𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐑𝐘 𝐁𝐎𝐌𝐁! 𝖦𝖨𝖱𝖫𝖦𝖱𝖮𝖴𝖯

𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞

august 12th, 2013
seoul, south korea

EUNAE WAS LAYING ON THE TILES of the bathroom, her skin shivering against the cold texture, she's been laying there for what now? an hour? she stared at the ceiling without moving. surprisingly, she wasn't crying, she probably should've, well at least she fucking wanted too, she wanted to cry so bad, but she couldn't, because she didn't feel sad, in fact, she didn't feel anything.

and it killed her inside. she just wanted to not be numb anymore, whatever the feeling was, whatever she had to do, she just need to feel something. at first she thought it was just a bad day, then a bad week, then a bad month, and now it's been seven fucking bad months. it feels like nothing is real anymore, she just needs it to end. now she crosses the road without looking because, maybe with a little bit of luck, she'll get hit by a car. but it didn't happen yet, she just get yelled at by angry drivers.

she feels like her life isn't hers anymore, like someone is playing her like a puppet and she just observes from afar, and being alive doesn't sound that fun to her anymore. well, she just thinks that living like this and being dead would probably feel the same, except being dead wouldn't bother her as much.

everything seems gray now, and she would love to be sad about it, but no, she's just numb, and she feels like such a freak every time she thinks about talking about it to someone

a sigh left her lips as she heard a small knock on the door, disturbing her from her life crisis thoughts, she hummed, propping herself on her elbows, looking at the door with a her brows knitted together, jules slowly opened the door, a soft smile on her lips as hers and eunae's eyes locked "can i come in?" eunae just nodded, laying back down as her friend entered the room and quietly laid down next to her, they stayed silent for a few seconds, both of them staring at the ceiling, jules turned her head to the side, staring at the younger's profile

"if you have something to say, just say it and stop looking at me like that" eunae didn't mean to sound so harsh, that's just how it came out. jules gulped, quickly looking back to the ceiling, she didn't really know what to do, but she knew she had to say something

"are you okay?" she could feel the way eunae slightly tensed up when she said that, but she didn't say anything, she just waited.

"of course, i'm always good" she sounded so sure of herself, but the way she anxiously played with her fingers said otherwise, eunae was the type of person who looked so cool and strong, but in reality she was just hiding her shaking hands in her pockets. "why did you ask?" eunae hates talking about her feeling, she absolutely despises it. and in all honesty, jules isn't much better with those type of things

"oh" was the only thing she was able to say, making the silence overpower the room once again, she didn't want to be too pushy, after all, eunae trust her right? if something was wrong she would tell her, right? "well if you need to talk at some point, i'm here" jules said before getting up and walking towards the door to exit the bathroom "dinner will be ready soon" she smiled softly at her younger friend before going away, leaving eunae alone in the cold bathroom again

eunae didn't like being alone, but she was somehow used to it. she quietly sat up, looking around with same bored expression she had been wearing for the past seven months, she grabbed the big t-shirt next to her before sliding it over her head, it was her mum's shirt, she gave it to her before moving back to france for work. eunae slowly turned her face toward the door, she could hear jules' breathe from the other side, her throat was burning to say something to tell her everything and get help, but she didn't want to, because feelings are scary.

eunae always feels ridiculous while talking about her feelings, but her whole body was aching to feel something, it was so hard alone she just couldn't do it.

"jules?" she called, barely above a whisper, the bathroom got silent again for a few seconds, before jules opened the door, staring at eunae with a small smile, the said girl looked around, she felt like her throat was closing, she didn't know what to say

"C- can you like, hold me?" jules seemed taken aback from the question, the younger girl never asked for affection, but she nooded nonetheless, kneeling down on the cold bathroom floor to warp her arms around her younger friend. eunae felt so warm like this, she felt safe. she took a shaky breath before opening her lips, preparing to say something

"i don't know what's happening to me" she could feel jules hold her tighter as the words left her lips "i'm scared" her voice cracked at the end of her sentence as she buried her face in jules' neck, as she gently pat her back, encouraging her to continue "i feel like don't even know me- i-"

"take your time nae" jules whispered, patting the younger's back

"i feel like a part of me is missing and now i just- i just can't feel anything" she didn't like talking about, but at the same time it lifted such a big weight off her shoulders "i swear i tried to get better but- but i just can't" she was holding jules so tight it would probably leave a bruise on the poor girl's waist

"i know you did nae, i know" jules spoke so softly, as if she didn't want to scare the teenager between her arms "and you can get better, you're a very strong girl." she said, quietly soothing her hair

"i'm sorry" eunae took a fistful of her friend's shirt "i always fuck up" she burried her face further in jules neck, taking a deep breath through her nose "promise me to not tell the others, i don't want to worry them more than i already do" jules slowly pulled away, locking eyes with eunae for like thirty seconds before nodding,