Beautifully Knight (Jordan Knight Fanfic, Liadan #5)

Attics and Audibles

-MARIA-

I coughed as I covered my nose and mouth with my arm and fanned away the dust that danced in the moonlight streaming through the small attic window.

It was late and I was exhausted, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fall asleep. My mind was heavy with racing thoughts that I knew I needed to settle, despite the resistance building in my heart.

Earlier in the night when my husband's heavy footsteps had thumped across our bedroom and floor and he'd whispered my name, my brain had told me to answer him, but I hadn't been able to find the words. Instead, I'd stayed perfectly still and pretended to sleep until he'd muttered to the family dog, Cocoa, who laid curled up at the foot of the bed that he was in for a long night of paperwork and retraced his steps back downstairs.

I'd stayed in my position, motionless and buried in my tear-soaked pillow until I was sure that he'd made it all the way downstairs to his office. As soon as I was confident that he was gone, I kicked off the covers and marched into the bathroom to splash my face with cold water and stare in the mirror at the sad, brown eyes reflecting back at me.

I tried to remember when all the flickering lights in my gaze had gone out and to conjure up some point in time that was responsible for why I was so unhappy all of a sudden, but I couldn't.

As recently as a few days ago, Tony and I had been cuddled up on the patio laughing with each other, but I realized that I had been a lie too. I'd been upset that he'd gone to San Francisco without me and apparently he'd believe that I was having an affair, but we'd ignored it and gone on like everything was fine.

And maybe that was our problem.

We never fell apart slowly. Not for as long as we'd known each other. Instead, we were like a traditional light switch with no dimmer features—off or on with no in-between. Just as quickly as we could be shiny and bright, we could also be dark and dim.

That was us. It'd always been us.

We'd created three beautiful girls and found a way to beat all odds and be the teen parents and high school sweethearts who made it work during those on times, but we'd also had many years of soul-crushing nasty fights during the off times.

With age and wisdom, we'd softened the blows of the off times. But they were there nonetheless and my heart still had the scars from every single one. I tried to tell myself that they had made me stronger, but I didn't feel very strong right now. I felt like I was breaking down and far too weak to withstand another blow.

I wasn't so sure I wanted to turn the light back on this time or if it was better just left alone. I felt guilty thinking that way, especially for my girls' sake. In their eyes, all was well and their father was Superman—just like I'd always told him he was. They expected us to be forever and anything else would be devastating.

I didn't want to put them through that.

I didn't.

I just didn't know if I could put myself through more ups and downs, though.

I'd been riding this roller coaster for twenty years, my stomach was in knots from all the drops, my brain was scrambled from the jolts, and my throat was sore from the screaming.

I was tired.

Utterly and completely tired.

With a sigh, I'd searched my cabinet for the bottle natural sleeping pills I'd found in a vitamin store once, but it wasn't anywhere to be found. After a few more minutes of looking, I gave it up and trudged downstairs to the kitchen in the opposite direction of Tony's office where I raided the liquor cabinet until my fingers had landed on one of the dozen personalized Knight-Holloway wine bottles left over from our wedding day.