𝗛𝗢𝗪 𝗜 𝗟𝗘𝗔𝗥𝗡𝗘𝗗 𝗧𝗢 𝗗𝗜𝗘 | the boys

v. 𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 𝐀𝐑𝐄

~𝙄'𝙢 𝙨𝙤 𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙥𝙮 '𝙘𝙖𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙩𝙤𝙙𝙖𝙮 𝙄 𝙛𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙 𝙢𝙮 𝙛𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙙𝙨, 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙮'𝙧𝙚 𝙞𝙣 𝙢𝙮 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙙, 𝙄'𝙢 𝙨𝙤 𝙪𝙜𝙡𝙮 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩'𝙨 𝙤𝙠𝙖𝙮 '𝙘𝙖𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙨𝙤 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪~

I never decided whether my life by myself was simple or complicated existence. I certainly built a routine over time and knew to keep away from those who, as far as I'm aware, were practically drooling over the opportunity to snatch that bounty from my head. Wanted - preferably dead than alive. The only thing which kept me from obeying those wretched voices was the cold-running blood in my veins, the determination that I grew with to hurt the one who hurt me. And sure enough, in a few years time, they went away - piece by piece. I taught myself new words every day - just because I knew exactly what I wanted to say to him when I was forcing his face into the ground with my foot.

Unfortunately, given the circumstances and, well, everything that's happened, I dare not utter them out loud. After all, I wouldn't let him take away my right to speak, however rare the occasion was.

I can only speak as well as I do because of how much time I spent just listening to people, eavesdropping the millions of conversations that passed me over the years. I did know the words, I just had difficulty spelling and reading them, and it turned out to be something of a weakness later on.

Heat and food were really the least of my problems. I quickly learned that all people were evil inside, even me. It's ironic really as someone I perceived as evil on the outside was actually the warmest, most caring person I know. I was completely fine with the fact I'd purely destroyed my own innocence. I wasn't sorry at all for what I'd done; because if I'd gone to the cops that night instead of walking to the river in the park, I'd still be going to school, I'd still have a roof over my head... but I'd still also be hurting. Sure, it hurts as much today as much as it did watching Tee choke on his own blood but now I know what I was meant to do. I was created to destroy the corrupt system that ruined this Earth, and for no other reason.

The point is, anyone who tells you things will hurt less with time are lying, because it obviously hurts more. Of course, it never just stops. They just get better at hiding whatever psycho shit is going on inside. I've seen it in someone very important to me. The only thing that made me feel bad about my decision was the fact that Noah and I had talked about being friends until we died that very same day. The last thing I wanted was for him to be lonely and full of guilt. I wanted to visit him and tell him I was okay - and I could imagine him hugging me really tight, like he always did, and I would push him away before rethinking it and hugging him back again. Fuck.

I got off track there - I meant to explain how things are. Or rather, how things were before this existential mess managed to surround me again. Before I was flung back upside down again when I had just managed to clamber unsteadily to my feet. My eyelids flung open to the sound of car horns and for a split-second, I saw him. He was always the first thing I saw when I woke up. Without fail. The choking sound rung through my ears and forced me to sit bolt upright, widening my eyes to clear out the blurriness in my vision. The air outside was reasonably warm which meant a grotty humidity would hang over Manhattan for the rest of the day. The cardboard I had been sleeping on was fairly smooth compared to the gravelly concrete and the long scarves I had suspended around the alley blocked out civilisation from my small den.

Another day, another step closer to my merciless revenge. The more I contemplated it, the less I desired to kill the supe and for that, I developed two perfectly sensible explanations. 1) I don't know if you've noticed, but supes have a notorious reputation for not fucking dying. 2) Death means he's free from pain - my legacy was to make sure he hurt for the rest of his life. To make sure that what went around certainly did come around. I believed in that kind of shit. For example, the belief my family was killed to start a ripple effect, leading to the downfall of The Seven. Because once I made enough contacts and gather enough resources, I was going to bring that fucking tower to its knees.