Finding You

The Moment

"Are you upset with me?" Brad asks and I take a deep breath in. I came back to the apartment and instead of falling into his arms, I went to take a scalding hot shower to wash any trace of Dan off of me and scrub the taste of him off of my lips. I've never been so disgusted with a kiss.

"You encouraged him to kiss me, Brad." I tell him slowly and he looks down at his feet.

"I was trying to help the situation and maybe a small part of me thought you might have wanted to." I narrow my eyes at him.

"If I wanted any sort of relationship with Dan Smith, I could have had it at any moment I chose to. If I was constantly making the same decision to turn him down and move on from the situation, what made you think I wanted him in any capacity?"

"He didn't show interest in you until recently. I just wanted you to be sure about me. Maybe get him out of your system." I close my eyes.

"That wasn't a decision for you to make for me. Believe it or not, I'm fully capable of making a choice for myself."

"That's not what I meant."

"And who gave you permission to decide who gets to kiss me? And why the fuck did your permission mean more to Dan than my dismissal?" I'm rambling. He doesn't know the answer to that question. Other than we live in a world run by men who make the decisions for us.

"I don't know, okay? I thought I was helping but it's clear to me now that I made the wrong decision."

"Just give me a good reason, Brad." I beg him and he takes a deep, slow breath in.

"I was scared and I panicked. I thought if you gave him what he wanted, it would deescalate the situation. I thought he would realize how wrong it was or that he didn't actually have feelings for you. I knew I wouldn't be able to get to you and I didn't know what to do." I wipe my eyes and look away from him. He was scared too. I mean, I don't know how far Dan would have taken his test but it never occurred to me how much danger I could have actually been in. I should have been more scared of the situation.

"Let's get out of here. Let's throw on some clothes and just go." I look at him and stand from the chair. He looks at me confused. I climb onto the bed and grab his face.

"I know I have a job to do tonight and I'll make sure I'm there. But for now, I want to find more things to love about you." I tell him softly and he half smiles.

"I'm all yours, Natalie." He pulls me close to him and I breathe him in.

"Can I tell you a secret?" I ask him and he nods.

"I can't wait to know all your secrets."

"I like that you take pictures of me and no matter how many times I tell you to stop, please don't."

"I can do that." He kisses my head. He lays us down in bed and I kiss his side.

"No one has been able to make me feel beautiful like you do when you take all of those pictures."

"You're the most beautiful woman, especially when you look at things you love." I look up at him and he smiles.

"Like now." He whispers and I blush. I would never say it this early and honestly I don't even know if it's love or just infatuation with each other.

"It's too soon for love." I take a deep breath. Brad smiles and shakes his head.

"You know we don't follow the rules very well but we can wait if you want to."

"I'd like to wait, just until we're sure."

"Okay." He holds me tightly and I close my eyes. What a day.

"Where did you want to go?" He asks and I smile.

"I want a Coca Cola from the Coca Cola factory honestly." I look up at him and situate so my head is on his chest.

"You've never been?" He asks and I shake my head.

"I went to the aquarium with school almost every year so I never had the time to go."

"Go get ready then. I can't wait to do the scavenger hunt with you." He tells me and I sit up.

"Before we go, I need you to sit up a little." He sits up, back against the bed frame. I climb onto his lap, each leg on his side.

"You are the only person I want to kiss. No more encouraging anyone else to kiss me." I tug at his hair and he presses his lips together.

"It's not that I wanted him to kiss you. I told you last night how I felt."

"I know. That's why you're the only person I want to kiss. Because I want to be just as selfish." I kiss him and he wraps his arms around me.

"Just let me say it." He begs and I pull his bottom lip between my teeth until he groans.

"Not a chance. It's only been a month. Try again later."

"You're so frustrating."

"And yet you were just begging to tell me-" he kisses me again and I smile. I could do this all day.

"I need to go put clothes on." I sigh and he rests our foreheads together.

"I can't wait to show you all the things I love about you." I blush. I like the way that rolled off his tongue.

"You're making it hard to be responsible."

"Then stop trying so hard." I can't. For the life of me, I can't. It's only been a month and as sure as I am that I do love him, I'm not 100% sure and I would rather not say it than hurt him one day.

"What makes you so sure?" I ask him softly.

"I had my moment yesterday. It just hit me all at once."

"When was that?"

"When I told you that I would do anything to make you happy. Then it dawned on me that I had these feelings for you since Sarah kissed me." Wow. That's a lot.

"You understand why I can't say it right? Why I want to wait? Regardless of what my heart says, my brain second guesses and I'm scared of getting hurt again." I tell him softly. He nods and smiles.

"I want you to take all the time you need. I want you to wait for the moment you know for sure. There's no rush." He tells me and I smile. I'm 80% sure that I love you Brad. It's in the way you speak to me, in the way you act, the way you treat me.

"What about you? I hate to make you push it down."

"At some point, I'm not going to be able to keep myself from saying it. Even when that happens, you don't have to say it back and you don't even have to acknowledge it if you don't want to. Just go at your own pace." Solid 85%. Okay.

"I don't deserve you. Not even a little." I kiss him softly.

"You're stuck with me." He shrugs playfully.