Minji's Sitter | Taejin ✔️

Forty-One

Potential trigger warning

Seokjin's Pov:

I have felt alone more times than I have felt love. My parents have told me, "Why can't you be more like your brother." more time than they have ever told me they loved me. My brother never had it in him to be bothered with a younger sibling. That's why no one had a problem with shipping me off to my uncle every summer.

I personally don't think my parents wanted a second child. I believe after Jimin, they were done. I was the oops baby, one they had to deal with. So whenever they could get rid of me, I think they jumped for the opportunity. Summer free of kids brought them happiness, but for me, it brought me new scars, tears, hurt, pain, and along with so many other craps I have been carrying around with me.

"I will make you feel good, I promise."

"It hurts now, but it will feel better, I promise."

"Don't tell your parents, it will be our little secret."

"You are my favorite nephew, don't you know that?"

"No one will ever believe you."

Those statements are engraved in my mind. They have caused me to lose sight of the person I once wanted to be versus the person I am now. I think I have questioned life more than I have lived it.

I was seventeen when I had my very first abortion. When I found I was pregnant, I wanted my life over with, I wanted to reach within me and rip that thing out of me. I didn't hesitate for one moment to get rid of it. It didn't deserve to exist, it was not meant to be apart of me. I never agreed, I never once wanted it.

It was through that process I knew I needed to move away and figure out my life, and I did; I did move away, but I couldn't piece my life together no matter how hard I tried. For some reason, sex, wine, the crazy life kept pulling me in.

Sex, I want it all the time, no matter the person, I want it. With wine, it's the same. I can drink it all day long and never get tired of it. They are both my remedy.

When I am sad, feeling broken and confuse, those are the two things that pull me back together; they provide me with the strength to push forward. I have tried many different methods of escape from my reality, but those two just seem to work the strongest in piecing me back together just enough for me to continue on with my next moment in time. 

I struggle with a lot of things, one of them being me having a hard time deciphering if someone truly cares about me, which I doubt. The majority of the time, if someone is nice to me, its because they want something from me. I have this thing about me where I like to hurt people before they hurt me, it's wrong, but it makes me feel better, knowing that I at least secured my heart and my feelings. I don't look for anyone to love me either, I know I am unlovable, I have scars that no one should ever be burden down with, and I am not asking them to.

I know I am viewed as selfish, a whore, among so many other things for aborting Taehyung's child, but honestly, what type of child deserves someone like me as a parent. I would be doing he/she a disservice by bringing them into this world.

It feels weird when Taehyung tells me he forgives me. How can he forgive me? I don't get him, nor do I understand him. Sleeping with him was one of the biggest mistakes I had ever made in my life, one that I had brought onto myself.

I can't even understand what it is about me that Minji likes. Honestly, if I had to make a list of the people I know genuinely cares about me, it would be her at the top of that list and probably only her. The love that little girl has shown me, I know I am not deserving of it. I think she is way too young to understand why she shouldn't love someone like me. Her innocence is clouding her judgment, and one day she will grow up to realize that, and the love she so believes she has for me will wither away. I know it for sure, I am just giving her time to realize it for herself.

When I made up my mind and called Jimin over, these were some of the things I wanted to share with him, but when he showed up pregnant, engaged to be married. I didn't want to be that person once again to create an unnecessary burden in his life. Therefore, I kept quiet about the things I wanted to talk to him about. But when he started alluding to matters of the past, something that kept me up at nights, I broke.

It wasn't the first time I had broke, but it was the first time someone had been witness to the pain of the scars I have tried desperately to bury. The hidden secrets that I had buried so deep within the pits of my soul, the ones that kept me awake at nights, the ones that make me question who I am, where I have been and the choices I have made, had resurfaced to the top forcing me to confess them all.