𝐌𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐂𝐈𝐎𝐔𝐒 (𝟏𝟖+)

16. CULPABILITY - ✭LUKE✭

I'd been standing in the middle of the bedroom having a bit of an existential crisis when I'd heard a low knock on the door. When I'd turned around angrily expecting to see Mal I'd been met with a much larger, tattooed male, specifically the one who'd kissed me last night. I'd glared at him asking what he'd wanted but he'd just stared at me with a look I couldn't decipher.

It was odd just standing there staring at each other momentarily. It was just me and the other man Mal was in love with, who apparently had a bit of a thing for me too. He was strong, muscular, covered in ink, completely different than any of the men in my world. All of those men were much like myself, arrogant businessmen who'd been handed their life on a silver platter but that was certainly not Denver. 

No, Denver reminded me of Mal. That realization is what freaked me out the most. His personality, his dominant demeanor, the I don't give a single fuck attitude screamed Malyssa, the love of my life. Even their hair was both dark, their skin a beautiful shade of olive, though his was just a touch darker than hers. They were like a real-life incubus and succubus together.

When I was around Mal that tendency to want to be with her felt completely natural. I'd known her forever, she was my first of everything. So, being sexually attracted to Mal just came naturally to me, it was normal. My reaction to Denver kissing me last night, not so much.

The way he was looking at me right now made me feel things that I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to feel lust towards a man, I never had in my life. Feeling that would be unnatural, is unnatural. It's not normal to want to be with another man if you are one, at least that was what my family had drilled into my skull my entire life.

Just enjoying all of the things that I did with Mal caused me so much pleasure at first and then that would inevitably settle into anxiety. She never judged me and I never did her. We were open to trying everything in the bedroom but when it became really kinky I started to feel a repressed guilt. A guilt for trying new things, for being the exact opposite of vanilla.

When she'd left I'd felt it even more so. I felt like I was the reason she'd left. I wasn't man enough for her. I was too submissive. She was uncomfortable with me in the bedroom. I don't know. I knew I just must have done something so wrong to deserve her harsh words. To deserve her leaving me and quite literally grabbing our relationship from around my neck and tossing it in front of me like it had meant nothing. It meant I must've done something, something wrong.

When she'd told me why she'd actually left I felt the entire weight of all that guilt taken off my shoulders. I'd flung those words back at Denver carelessly I didn't think I'd see the utter hurt all over his face. I knew in that moment he loved her, really loved her. Looking back at her I knew it was the same for her. So I'd said the words out loud, things she didn't want to admit.

She'd done the same thing to me last night when she'd come upstairs. You liked it! She'd said the words excitedly but I felt anything but excited. I felt disgusted with myself. I shouldn't feel those things. I'm a Warner for Christ's sake. Feeling things for a man is a sin. Being sexually deviant is a sin. I'm not allowed to feel the things that I knew I was most definitely feeling.

"Get out of your head." He'd said the words to me after a while. I had just stared at him blankly, hoping he couldn't read me. "I know you're feeling a bit uncomfortable."

"You don't know anything about how I'm feeling." His eyes had darkened, an almost angry look on his face in that moment.

"I've been with Mal for six months and only came out to her after meeting you. Don't tell me I don't know what it's like to feel ashamed of something you have no control over." He'd run his hand through his styled dark waves. "You think people are going to judge you if they find out."