It Comes in Waves

Seventy Nine

Louis and I move into our compartment. It's absolutely nothing fancy. Grey walls, and a floor to match. Two beds, wardrobes, and an adjoining bathroom with a tiny shower. But it feels like home because of the man I'm sharing it with. We're here together and to me that is priceless.

The first night Louis and I move into our compartment is also the night I have a nightmare for the very first time that I can remember since the Capitol.

It starts as a confusing blur of bright colors, and a deep gut feeling that something isn't right. Swirls of deep greens, bright reds, blacks, whites, rich blues. I get the sense that I'm suffocating, and the entire dream I feel like I'm being crushed, but I can't see anything or anyone. It's just these colors flashing in front of my eyes and a feeling that my world has been shattered.

I'm pulled from my sleep, and at first I'm panicking because someone is screaming, and I don't know what's happening. I momentarily fear I'm back in the Capitol. But then in the dim light I see Louis' face looking extremely worried, and I realize it's me that's screaming. It dies almost immediately, my throat sore and a strange and almost chilling silence filling the compartment.

Louis reaches out to me, and I don't know why, but I jump back automatically. He looks as though he's been slapped. I'm shaking and then he's shaking too. I cover my mouth with my hand and I don't know if I'm crying or just choking. Either way, I can't seem to breathe, and I've just upset Louis but I didn't mean to.

He quickly edges off the bed, taking from my flinch that his close proximity is upsetting me, but no no no...He's got it all wrong. I don't want him to be away from me. I don't really know what I want. I'm confused, and I keep seeing flashes of those bright colors every time I blink, so I blink faster and faster to make them go away, but then I'm blinking out tears and-

I can't breathe.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know.

Louis doesn't either, the pain of which is written all over his face. He stands helplessly beside the bed, wringing his hands nervously, peering down at me in the dim light with so much concern that I have to look away. I hide my face in my hands and struggle to inhale fully, but no matter how much air I draw in to my lungs it still doesn't feel like enough.

I lie back down on the bed and curl up on my side, dizzy and nauseous and trying so hard to take a full breath but failing miserably. Im sobbing now, and my heart is pounding so quickly I can feel it throbbing in my head and I feel hot and cold all at once and I can't control anything at all.

I couldn't stop them from selling Louis. I couldn't stop them from touching me. I can't stop anything. They can do whatever they want to me. I have lived my whole life under the control of other people and I will never escape that, never never never.

I keep seeing Louis extend his hand from the corner of my eye, only to pull it back a few moments later, an agonized expression on his face. I'm remembering how it feels to be in his place suddenly. Wanting so badly to help, but not knowing how, not knowing if you will just make it worse. It feels helpless and maybe Louis feels like I do now, too. Out of control and pained.

I will be okay. I will be okay. I will be okay.

Am I a liar? Am I lying to myself?

My vision is swimming and my head feels strangely light from a lack of air. I fear suddenly that this is going to kill me. My chest hurts like I'm having a heart attack. I don't want this to kill me. I want to be with Louis. That's what I want, that's what I've always wanted.

I'm drowning under the colors and I don't know how to break the surface. Louis starts to speak suddenly, and I can't make out what he's saying, but his words are strong enough to give me the strength to swim closer and closer to the surface. His words are above the colors and if I can reach them, I will be free, I'm sure of it.