Love, Hope.

Why Is It Always Me?

You really don't feel time passing by when you're in grief. It feels like you're stuck in an eternal loop and living the same day all over again.

When my mom passed away, it changed me. It changed me in ways I never thought was possible. It made me feel things I never knew I could feel. Like, there was this black hole in my heart sucking in all the good things and happiness out of me.

My dad kept checking up on me about how I was feeling every day since she passed away. He was trying really hard to make me feel normal again but he knew deep down that it was kind of impossible now that such an important person who we love so much was gone from our lives forever.

I started avoiding all social connections because at that moment all I wanted was me alone in a room, inside my own head thinking about the good moments I had spent with her. No interruption at all. Just me and my thoughts.

You know, I had an awesome life before everything took a turn, I had a best friend, Amber and I was dating a guy I really liked at the moment, his name was Josh. I thought that these two people will be my support system because I really needed them. But, that didn't happen.

I saw these two arrive at her funeral together. They hugged me and told me how deeply they felt about the situation and how they are gonna be there for me but where did those promises go? They were together all the time at the funeral which seemed weird but I wasn't in the mindset to really care about that right then. I didn't really talk a lot with people that day because the person who gave birth to me, who implanted all these beautiful lessons in me was five feet away lying down in a coffin, I mean what do you expect? After a while Amber came up to me and said that she was leaving and will call me soon. But the thing is, I saw Josh leaving with her, they were smiling at each other, SMILING.

Few days passed by after her funeral when my dad came up to me and said that I needed to go back to school because it was February and my finals were coming up and despite the circumstances and whether I liked it or not I had to get back to my studies.

I didn't really find my courage to talk back against my dad because I knew he was right and besides that, I had Amber and Josh, I thought. I went back to school and I saw them hanging out together with a few other people I know, I went up to them and said hi. They seemed pretty shocked at the sight of me but quickly got over it and included me in the conversation they were having. I felt the essence of normality in my life again.

Few days passed by, I was getting used to the routine of going to school hanging out with Josh and Amber and then being all alone with my thoughts and then the same thing all over again. It was a Saturday as far as I recall, Amber told me she was having a small get together that evening and she insisted on coming. I wasn't really stoked about it because I wasn't totally open to the idea of getting back to the real world completely. But she kept on requesting and I was like "screw it"! It's just a small get together and besides that I'm with the people I know so maybe I should take small steps towards going back to the real world again.
I wore a simple dress, didn't really dress up much, because I wasn't really up for it. When I reached there, my immediate thought was "this is way more than a small get together ". There were at least 60 people there and people had drinking cups in their hands which means it's a party I got invited to. I decided to go back to my house and text Amber later some random excuse as to why I couldn't come but that's when I saw Josh entering the house. We have been really distant since my mom passed away because I wasn't really ready to dive into romance after a trauma like that but I thought maybe talking with him will help calm my mind down a bit.

I called out his name but the music was too loud so he couldn't hear me, I followed him in the house and saw him heading upstairs. I went up the stairs and couldn't figure out which room he went to, and why even? There's like a party going on downstairs, what would he be doing in a room? I checked every single room except Amber's. And that's when I heard giggles from her room. I immediately tried not to think the worst, I turned the doorknob with my hands shaking and opened the door slowly to find Amber and Josh making out passionately.

They noticed me and were absolutely terrified but before they could even utter a word I rushed out.

I walked all the way to my house with mascara running down my face. I remember locking myself in my room and crying for hours.

Why is it always me?

I wished my mom was there right then to tell me what should I have done then? But she wasn't. And the people who I thought to be my support systems were absolutely terrible people. I honestly didn't know what to do and how to get through the continuous events of doom. I stopped eating properly and I stopped smiling. I had to see their faces in school every single day. They never even bothered apologizing for their actions either and then started dating after a few days.

I got familiar with depression by then. I could feel it sucking my emotions out of me. It was taking over me because all I could think of was how was I going to get through life?

Is life gonna be this messy and tragic and sad? Will I even find happiness ever? The bigger question was do I want to find happiness? It's like I was getting used to that life so much I felt like I was meant to be broken. Or maybe I didn't deserve to live! I kept asking myself, 'what is the point of living if you have nothing to live for?'

At that moment, I just wanted to sleep and never wake up because if I did I would have to face the tragic reality of my life again.

❤! Please Vote and comment if you liked reading it!❤
(3rd part on 12th March *Austin comes in her life*)