what he is made of

"You are made of stardust," Balinor says, and Merlin has already forgotten. He's only just been born. He won't know his father's smile, or his laugh, or his kiss upon his forehead. "You are made of what the world cannot comprehend. You are made of love."

Balinor is gone in the morning. His mother cries and begs for him to come back. He doesn't.

Merlin is a child. He lives on.

~

"You are made of something foolish," Will says, "for standing by the prince. You are made of what he hates. You are made of storms and the day and night. You are not made of what he is."

Merlin wants to tell Will that he's wrong, but he doesn't know that he is. He and Arthur are a coin, two sides of one. They cannot see each other.

Merlin says nothing.

The light fades from Will's eyes slowly. He is in pain. Merlin wishes he could look away. He doesn't.

Merlin is bitter. He lives on.

~

"You are made of the sky," Gwen tells him. Her father has just died. Her eyes are puffy and she bites her lip until it bleeds. She clings to his arm. She can't look at him. "You are there always. You watch me and you hold me, and one day, you'll outlive me."

Merlin says nothing. He lets her plead to the universe, to death, to Elyan, to bring her father back.

The world is empty without Gwen's smile. They don't know where the body has gone and neither of them can bring themselves to ask the prince. Gwen can't look at Arthur, either.

They are young. They live on.

~

"You are made of the dirt," Morgana says, and she is resentful. There is blood on her hands and fear in her eyes. Her fear is not for him. It's for what lives inside her, what she cannot tame. "I walk on you and curse you. You are made of ignorance. You will never understand what I've faced."

Merlin wants to hold her. He wants to tell her it will be alright. He wants to tell her he is scared as well. He wants to be forgiven.

He says nothing instead. Her eyes flash gold and he lets her raise her hand to attack. She deserves this. She deserves the ache in his bones as he slams into the wall, the way his body screams with pain. She deserves something other than the fear in her soul.

He is regretful. He lives on.

~

"You are made of dreams," Freya says, and she is choking. She'll be dead soon. He wants to weave flowers into her hair and carry her to a better life. He cannot. "You are made of the water hitting the sand and of a house on a hill. You are made of wind. You are made of roses."

She wants to say something else. She's gone before she can try to.

There was a beast inside her. There was also a scared girl. Somewhere between them was someone Merlin could have loved, someone who smiled at him and wanted him to be happy.

Merlin sends her into the lake. He didn't have the chance to know her. He misses her already.

He is heartbroken. He lives on.

~

"I've held you before," Balinor says, and it's not what Merlin wants. Merlin wants a father who will return to Ealdor and laugh. Merlin hasn't heard him laugh. "I said you were made of stardust. But you are made of words, Merlin. You are made of lo--"

In that moment, Merlin hates him. He is dead and Merlin hates him. In the next moment, he cries. Arthur says he shouldn't, but he does.

Arthur says nothing.

Merlin is tired. He lives on.

~

"You are made of prophecy," Mordred says, and Merlin is not there to hear it. "You are made of something already written. You cannot control what you do. You are made of someone else."

Merlin does not miss the boy. He does not miss his broken sword. He does not miss his hair or his smile or the world inside his head. He does not miss his shouting and curses. He does not miss him.

He is angry. He lives on.

~

"You are made of us," a knight says. Gwaine, Elyan, Lancelot. Merlin doesn't know. Merlin is drunk. He drinks until he doesn't know if he is crying. He hasn't touched a drink at all. "You are made of our voices and our memories. You are made of how we feel."

Arthur is by his side, his breaths labored. Merlin needs to get him to safety. He needs to help him.

Merlin is sober. He lives on.

~

"You are made of the soil," Morgana says. She is not smiling. She is not frowning. She simply is. "You are made of the plants you allow to grow. You are made of the worms and bugs and life. You are made of the weeds that choke them all. Am I your weed, Merlin?"

Freya said he was made of roses. He is not the rose.

Morgana wilts. Her petals fall away and, in her eyes, there is still fear.

"I forgive you," Merlin says.

She says nothing.

Merlin hopes, wherever she is, she is happy.

He is resigned. He lives on.

~

"You are made of magic," Arthur says. He no longer spits the words to the ground. He no longer glares. Merlin lets out a shaking sob. "You are made of something beautiful. You are made of holding each other, like this. You are made of letting animals escape when we hunt. You are made of the way I smile at you."

Merlin chases the feeling of Arthur's lips on his own. His king isn't crying, not like Merlin is. His king is holding Merlin as the servant scratches desperately at his chest. He presses close in an attempt to keep him alive for just a minute more.

"Merlin," Arthur says, and Arthur is smiling. They are two sides of the same coin. They are opposites. They cannot see each other. Merlin looks anyway.

"You are made of love."

Arthur dies, and the world shakes. Boats capsize as Merlin screams. Civilizations crumble. Merlin crumbles.

"He will rise again," Kilgarrah tells him, and Merlin waits.

There is something, deep inside him. He is not human. He is not made of the same as Arthur, but he is everything Arthur was. He is Gwen's grin and the determination in Morgana's movements. He is Will's jokes and Freya's hope. He is Gaius' teachings. He is Balinor's laugh.

He is Lancelot's loyalty and Mordred's truth. He is Gwaine's stories and Percival's strength. He is Leon's kindness and Elyan's experience.

Merlin is made of many things.

He is terrified. He lives on.

~

He is far older when the world stops shaking.

Arthur rises with an insult on his breath, his hair golden and his eyes wet. Merlin crashes into him as he attempts to get out of the water.

Merlin is made of many things.

Arthur kisses him and laughs like an idiot and says something Merlin is far too happy to be able to hear.

Merlin is made of love.