic little sleeping sobs, crying out things like, 'Jimmy!' and 'Please don't go!' It destroyed me to know that my band members, my brothers, my best friends were falling apart at the seams, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

        Zacky was probably the most stable of the group at the time, though he had his moments where everything seemed to just bury him alive. He started to get bags underneath his usually bright and lively eyes, and I could tell that he was trying so hard to keep us all together, and.. Well, alive, basically.

        People reached out to us, tried to let us know that they were here for us whenever we needed them. My girlfriend and I ended up breaking up during the mourning time of Jimmy. I wasn't able to handle a relationship and the grief of Jimmy's passing at the same time, and she understood that. After everything settled down, though, I found out she had found someone new; I wasn't angry, I was happy for her, being able to cope with it and everything. She was just as close to Jimmy as everyone else was.

        Just a few weeks later, I found out that Paul Gray of SlipKnoT had also passed away, in virtually the same way that Jimmy had. I grieved for them, because Corey Taylor (their frontman) had texted me after Jimmy's passing and said something along the lines of, 'I can't begin to imagine what you're feeling. I'm sorry.' and I never replied to it. Hell, for a month or two I didn't turn my computer on, I didn't answer my phone, I was barely able to bring myself to sing on stage. God knows that first concert with Jimmy was the hardest one.

        Jimmy had left us a sort of 'goodbye' letter the night that he passed. It was a song called Fiction. He had recorded himself singing, playing the instruments and everything, and left it in a place on the computer where he knew I would find it the next time I went into the studio. It was probably three weeks before we even had the courage to unlock the doors. As soon as the song started playing, the hairs on my arms raised, my eyes swelled with tears and my heart shattered.

        We got the blessing from Jimmy's parents to continue with the record, and for the rest of the recording, we called on one of his biggest inspirations; Mike Portnoy of Dream Theater. He agreed to fill the part, seeing as he had a soft spot for Jimmy's drumming style. Pretty much everyone did. He became our tour drummer for a while, but soon enough, we found a brave kid to take the place. That's when Arin Ilejay came into the picture. The kid's got chops. He's got the throne, but he won't ever take the crown, let me say that.

        We eventually got our smiles back, but something felt wrong for me. I felt empty, and I think it was then that I started to realize that my feelings for Jimmy ran a little deeper than friendship. I lost my chance. I stayed in bed for days after that sudden realization. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn't tell him about it anymore, I couldn't tell the other guys, and I sure as hell couldn't tell myself. I told myself that I was just hurt from him being gone and that I was fabricating things because of my feelings, but deep down, I knew it was so much more than that.

        I eventually told Brian about how I felt, and he sympathized with me. He didn't judge me like I thought he would, and he even swore to keep it from the other guys until I was ready to come out with it. But I don't think I'll ever be ready. I'll probably just make them read this so I don't have to physically speak the words, "I was in love with Jimmy,"  because to be honest, I wouldn't be able to; I'd choke up and sob halfway through the word love. That word hurts to say anymore. I'm not sure what love even means. Okay, scratch that. I know exactly what love means; it's when, at 3 am, you're sitting at the table with your best friend, taking fireball shots and spewing them out of your noses at each other, then not getting pissed.

        I was in love with Jimmy, and I think to some degree, I always will be.

        I'm M. Shadows of Avenged Sevenfold, and this is how I commited Seven Deadly Sins.