You Hold My Pieces [completed]

Dear Jack

Listen to : Modern loneliness by Lauv

Dear Jack

I followed you up the hill
Used the little strength I had to help you reach your goal
We talked, we fought , we laughed, we cried
But all that never mattered as long as I was with you

I followed you up the hill
With an empty pail of water in my hand
Whether we would find the well or come back empty handed
I did not know, I did not care
As long as you were my Jack and I'd be Jill

I followed you up the hill
We ran carelessly trying to free our minds until you missed a step
You fell down and broke your crown
The symbol of your power and status
But even when your crown was broken, I still followed you, you were always came first before me

I followed you up the hill
When you were broken down and ready to give up I tried to mend you
I came trembling after to save you from feeling ashamed
I followed you down the hill
I never laughed when you fell, never mocked you
But when we reached the ground and your crown was restored
All that I did for you was not enough for you to save me
You were the prince and I was the pauper
I was never enough to fit in the frame of your picture perfect life.

I closed my diary  and laid face down on my bed fighting of the urge to scream. My father was back home and he had seen my car in the driveway. He knew that I was hiding inside my room. I was beginning to worry because he had not come upstairs to lecture me about skipping school. I just needed someone to talk to me, I did not care if he was going to argue with me or scold me. I just really needed to hear his voice saying it  will be alright after all the turmoil . After a few minutes of tossing and turning in my bed. My father finally came in holding a paper in his hands with his eyes red. He handed me the paper and asked me to read what was written. The moment I saw the heading I knew what the story was about. I had written the cryptic letter the first time I found out that my mother was leaving my father. I could only imagine the sadness that it had caused my father to read the note . He asked me to change into something more comfortable and told me he would be waiting for in his car. I honestly was not in the mood to leave the house but I had no other choice. If it made him feel better to go out for a drive at this point I had to go. My father's happiness meant more to me than my own.

We drove down a familiar path but instead of the usual three it was just us two. My father and I had not gone to the lake together ever since  my mother left. It had become a shadowed part of our memories that we were afraid to visit together but he knew that it make me feel better to be there. If anything I needed new memories not shadowed by a million questions of why it had to happen the way it did. When we got there we sat by the rocks near the water. It was a bit windy and we both pulled our jackets to stop the cold wind from freezing us. Deep down we knew that we had to fear the coldness inside our souls more than that of the weather . Mom had not only left dad  back then  she had left me too without a trace . I tried to deny it but deep down I knew that my sensitivity over the situation became a weapon for Jen and she formulated insults that ruined our  friendship . My dad took out the note once more and held it out. I looked at him not sure what he wanted me to do. I was afraid of making a haste move so he empathized with me and motioned for me to take the note . He asked me to read his voice trembling so much it was devastating . I did not  know why he wanted me to do it but I decided it was best not to argue in this moment . I began reading my own words  despite the tears that were welling up in my eyes

" The shadows on my sky

I could smile and tell you that I am fine. I could laugh at all your jokes and make you believe I'm in cloud nine. I could tell you all my thoughts and dreams and make you feel trustworthy or I could spare you the trouble of being around me when I am this broken.

I am searching day and night trying to find answers to the questions I am too afraid to ask. The sun that gave me light is threatening to burn me to the ground, slowly becoming my worst nightmare. The sun does not set when you are not here but I wait patiently for a dawn that is never going to come.

My sky, you were so bright and perfectly blue but now you bring dark clouds without silver linings. You are a  threat to our future and the scars you left are becoming a permanent part of our lives.

The rainbow that made every rainy day beautiful is nothing but a grey line on the sky. I look up to the sky every night trying to find the moon and the stars but you  have taken them away. The people who used to look into my soul with their eyes are dreading to hold my gaze. They do not want to come face to face with the demons I am fighting. Will peace ever come or will I forever be stuck in this dark universe with no one but myself?

Your golden silence gave me peace but it is now the universe where all my fears are coming alive. Whenever I try to stand up and walk I trip on what used to be my dreams. My friends and enemies have become one and my dignity has been broken in a way that can never be fixed.

You took my pride and decapitated it. To the grave my fears carried my confidence. My sky, my beautiful sky please tell me what happened.

Is it us that cast the shadows over your blue radiance? Please tell me it is someone else. Are we the ones killing you or is it you who is biting our hearts and leaving wounds and scars that will never heal? "

I broke down as I read the last part. I could feel all the pain that I thought I had dealt with surface. I was a broken piece walking around and I had always blamed other people for seeing my mom as a bad person but I was the main culprit. I had been bruised but all I did was wear a shirt over the wounds. I kept on refusing to give other people the shirt off my back claiming that I was cold when deep down I knew what I was hiding. I cried for a long time until my dad held my head up and wiped tears from my swollen eyes.

" You need to let it go princess. Your mother is happy now and we have to be happy for her. I know you are angry that she doesn't reach out often but you need to stop blaming yourself and forgive her. You can't keep living like this darling, you need to learn to stop fighting for people who won't fight for you. I heard what happened at school and I am more angry about you fighting over people who aren't worth it than I am about you missing school. Stop torturing yourself trying to fit in and start living your life for yourself.... "

" but you don't understand "

" I do understand bunny, it's just that you don't want anyone to understand. Be there for yourself and take care of yourself. Stop chasing people that are emotionally unavailable to you. It's what I did with your mom and I drove her away. You don't need that boy, he doesn't deserve you. "

" I thought Liam was my friend "

" Liam is your friend, and I didn't mean him. You just need to understand why Liam acted like that. "

" how do you know so much about what happened? "

" I have my ways. "

He laughed and I also laughed through my tears. I hugged the only person I knew who had my back tightly. We sat there until the sky was a deep shade of blue before we walked back to the car to go to our home.