a message to the universe

im sorry (i wish i loved more)

Hello readers, hello universe, hello every other hidden force, hiding between the cracks of our solar system, the hidden whispers of power swimming between lost spaces, the gaps where lightning tried to kiss the ground, in missed connections and friendships lost to time. I want you to listen to me. And I want to tell you that I'm sorry.

I'm sorry because don't know why you created me and I don't know why I am alive. I don't know what cruel fate I am, just a pity story or an example of what not to be, but I don't want to be alive for this. I don't want to be alive just to feel this way, this is broken, this is failure. I am so miserable and so painful.

When I was younger I used to fantasize about being where I am now; 18 years old, a university student. Studying arts. It all kind of sounds like a dream. But I'm here and I'm empty and I feel like I've failed you more and more because I don't want to be here anymore.

I don't want to go to university just to be ignored while being told over and over I need to make friends, I'm going to fail as an artist if I don't network. Did you see me when I tried to speak in that group? My voice was wavering and I kept looking at my feet and I smiled too much. That girl made fun of me for asking a question, maybe she didn't know that was the first time I felt able to speak. The weight of my unwanted existence seemed to crush me.

I don't want tomorrow to come. I want tomorrow to take every wrong turn until it's so lost its nothing more than words. I feel so small, like the sailor at sea in a tiny boat surrounded by a mighty sea.

And I'm not in love with the world anymore. I'm heartbroken that you made me this way and I despise myself. I'm meant to be the same girl who would write poetry on the wonder of beauty and how vital and essential it is, so human, that we have it coded within us to love it. I am meant to be her. But wildflowers and sunsets and clouds and bumblebees mean nothing to me and when I see life going on and on and people in love and Earthly magic, all the things that make everything so wonderfully human, well, I'm afraid I didn't see any of it. I didn't want to see it.

I'm sorry that you made me out of stardust and I just want to hurt myself all the time. I want to be bleeding and scarred because I want control back over my life and I think deep down I deserve to feel a little pain. I'm sorry that I was made in your image and I hate myself so badly. I tried so hard to love myself. I tried dancing in my room pretending it was better than being out with friends. I tried to be comfortable. But I'm so, so angry.

I feel like I have made every mistake 1000 times over, and I truly think I've set myself up for failure. My future is empty. I don't know why I am here, alone and awake, sobbing over this melancholy humanness. I just want you to hear me, I just want something to reach into the depts of my broken heart and run its fingers through the pieces, and to smile knowingly because maybe this is a plan, a message or a destiny. I want to know that someone, somewhere out there feels it too. I want the stars to nestle close and whisper in a thousand tiny voices "you are not alone, you were never meant to carry this burden alone." And then they'll whisper, once and billions, "I love you, you're going to be okay."

God, I'm so sorry. I am so tired and so weak, and sometimes I just want to cry out please just end me, maybe I would if i was brave. I wish I could be asking you to save me instead. I wish i was brave. I write about the universe, but I was writing to you.

I will be tired tomorrow.