Angel Of Small Death

2017

How it starts: a passing thought. It starts like a heartbeat in the womb of something evil. It doesn't start like a seed, growing within weeks. It starts small, the size of a fingernail. "I wish i was smaller."

"Maybe I should start a diet."

"I weigh too much."

The disease takes root in your body and possesses you until you are the embodiment of it. Until you ARE it.

How many times in your life have you sat down to eat? So many. More than you can possibly know. You take it for granted, being able to just put food in your mouth and eat it. You take it for granted, being hungry.

Until suddenly, you don't. Suddenly you are very aware of every bite you take. You give yourself a number to strive for, and every number in between that is a dirty sin. Your weight becomes your name. You obsess over it. You count down till the next meal, the next time you'll be confronted with food. You spend your time making excuses to yourself about why you're not eating.

"Oh, im just not very hungry" when you are

"I had a big lunch" when you didn't

"I'm not anorexic" when you are.

You're life becomes about food. About losing weight; lose weight, you will. You lose it like you're sprouting wings. The bones test your body, push out from your skin.

God forbid anyone offers you food. What are you supposed to do? You can't take it and you can't deny it. It sits in front of you like a judge about to give his verdict, it judges you. It looks you straight in the eye and calls you a coward. The offeror cannot possibly know what they've just done, but even still, they turn into somebody to avoid.

Then your parents find out. They just don't understand why you can't just... Eat. Chew and then swallow. You get as far as chewing only to skip swallowing and spit it out. You stop swallowing your spit. You shave even though it's no use. You wear sweaters in the middle of summer.

What started out small is now a giant monster entrapping you in your own mind. What started out as a small heartbeat now beats like a hammer on a nail, instilling fear into you. Food and weight, weight and food.

You use things against yourself, like god and the scale. Tell yourself your a sinner if you eat. Tell yourself you've wronged your parents. You're a disappointment. You worship the scale like something that lives and breathes.

You bruise easily. You wear them and hide them, you give up and tell people any stupid excuse that you can think of. You only wear baggy clothing, because you look like a monster and you know it. Sunken cheeks, bones sticking out, long fingernails. You wonder vaguely if you are dying.

That's how it starts. It end in your blood, sweat, tears, 2 relapses, yelling with your parents, trips to the hospital, and pain like you've never felt it before.

Anorexia is demon straight from the pits of hell and will possess you, make you hate yourself, make you hurt yourself. It starts in you, it ends in you. It ends in you.