Dealing With Demons

The Thoughts

The Thoughts follow me around all day.

They pop in and out of my head every ten minutes.

They make me feel very lonely.

I tried keeping a mood board, a little calendar to track how I feel from day to day.

Most of the days are coloured pink and red, bad days and awful moods, low energy levels and no motivation.

All it showed me was how miserable I was.

How miserable I am.

I thought about putting a little black star on the days I thought about giving up.

I decided against it, I knew what it would show, I knew what it would tell me.

Every day of every week of every month of every year for the past three years will be filled with black stars.

There have been times where I was so close,
So close to giving up.

But I thought about who would find me and decided against that too.

I guess it's a good thing for the people that want to keep me around.

I don't know why they do though.

Maybe because I'm the funny, happy, emotionally present, reliable, supportive, responsible and accepting friend all at once.

Of course I'm faking heaps of it.
Of course I'm keeping up this charade. I have no other real choice.
They'd find out what I really think about when I do my usual day to day activities.

They might believe I'm thinking about whatever the task at hand is, but majority of my waking hours are spent imagining each and every possible way I could escape it all.

. . .

It would be really peaceful if The Thoughts just left my head every once in a while.
I know there's no possible way they could leave forever but they could give me a break.

They could keep quiet.
But they don't.
They don't and the never have and I'm scared they never will!

I'm absolutely terrified that things aren't gonna get better and that I'm going to be stuck here with Tightness and Blanket and Lightbulb and This Body, all of which I despise with a passion.

I don't want to deal with them anymore!
They're all problems I've been handling for far too long and I want them out of my life now!

I still see a counsellor and it doesn't help.

I take these 'helpful' big deep breaths and it doesn't help.

I do every mindfulness activity you could think of and it doesn't help.

Nothing I do helps and I'm scrambling to find the will to keep trying.

The only will left I have at the moment is the disappointment in my friends and families eyes that they would gaze at me with.
That look is what I want to avoid at all costs.

Even if it means staying here in this god-awful, unfair, cruel and unjust world.

I don't want to do this anymore.

But either I give in and screw everyone else's lives up,
Or I stay here, bear it, and screw up mine.

Lightbulb and Tightness want me to stay, they worry about other people and they say I can figure out a plan whilst I'm lying awake in bed.

Blanket and This Body want me to leave.
Now.
They don't care anymore and they're sick of dealing with living in this form.

I'm so sick of dealing with the lot of them.
Demons, they are.

It's so exhausting.