Tongues of Fire

DAY 1

I guess what's the point of all this? For me to clear my head, I suppose. I took this task to write down my thoughts; only to make it clear what I wanted to tell this girl every time I saw her. I feel I have to weigh my words, not to stumble and stutter, like I always do when she's around. I try to articulate something meaningful, or pay her a compliment, for they are truly truthful ones and not invented; but only weird words come out of my mouth or, when the right ones do come out, she doesn't get them. I'll tell you more about what I mean later. So, I said to myself: better write them down beforehand. This way I'll make sure the intended meaning gets to her and not some strange interpretation. Maybe a lot of what's going on with me has to do with my daily life and the experiences I'm currently going through, so, maybe, giving them a voice, as well, will shed some light on the difficult (why is it so difficult?) relationship with this girl.

I adore her. I simply adore her. I think it's important to establish this from the start. I have a strange combination of desires to hold her tight to my arms, telling her how beautiful she is, how everything will be alright, make her laugh and, when she's down, lift her to the skies and tell her I'm there for her. And then I belittle my good intentions with thoughts of kissing her feet while making love to her... press my lips against her big toe and then slide them down the sole of her feet, bite them softly, kiss them hard and then press the rosy cushions against my cheeks.

What's the image I'm trying to project to her? I don't know. I feel I'm hero and villain around her. The encouragement I get is that she wants me to be both. I just wish she'd stop running away from me all the time.

How did I get here in the first place? Well, I've returned home after an absence of many years. That's partly because my relationship with Ella had ended in failure. We had been together for seven years and she'd had enough of me. Maybe she was waiting for me to pop the question. But I couldn't. I felt I was having a relationship with a child and just the thought of having a child with a child scared me. I know women change when they become mothers but I just couldn't see it. Or maybe she got tired of my moods, my depression, and left. Words failed me to express what I felt with Ella then and fail me now with Audrey. I'm a mathematician not a linguist. There is as much beauty and poetry in science as there is in the written and spoken word, and the separation between arts and sciences, which is demanded by the organization of this world, is, partly why Audrey feels so terrible most of the time. I see so much in her; an entire universe, waiting to be unveiled. If given the chance, that is. The Universe is ninety-seven percent made of energy we can't see but feel, which is how I feel about this girl. There's ninety-seven percent of stuff inside her she's not even aware of, and that's the stuff I fell in love with. I simply live my life for her at the moment and she has thrown me out of my old ways.

I ran into Audrey the other day, and she was crying. I asked her what was going on and she told me she couldn't care less if any of her relatives died that very instant. I know I can help her. I can't help myself but I can help her. I know you can't have a great time alone and that's the key to what I believe, but she doesn't think the same. I understood why she was feeling like that: she has a lot more to offer than what's required of her. There is a lot more potential to do good and to be good and nobody's interested, but I couldn't tell her that because I knew she wouldn't relate. She would have to figure it out on her own. So I just gave her a hug and told her I was there for her. She looked at me afterwards and asked: 'who are you?'. I had no idea. Again, I felt a rush to tell her everything would be fine, that I will take care of her but I remembered how Ella had reacted in the past and stopped short of saying it. At the age of twenty-eight, which is how old Audrey is, women don't want promises anymore. They want good news and facts. And I can't just deliver that yet. I know she's waiting for Prince Charming to sweep her off her feet and take her away from all this shit, but for the time being there is no Prince Charming so she does all the running on her own.