Someday, I'll Find My Way Home

They begin from the end.

The last time that I properly talked to Karl was during our Graduation back in 2016. 

That day felt surreal. I didn't know how to process things properly due to the wave of excitement and nostalgia hitting me at the same time. My friends and I were taking a lot of pictures beside the stage before the start of the ceremony with our Sablays and Filipiniana clothes. I couldn't hide my smile. Of course, we worked hard for this. We deserved this moment.

Karl was faraway from us. Being the BS Computer Science 2016 valedictorian and one of the nine magna cum laudes in our graduating class, he was seated at the first row of the designated seats for our college. We were normal graudates who survived the hell out of the University of the Philippines, arguably the best university in the country. And we were proud of this achievement.

We raised our fists as we sang UP Naming Mahal. 

After the ceremony had ended, I ran towards his direction. Karl was standing there, clapping his hand while staring at the stage while everyone were taking photos. When I called his name, he turned back and gave me a half-hearted smile, his face evident of longing and nostalgia.

He wasn't meeting my gaze, and the tears were starting to pile at the corner of his eyes. I quickly wrapped my arms on him and said, "Don't cry."

"I know. I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm still... overwhelmed."

"Me too."

"I'm gonna miss you," I told him.

"Yeah."

I removed my hands on his back and put my arms across his shoulders. I leaned my head on his. "You're supposed to say you're gonna miss me too."

"F-Fine," he said, his voice cracking. "I'm gonna tell you something..."

"What's it?"

"I..." He heaved a heavy sigh. "Nevermind."

"You can tell me anything."

"No, just... forget it."

"You sure?"

He wiped the tears in his eyes. "Yes."

I fixed his Sablay and his medal. I patted his shoulders and whispered, amidst the noise from the crowd around us, "Don't forget me, okay?"

He didn't meet my eyes. "Yes."

"You'll text me. Always."

He nodded.

"Damn, I don't want to leave college."

"But we have to move on."

"Yeah."

I saw my parents waving from the stands near us. I patted his shoulder again. "Well, see you around, Karl."

"Yeah. Sure."

"Bye."

I ran towards my parents and my friends, and I lost him in the crowd. I tried to look for him after our family took photos. But I couldn't find him. 

I wanted to tell him something. That I didn't want to leave him behind. That I could've stayed wherever he was if he told me so. That I wasn't going to leave the university I treated as home for the past four years. It was a hard pill for me to swallow--that I need to grow up because society dictates me to do so. 

I didn't want to. I wanted to stay young and feel young.

Karl was my best friend. I shared everything to him--from mischievous stories, happy crushes, heartbreaks, failures... he was there during my ups and downs. He was the one who made me feel like this university was my home to begin with. And now that I'm leaving... it was as if I was leaving a huge part of me behind as well.

I didn't have a best friend until I met him. Friendships last for years, and I was confident that even though we were apart, we would still treat each other like the space between us never existed in the first place. Like we just met yesterday. That's what I thought anyway.

But after that, I never heard from him again. The only stories I had heard was coming from my friends about his career, his appearance... but he never replied to me or tried to reach out during the next years of our lives.

It's as if we became strangers with memories. And I hate to admit that I missed what I had before. The adult life had taken away my youth and dreams. When I reached my limit after five years of living a dull, boring life, I'm finally going home.