I'm Fine - Feelings

Hurt's story

I'm lost.

It's hard to describe what I can feel anymore.

It's like, I'm drowning myself, my body is paralyzed, not being able to reach the surface.

I want to be able to feel, just, okay. Even if it's just for one day.

It's not that I have the worst story, it's that everything finally hit me. of how. Everything I didn't realize that was hurting, hurt. I look back at everything, every sign I missed. All the hurt on my mothers eyes, and my fathers eyes. All the panic in everyone's eyes, all the stress in everyone's eyes. I realized, the world is hurting, whether it's now or soon. It's not like, I've never hurt. I've been hurt. I'm always hurting. But I'd rather hurt myself then see anyone else hurt.

"I'm fine" the words that come out of my mouth. I just want someone to look me in the eyes and say "it's okay" and hold me as I fall apart

I am so lost in my own mind, my body shrinks up. It's too hot then it's too cold. My heart feels very, very heavy. My breath get's faster and faster, it's umbearable.

I'm just letting go of my feelings and saying "f*ck it" these days and do whatever is left of what makes me happy. Addict.

I label myself as happy, in hopes to fall asleep before I fall apart. I label myself as happy and walk around with a smile and hope someone sees what I see. I want someone to see past my pain and create a future with me. I want someone who will sacrifice their life for mine, and who will hold me and make me laugh away my pain.

I look myself in the mirror and I just want to dissolve into air. I hate seeing every flaw of mine hardly naming anything I love about myself.
"You can't love anyone until you start loving yourself"
I just wanted you to give me a reason to love myself. I want to see myself through your eyes and see how someone else sees me. I'm so used to myself.
I want to meet someone, after all my mistakes. I want to meet someone who sees the better version of myself. I need a better me.

I'm hurt. I repeat all the texts and phone calls and conversations in my head. I chose your little words and made them the biggest picture in my head. If you don't filter your hurting words, I will.
If you don't answer me, I'll give myself my own conclusions.

Give me reasons to stay. Give me a reason to live. I feel like I've felt everything. I've tried love, I've tried friends, I've tried sadness, happiness, pain. What else is there to feel?
I'm numb.

Society. You played half the book in my life. Every time, I felt your eyes staring at me, whether you're there for me, or there with me. You're either against me, or proud of me. You're either supporting me, or doubting me. You're either a pro or a con. I want you to feel my scared. I want you to feel my judgement. I want you to feel my pain, my anger, my sadness, my happiness, my love, my broken heart, I want you to feel my heart, and see if it's just a shadow or a body part.

Maybe all the scars aren't evident enough for you. Maybe all the hospital visits aren't good enough for you. My therapist just there to listen. Maybe I'm fine. Maybe I'm okay.
You can't fix my past. But you can help my future. You can pick me back up on my two feet and hold my heart on a leash and guide me to the right path and let me go once my heart is trained.
I want to be able to love everything. Everything that's ahead of me. I will never love my past. But I can try and learn to love my future. I can try and accept myself and love myself and find ways to live. I want to be able search for everything and not just stay lost in a maze.

Who hurt you? What hurt you? And how will you move on? Will you be able to move on?

Rewrite a different book. Don't keep rereading your past.