Heavy Rain

Lost

I close these eyes that burn from the acidic make up of sea salt
Now imprinted in my memory, I see the dusk sun swaying and flickering under the ripples I've created
My body thuds into the water
Head first I saw my hair arms and legs in front of me
Almost in slow motion
My straight black hair now curls and bends flowing weightlessly
My thoughts were clear like my liquid casket
Although I was distracted by the raising of my skin and a stinging chill running down my spine
The cold water seemed familiar
I knew what I wanted
I wanted to die
I was afraid of any other way out
So I screamed under water
Hoping someone could answer and solve all that has lead up to this moment
What started as a scream transformed into a laugh
The slow expansion of my lungs was caused by them being overrun with water
"What can I do now"
I asked my self
Slowly drifting in and out of consciousness
I reflected on my life
Thinking of times beaten and abused by my partners
Nearly being beaten to death four years ago because of how worthless I was and only because of that
I wondered what made me so insignificant to many
My "family", "friends" "lovers"
All seemed to use me and only want what I had to offer
Yet when the diamonds in the rough had been revealed I found myself pushing them away
Was it because I had finally obtained a position of authority
Inferiority complex? Perhaps
But it felt good to treat others how I've been treated
I only wish they would endure my behavior
Maybe then I could see someone as equal to me
Used and still willing to go on
Much like I once was
My sex life was a disgrace
Maybe if I had made myself to seem like more of a goal rather than a prize I could have been treated with respect
I was so willing to give myself within days of an encounter just because I felt something had to be done in order to keep them by my side
Before I knew it men frequented more in my life than the seasons have passed
My troubled mind has seen many moons and its difficult to say when I became a tool to others
At birth? More than likely simply because of the fact that even my brother has done so to me
Stripping me bit by bit of my innocence
As his mental state matured so had our unrequited intimacy
Delusions and fantasies I set my self up for during such times. Having an indifferent face while all the same a burning desire to kill him. Every time he touched me I felt the need to take from him what he had taken from me, but not in the same way. I wanted something more than physical to harm him. I wanted his dignity, his pride, his sanity anything that would slowly break him down in to nothingness.
But karma got him back already. His life was taken and that is that.
I try not to joy my self with his death, or karma will then too find its self at my door step.
I struggle to keep my self below water level
Feeling the unrelenting burn of the water inside of my lungs, I wonder if I should go through with my suicide
I stumble on this thought. Also because I'm in such a public area
The shore isn't visited often, especially in the winter
So if I wanted to change my mind I'd probably die anyway. Giving up on any notion of survival my sub conscience forces me to swim upward trying to live getting ahead of myself I gasp for breath before I break the surface, only worsening my condition, eventually causing everything to fade to black
I woke up coughing up mucus, sea salt and other questionable flavors.
My savior? Only a silhouette for now, my lungs were still burning on the inside and the realization of who it was could wait
I suppose it wasn't my time yet so I agree with the situation and try to sit myself up
A dauntingly deep voice asked
"why would you be in the water alone"
I questioned my self too although I knew the answer
"I just wanted to..
"Especially at a time like this and with the weather conditions the way they are"
The person seemed more emotional to my circumstance than I was
Especially for a man
I immediately pushed him from over me and tried to stand up on my own
I got to my feet and fell over again
"I'm dizzy"
I stupidly said
He still looked at me, from a silhouette to a fuzzy image I've yet to get a good look at him
He then stands up and holds me up straight
A massive man compared to me
I barely met his chest, although I'm not that tall myself
Brown eyes and Muscular
Firm hold enchanting gaze and a soothing voice
Not too bad but he was too touchy
He held me unwillingly on my part
But I suppose for him it was alright to hug strangers
"Why so compassionate?"
"Should your health not concern me?"
He seemed to have already formed a relationship between us
"Only if you wish to be concerned
My illness is mine not yours "
"True but I wish not to stand by while you suffer"
What was his game
His motive
Why so nice to a stranger
My beauty is exceptional yes, but not worth wading into the water and risking your own life to save
A strange man I've met
{although he has brought me back to life, back into existence a second chance it still seems unreal, un wanting}
He takes me back to his place
Probably thinks I owe him something
Such a nasty habit every man has
I chose not to confront him yet
I don't want it to appear that I'm assuming his character or grouping him to every other man I've met
Although I am
"Do you need anything .."
"Adelina" I answer
Unaware of his name also
"Angel" he takes upon himself to tell me
"Yes Angel, you umm did me a great favor"
Yet in the back of my mind and bottom of my soul I hated him
Not because he saved me but because he knew what I wanted, wether the encounter was by chance or otherwise I had owed him something
"the shower is behind those curtains"
I haven't had time to analyze the house but it was rather small and cluttered, crammed packed with books and miscellaneous things, pencils, cigarets etc.
"Where at?" I look towards the curtains wondering how privacy would be something I owned
"Not to be rude but you're looking at it"
I looked at him half way over my shoulder with an angered look
"I'll be out shortly"
I threw open the white curtains and stepped into the tub, looking at him with his back turned to me
"Privacy is limited I apologize"
He sounded sarcastic
I relieved a sigh and removed my drenched clothing tossing them over the top of the curtains
Looking down at my body, I turned on the faucet, at first the water was cold I shrieked and stumbled, nearly tearing down the curtains
I hear a chuckle and an amused
"Are you okay?"
I answer with a sharp
"Yes" attempting to be sour but I held my hands to my chest with the soap bar at the core of their clutch and a smile on my face
I soaked and lathered my skin, wondering where this would lead to and how far he would try to go,
the silence was deafening
"Thank you.." I said wanting to express my gratitude, maybe even start something to speak on
I waited a while and finally a response was heard
"I apologize its difficult to pay attention while watching you bathe, your silhouette is captivating "
My cheeks were flustered and I suddenly felt extremely self conscience
"WHILE WHAT"I stupidly question
He's toying with me now prying on my weakness and insecurities, I mustn't let him win
I slid open the curtain allowing my lathered breast and body to be exposed.
"You honestly try too hard" he said calmly whilst approaching me, my heart began to pound and my momentary pride was pierced.
"Does a woman's body not excite you" I struggle to get an upper hand
"Not yours in particular, no"
I was crushed and defiled, all on my own foolish actions, I hated this feeling of not being wanted
He stepped to the tub and looked down into my eyes, I followed his and imagined they were analyzing every part of my body, from my eyes to lips then neck to collar bone, down along my dripping shoulders and to my lathered breast. Then maybe towards my moist navel and waist line, lower perhaps, I began to get hot and this change was not due to water running on my skin
This heat came from inside of me, it caused a sudden urge to do as I pleased with this man. To satisfy myself but I looked at his eyes and they stayed focused with mine, shocked by this I couldn't say anything I just stood silently with my lips ajar and eyes wide. He placed his fingers under the water and allowed them to rinse, then slowly placing them on my lips he said
"I don't want you to feel good about yourself but please allow me to close the curtain, I feel I'm loosing myself"
I looked back at everything that has led to this chance encounter, my life,how I was raised, who I've met, how I've treated them and how they've treated me. And the information I could do the most without, how this meeting is like no other
He's the first to have behaved in such a manner.
"Now continue your bath"
He closed the curtain and allowed me to do so
I stepped out to a greet an oversized white button up shirt on a chair placed in the doorless doorway
"I suppose you'd have me wear this"
"Unless you wish to strut around naked"
I suppose he'd seen me that way anyway so it did not matter
"And of my panties?"
"I set them out to dry, I'd already washed them(I suppose they were the easiest of the rest of my cloths) and they should be back in your loving care shortly"
I smirked and underlying that I suppose it was giving him thanks
thirteen minutes of standing and waiting exhausting, especially after all that's happened today. Once I had obtained my underwear I planned on taking a nap
It must have been 5 or so because the sun was setting and only the dim lamps set strategically around his house illuminated the scene, mellow shades of grays and yellows set a romantic mood. I laid down on his twin mattress, attempting to sleep and catch rest, I began to envision a future with this man. A world of satisfaction.
"Time does not exist"
I hear him whisper as I drift in and out of consciousness
"For if it does not exist there is no experience that can be wasted"