mother

Untitled Part 1

I've dreamt of killing. Draining the blood from lifeless bodies, tearing out pairs of eyes. It just sounds delightful. But when it actually comes to people, I feel like a robot observing human behaviour. Simply a machine, given life. That's why I spend my time in my chair. My chair. It is placed exactly midway between the tv and the fireplace; it must not be more on one side than the other. Perfectly balanced, as all things should be. But they're not. Everything's so messy and uncomfortable. They're the only ones that will ever understand. But they're not here. I'll count the flowers evenly placed on my armrest till then. Till then.

He playfully tugs at my messily rolled up sleeve

"C'mon daddy c'mon hurry up were gonna miss it!"

"All right, all right bud, just calm down!" I laugh as he yanks me toward the ice-cream truck. We get there and join the back of the queue as I playfully ruffle his hair. He looks so much like his mother - his smile, his laugh.... although it's not as though she laughs much anymore. All she does is count those stupid flowers. I'm pulled out of my thoughts as he pulls me towards the front of the van. He chooses the Ice-cream Surprise Special and I pay. But just before we leave, he quickly turns to me, his deep blue eyes laced with concern.

"Should we get one for mummy?" he suggests

"uhh no I-I think your mummy's fine" I smile warmly at him

The sun beats down on us as we leave for home, giggling and messing around the entire way back.

My therapist asks too many questions. I don't know why she asks the questions, or what she's achieving by doing so, but I don't ask. It's better if I don't ask.

I ask myself the same questions too sometimes, but the answer is always the same. Who are you? I don't know. What do you want? I don't know. I never know. Humans are social creatures. I don't mind the silence... sometimes the silence opens gateways for thoughts. Thoughts I know shouldn't feel so good and yet, the thought of ripping throats out becomes almost an insatiable hunger till eventually it's deafening, but I'll hold it in. Still, it feels like I'm slipping away. But I remind myself that I am here, even when my mind is not.

After arriving back home from ice-cream and the dentist, night comes and I slip into my pjs, after putting him to bed, of course. Everyone but me is asleep. Sometimes, I wonder what she's thinking. What could be so incredibly important that she can't even take her own son to the dentist for God's sake! I know she has issues but sometimes I just think she does it to get away from us. But after all, there really is nothing I can do. Nothing any of us can do.

My eyes open as I awake from a dream. My dream. Its 2:48am exactly. Tears running down my face mixed with an empty taste. I dreamt that I got everything I wanted. So why does it feel like a nightmare? But it felt like they were there. I saw them laying right there. Blood, flesh and all. I don't want to lie here, in my sheets, but maybe I can learn to. No. I don't want lie here anymore. I slowly ease myself out from under the warm bedcovers and walk silently to the kitchen where I slip a knife out from the draw. I move mechanically down the wooden hallway, feeling the creaky floorboards beneath my bare feet. My mind starts to buzz, but that buzz turns into a chaotic jumble of whirring memories. "soulmates"-what a stale word! Were we ever really happy? What you said to me on that fateful day, those words that sunk so deep- "I love you". You know what I love? How necessary you think you are to me.....how non-expendable.

A smile spreads across my face as I slowly, carefully turn the doorknob to his room, my dear husband's room. He wakes quickly and sits up

"Mei? Is that you?" I ignore him and pace purposely toward him, clutching the knife. A tear slowly rolls down my face as I place myself next to him and whisper gently

"it's only because I love you" as I drive the knife through his stomach, enjoying every part of the experience as I twist the knife in him and watch his face fill with so many emotions, and for once, I know what they are. Shock, fear, sadness, but mainly...betrayal. I stab him a couple more times to ensure his death, but also for pure enjoyment. I remove the knife and examine it, tilting my head before gazing over to the splashes of blood all over my clothes. My pure white night gown is now stained with the blood I so carelessly splattered. What a shame. It was so pretty.

"Mummy?" I turn from the corpse to see my little boy clutching his teddy, a look of terror printed on his face. I wanted to spare him. I really did. But I suppose now... I just can't. I quickly make my way towards him. Should I do this? I have to. I've come too far. Without a word the metal collides with his flesh as I bend his neck, covered in blood. Smile through the torment. Laugh through the pain. The dark crimson liquid drips from under my eye as If I were crying his blood. How painfully poetic.

I shove open the front door and step out into the cold night in my bare feet, hastily turning the corner. My walk turns to a jog and eventually a run. The red mixes with the white of my night dress, as the tears mix with the blood. Run. Just run, till I go numb, till the emptiness in my heart matches my soul. They thought they could ignore me. Tell me what to do. Please. I'll destroy all in my path. Including you.